The Magnet

"I am a magenet for unavailable men"

Do you ever feel like you are a magenet for something you want really bad and it is not the right time? I believe a lot of the times we are presented with challenges, it is to make us stronger. If we can survive it, then one day we can look back and say 'wow!' and move on.

I think lately this whole experience with unavailable guys is showing me something. If I can't have 100 percent, I do not want it. That is right, if you can't give me 100 percent, then I don't want it. This includes employees, guys or any other person for that matter. Let than 100 percent can get you into trouble.

It is like me and my arm today. A few weeks ago I put a gouge into it on the corner of a box. Today, because I was not paying attention, I recieved a similar gouge about 1/2 inch away from the previous. If we cannot pay attention and give everything we have, we re-injure the same old wound.

My small group comm class was like that today. Two girls have some issue with one another and the beast reared its ugly head today when one girl B.Sed her way through a group paper. Unfortunatly, we got an E on one part and an A on the other. Not good... It will be an interesting seven weeks in that class. Unfortunatly I don't think the issue is quite resolved...

Take a deep breath... Breathe...

That's nice...

If you heard the joke about the two southern bells, you would understand what I mean. And maybe it isn't the nicest thing to say right now, but I don't care. Remember: Sometimes being understanding and forgiving and lead you into the bend-over position and be asking for a swift kick in the pants. It may not be our intention, but it happens.

I have tried to be nice and understanding with this guy and all it has done is set me up to be on the losing end. We were supposed to get together this evening and he totally stood me up. Yes he called and said he had to do something, but that was at 7 p.m. and it is now 11:30 p.m... Right.

He didn't even have the common decency to call and say he couldn't make it. Jerk!

I keep telling myself I deserve so much more and better. But I want to be a friend, I want to help out, blah, blah, blah... gag! I want to call him and tell him to stuff it. The only unfortunate reprecution I can see right now is I would have to see him each week at church.

"Lord, how many time shall I forgive another?"
"As many as seven times seventy," he responded.

why...

"Why me?" "Why does this always happen?"

I think so often we find ourselves asking this question. If not for us, maybe for someone else. We get down and esentially become miserable. Something eats and eats at us because we let it.

In a sense, as long as we are living on this earth we will always be pulled out of our comfort zone to some degree. It is not until we leave that circle that we learn and grow. If we become determined to stay inside as process called entrophy begins to take over. We become stagnant and decay sets in.

In this life I believe we either progress or digress. I would rather move forward, as hard as it is sometimes. When I get to feeling sorry for myself I think of DyC 121. The Lord tells Joseph that all the experiences he is having will be for his good. Then the Lord says something poingnant: "Thou are not yet like Job." Wow!

I figure that when my life gets to be like Job's life, then I will have reason to cry. Until then I need to ask the Lord what I need to learn and move forward. Life is hard, but it is much easier with the gospel in our lives.

Back track...

On Friday I went to the coolest rock climbing gym ever! It is in Provo and it is called The Quarry. This massive building has walls on two sides, some in the middle and bouldering on the second level. It was the coolest.

Then the weird part of the night came. N invited me to go (as friends) and the girl he is 'sort-of' dating showed up after we had been there about an hour. She is a very cute girl and (from the five min of conversation we had) has a cute personality to boot. The only thing that was a little nervy was how pouty she was.

I then realized that if those were the kinds of girls he was after, it is better that we are friends. I am not the needy kind. It is also a bummer that she cannot be more secure about their relationship. I have no clue what is going on, but maybe it can be more stable or not be at all.

That is what I would want anyway. No puppet games and no coming in second. It is either first or not at all.

Splendid!

I think it was the greatest crash I have ever experienced on snow. On Monday I went skiing with my grandfather to Snowbasin. It was my third time this year (his 34th, and counting) and my third run of the day we go down a black diamond and a run I never have skied before.

Everything was splended as I crused down the mountain imagining myself as a Giant Slolam (sp?) skier. Everything was good until I got about half way down and we stopped to wait for the rest of our group. Thinking I would be okay, I didn't stop before the knoll. Well, over that knoll was crud to the left and groomed to the right.

Of course, I go caught in the crud and proceeded to tumble down the mountain. As I went over the knoll I screamed and the first thought that came into my head was I hope I don't get seriously hurt. I don't ever remember crashing at that high of speed and it was a little freaky.

All I remember is going into a tuck and roll and then trying to stop myself from rolling too far. By the time I stopped I think I made it about 70 feet. I was sprawled out for a minute and then all I could do was laugh. I suffered a bloody nose and now, a sore back.

We skied until about 2 p.m. and then went home. I was dead...

While I was on my way up the lift to the faitful run, M called. He wanted to know if I wanted to go swimming with him. I told him I was half-way-up John Paul... Then I realized that probably was not the best compilation of words I could have used... We both started to laugh and then I had to explain and put the sentance into context.

We scheduled to go swimming Tuesday morning. I am happy because I think I now having a swimming buddy. YEAH! When we worked out, I totally kicked his butt! HA! It was wonderful. I love the water and sometimes I wonder why I wasn't borne a fish.

untitled

your smile lights the room
like a bright sunny morning
that laugh you have
it's contagious
your eyes a perfect window
to a pure soul
constant thoughts of you
make me jump inside
i try to make them go away
because you want it another way
i can't deny my heart
i can't deny my soul
there is no place
i would rather be
than with you by my side
my friend

The Anti-Valentine

I am not sure I have ever spent my Valentines Day at an Anti-Valentine party. But this year, I can say I have. I was going to the gym when the call came in, "Hey we are meeting at J's if you want to come."

"I am going to the gym," I replied.

"We are ordering pizza and watching movies. Come over it will be good for you." This coming from my friend who is in the Seventh Circle of Outer Darkness. The girl with whom he was talking marriage gave him the boot one week ago. Ouch...

"Hmm," I thought in my head. "Okay, where am I going?"

I was given the directions and off I was into the snowy night. It was in fact a good time. The requirement to get in was that you could not have a significant other. Lately, I seem to be doing well in that department.

We watched Chris Farley and Better Off Dead. I didn't really watch Farley because he is somewhat crude. But Better Off Dead is a classic. We had some good laughs and some great tickle fights.

After the movie we began to talk about our best and worst Valentines Days. I sat there thinking about it and I am not sure I really have either. I have usually spent Valentines chill at home.

Jast barely I am taken back to the fourth grade and this boy named Nate. A strapping young man with dark hair and brown eyes. We were 'going out' but never officially. While he ran in a slightly more popular group than I, we still managed to be friends. For Valentines one year he gave me this white teddy bear, chocolate and perfume. I can still smell the grandma essense of the perfume, but when you are in fourth grade it doesn't matter.

As of recent I got this note from the most awesome guy. He brightens my days and I am glad we got to know each other more. He is really special.

Maybe my worst Valentine Day was one year ago. I had been home from my mission a grand total of four days and there was a boy that had been in my life for the past several years. He holds a special place in my heart because it was with him that I first really felt the missionary essence.

He was older when he decided to go on a mission, but we talked about it a lot. Eventually he decided to go and I supported him 100 percent. We wrote during his mission and he got home about three weeks before I left on mine. The writing continued and then I came home.

Unfortunatly I expected that things could be somewhat the same between us. But in the back of my mind I knew it couldn't be. We had changed too much and I had new expectations for both myself and my future someone special. I think it was solidified in my mind when he didn't even acknowledge that we once had something He isn't very big into holidays, but I am not sure I even remember him saying 'Happy Valentines Day.' I am a simple girl and that would have done perfectly.

I think that day when I realized he wasn't for me was a pretty bad V-Day. Not the worst, but bad.

My mess

I think my mom wants to kill me. I should have called her before I came home.

In my Design:3D class we are working with plaster. Unfortunatly I did not have time to work on it at school, so I had to pick some plaster up and bring it home. Now, this all would not have been so bad if she hadn't just cleaned the house. Hmm...

Evil me, I was not stopped by the sparkly kitchen. The sparkles only enticed me more to become a mad scientist and splash plaster all over. Evil, evil, I know. But it was so much fun!

I don't think my organic molds are going to come out. For some reason I am not too confident about plaster on plaster, even with cooking spray all over the mold. I should be a little more optamistic about it, but I already got impatient and pulled one apart... It wasn't looking too promising.

I shot pictures because I find the disasterous laboratory intriguing. Lately I have thought I need to build a shed on the side of the house. This would aford me work space to have a photo lab and 3D work space. I am really having fun with this whole new dimension. Most of my college career I have viewed things two dimensionally and this other dimension is a whole new rhelm. EXCITING!

Pictures to come later. ;)

Commitment

A concious decision to choose to develop one's communication competence, and invest time, energy, thought and feeling to improve relationships with others.

Is it okay?

Is it okay to try and want what someone else wants? Someone says they want one thing, but it is not necessarily what you want. However, because you respect this person and want them to be happy too, you say okay.

F. Scott Fitzgerald said, "The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function." While people may not change their mind, it can increase our tolerance and respect for the other person's perspective and improve the communication climate.

I think this is what makes relationships work. It is not 'I am right and you are wrong' or 'Your right and I am wrong.' In my opinion there has to be some truth in all perspectives. If we could learn to accept this and talk about the issues, many relationships would survive the communication breakdown. In deciding there is some smidgen of truth in all perspectives our relational bonds could become stronger.

Sometimes for the greater good of the whole, it is better to give up what you want right now for something that may be better in the future. When in Rome, it may not always be good to do as the Romans do.

Last night I was Mozart

I love my grandfather's Baby Grand Piano. Last night I sat down and flipped through a book of Broadway songs I have not played since about one year before my mission. It was fun to sit down and hammer out songs.

For a moment I imagined myself in a grand hall on stage. I held the audience captive as my fingers ran up and down the piano keys like a spider. My nerves were nowhere to be found (as they usually cause my hands to tremble in front of audiences). The music was enticing as I lost myself in notes that shaped my childhood and my love of music. I could have sat at the piano and played for hours; sometimes I do when my family isn't home.

Music is such a powerful tool. Sometimes I get so lost in it, I forget about other things around me. I will be driving down the road belting out a tune and I don't come back to reality until I happen to notice someone looking at me stangely. But that is okay. That is who I am.

Lost thoughts and observations

This is what you get when you don't write things down when you think about them. There are so many things I have thought about in the last week. Changes in life cause one to look back and reflect on things.

I have a Comm test tomorrow and the majority of it is about perceptions and how it affects our ability to form groups or make new aquaintances. People have even gone so far as to create models and outline the very steps we walk while deciding if we want to know someone or not.

Step One: Observation
Step Two: The Perception Process
a) Selection: Based upon certain stimuli in the observation process, we choose what we notice or pay attention to. Our motives in this process also determine what information we select.
b) Organization: We organize the selected information using a number of perceptual schema (experience to explain the perception), such as appearance, social roles, psychological traits and group membership. This is where stereotyping often comes in.
c) Interpretation: The perceptual schema we use to shape the way we think about and communicate with others. Several factors can affect this, such as:
- Degree of involvement with another person
- Past experience
- Assumptions about human behaviour
- Attitudes
- Expectations
- Knowledge
Step Three: Adopting Attitudes and Behaviors - We do this according to the conclusions we have drawn. Sometimes our interpretation and subsequent reaction may be correct, but often they may be mistaken.

I have caught myself more and more falling into this trap. This new knowledge has made me more aware about how I choose to do things. Is it possible that we are so mechanical in our thinking? What an incredible machine we are!

Freedom

Is being in a relationship worth it all? I am beginning to think not. Today I was talking to someone and talking about how I can basically do what I want. Now, if I had a relationship would that be so? Maybe to a certain degree, but not so much.

I have the freedom to leave this state and search for a job elsewhere when I graduate; freedom to go on vacations; stay in another country for an extended period of time. There are lots of things I could do and it is so wonderful.

Right now I have the freedom to be a work-a-holic and not have to worry about anyone. With my added responsibilities I have spent extended periods of time on campus. The only time I have been off campus today is to go do something for WSU.

I love this university and I think that is the only reason I am willing to do what I do. This is a great mistake that has happened in my life. I thought the Lord had one thing planned for me, when in actuality he had something completely different in mind.

Patience my dear child, patience.

Driving and Thinking

I was driving down the road the other day putting my make-up on and a thought came to my head, "Why do we as women worry about make-up so much?" Naturally, it has been the male who was the bright and showy one. Think about Robins. The male has the red chest and the female is a gray color. The male pecock is the one with all of the fun colored feathers.

What is wrong with the female in our society today? Why have we become so wrapped up in being "pretty" when 'naturally' it should be the male putting on the make-up and strutting around?