For You To Notice

The Mirror

Last weekend I drove nearly 1800 miles with my dad across the country. Three days of looking at the diversity of God's beauty gives time for inner reflection about one's self and direction.

I look at myself in the mirror and I see a different person from three years ago, both good and bad...

The girl two years ago that had such high hopes about everything has changed. In some aspects, I do not like who she has become. It is so easy to fall, yet so hard to climb back up again. She has allowed Satan to push her into corners she never said she would be in. The beautiful girl who once stood there is struggling to keep her light.

The other night a wonderful bishop said something, which in that moment, was profound: Where there is light, there can be no darkness because light dispels all darkness. He then shared this beautiful painting with us of the Garden Tomb. It was from the inside looking out. I must of stared at it for a while. It was beautiful.

I saw something there that I haven't seen elsewhere. And I struggle because I know what I am supposed to be doing, but I think I am scared of who I really am, so I sabotage myself... Knowing that this is a huge ingratitude, I sit and I feel awful.

There are times when I feel so alone in my struggles that I just want someone to hold on to. That person in my life is beautiful beyond description. I know someday I will have to let go completely, but for now I cherish the moments we have together. He is that person in my life right now that I would give up everything temporal thing to be with for a day, hours, or even minutes.

Tonight I sit in front of this screen in the darkness with piano music playing in the background trying to put my feelings into words. Most often that is the only way I feel I can express myself. My screen shakes as a sign of phone interference and I will the little red light on my phone to blink for some sign that I am not alone, but it doesn't and I once again find myself alone.

While there may be a negative undertone, all of this really is positive. There are experiences I shouldn't go through, however as a consequence of my actions I am being taught different lessons. I need to learn to let the light of Christ come through to take away the darkness that seems to engulf me. At the same time, I have to let my selfishness go because I am to be an instrument in the Lord's work and I cannot do that wallowing in darkness and self-pitty. The Spirit can only abide in light and truth.

I have been asked to teach this week, and so it is ever more important for me to get over myself, "look and live." The lesson I have been asked to teach is interesting to me... "Woe unto You,... Hypocrites." I always get these kind of topics when I am struggling and I usually have to work twice as hard to find my lesson.

Remember, there is a time and a season appointed unto all that they may learn the lessons they are to be taught. So as the mirror reflects back and unpleasant image, it is through the Atonement of Jesus Christ that a new creature can become the beautiful child of God Heavenly Father knows we are.

There are times when I grab the nearest thing to me just to feel something close to me. In a narcissistic way, it is comforting. I look out the window and I think about all the people out there...

I dream of you... The brush of your hand; The sound of your voice; That look in your eyes. When you touch me it is like I am in a completely different place. Your words are so soothing and your kisses are like rain on my lips.

I dream of you... A stalwart man before God; A man who loves his family; Someone who is willing to work hard. We are happy because we work for what we have. Your dreams become my dreams and mine become yours. We become one and work toward the same common goal.

I dream of you... Do you see me?

Would you?

What would you do if you could only be with the person you loved for one day? Would you give everything up just to hold them? to touch them? to spend those precious moments with them?

If you knew you would have to let go of them within days, or even hours, of knowing them, would you still do it?

There are those times in your life when you realize things are going to change. Nothing can stay the same. Your best friends will get married (and you smile and say your happy for them because you are, but you are sad too). You will move. People change.

Change is a good thing. It keeps us on our toes, moving, seeking for better, and working on our most important project in life: YOU. "You" are your most important work. All of these outside elements will have some kind of influence on choices you make. But only you decide who "you" will become.

I am greatful for all the experiences I have had and the people who have come into my life. Inside I hope they will always be mine, but I know better. When your best friend comes to you with that glimmer in his eye and says "I really like her" and that smile is there on his face, you know things will change. And that's OK. It has to be. Because that is their next step of progression.

Everyone's steps come at different times. For now mine is toward trying to be a big girl and grow up, and theirs is toward eternal happiness with that person that puts that glimmer in their eye.

"So you want to know the truth?"

"You can defend yourself princess..."

I have had a negative few weeks... Thinking that I needed "that person" in my life. Thinking about more negative things than positive things. Doing lots of thinking. Too much thinking...

Tonight I think about all the things in my life and realized that I am my own person. I can save myself. I can provide for myself. I am woman (hear me roar! ;)...)

I am OK.