Peter

A few weeks ago I stood and gave a lesson in Gospel Doctrine entitled "To This End I Was Born". The lesson itself focused on the last day of the life of Christ. It also talked about Peter, his zealous testimony, the prophesy of his denial, and what he went through when the prophesy was realized.

While I was preparing the lesson that morning I was called, I felt a particular pull to the story of Peter. I am not sure why, but today I believe I understand. We talked about many things in the class, but most of all we talked about dedication, testimony, and staying firm in the gospel.

In Matthew 26:31-35 we read:
Then saith Jesus unto them, All ye shall be ^aoffended because of me this night: for it is written, I will ^bsmite the ^cshepherd, and the sheep of the flock shall be scattered abroad.

But after I am ^arisen again, I will go before you into Galilee.

Peter answered and said unto him, Though all men shall be offended because of thee, yet will I never be ^aoffended.

Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, That this night, before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice.

Peter said unto him, Though I should die with thee, yet will I not deny thee. Likewise also said all the disciples.

I love the zeal of Peter's testimony! He states he is willing to die with the Savior. All this while, he was walked with Christ, preached of Christ, and witnessed the miracles of Christ. How could he deny the Master? In that moment his love for the Savior would out-power all, even the denial or being offended to know Christ.

And Peter did stand strong. In John 18:10 we read:

Then Simon Peter having a sword drew it, and smote the high priest’s servant, and ^acut off his right ear. The servant’s name was ^bMalchus.

In that moment ...

Jesus chides Peter, heals the servant, then allows himself to be taken. I often think about the powerful lesson He teaches here. Standing strong in our testimony of Christ, or defending him, is not about violence. It's about love. It's about healing the wounded soul. It's about giving Living Water to the thirsty traveler.

In this teaching moment, Jesus said, "Thinkest thou I cannot now pray to my Father, and he shall presently give me more than twelve legions of angels?" The Bible Dictionary tells us that a legion in the Roman army consists of about 6,000 men and a contingent of cavalry. That would be an impressive sight, 72,000 angels and an impressive contingent to save Him. 

Where were you? Would you have been on the front lines? What if these men who were abusing Jesus in the last hours of His life had seen your face through the veil? Would they see your testimony burning bright?

But again, this is the love of God being manifest. In the beginning Christ said, "Here am I, send me" (Abr. 3:27), and he is still the volunteer today. He drank of the bitter cup for you and I, for the co-worker you can't stand, for the criminal in jail, for the mother who just lost her child, for the teenager who is struggling with life itself. He loved us enough, in fact more than we will ever comprehend perhaps.

Do we love Him? How will we show our love for our Brother who made the sacrifice that you and I might live again in the presence of God?

When Christ was taken, most of his disciples "forsook him, and fled." But not Peter and John. They followed him. We read further in Matthew 26:69-75:

Now Peter sat without in the palace: and a ^adamsel came unto him, saying, Thou also wast with Jesus of Galilee.

But he denied before them all, saying, I know not what thou sayest.

And when he was gone out into the porch, another maid saw him, and said unto them that were there, This fellow was also with Jesus of Nazareth.

And again he denied with an oath, I do not know the man.

And after a while came unto him they that stood by, and said to Peter, Surely thou also art one of them; for thy speech ^abewrayeth thee.

Then began he to curse and to swear, saying, I know not the man. And immediately the ^acock crew.

And Peter remembered the word of Jesus, which said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt ^adeny me thrice. And he went out, and wept bitterly.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said:

“My heart goes out to Peter. So many of us are so much like him. We pledge our loyalty; we affirm our determination to be of good courage; we declare, sometimes even publicly, that come what may we will do the right thing, that we will stand for the right cause, that we will be true to ourselves and to others.

“Then the pressures begin to build. Sometimes these are social pressures. Sometimes they are personal appetites. Sometimes they are false ambitions. There is a weakening of the will. There is a softening of discipline. There is capitulation. And then there is remorse, followed by self-accusation and bitter tears of regret. …

“… If there be those throughout the Church who by word or act have denied the faith, I pray that you may draw comfort and resolution from the example of Peter, who, though he had walked daily with Jesus, in an hour of extremity momentarily denied the Lord and also the testimony which he carried in his own heart. But he rose above this and became a mighty defender and a powerful advocate. So, too, there is a way for any person to turn about and add his or her strength and faith to the strength and faith of others in building the kingdom of God” (“And Peter Went Out and Wept Bitterly,” Ensign, Mar. 1995, 2–4, 6).

Perhaps we, like Peter, are powerful, determined, and devoted. However, we also have a tendency to overestimate our ability to resist temptations. Through our many experiences in life, we vow we will never commit that sin again, we will never fall away from the Church, with tears in our eyes we declare our testimony, like Peter, that we will always stand firm.

This lesson is finely illustrated in Alma 39. Alma speaks to his rebellious and immoral missionary son. He chides him for not hearkening to the counsel like his brothers had done. He states, "Now this is what I have against thee; thou didst go unto boasting in thy strength and wisdom" (Alma 39:4, emphasis added).

We like Alma's son may say: Just this once won't hurt, I am strong enough, It's never happened before, and many other like statements. But Brother Ted L. Gibbons reminds us, "We are not nearly as strong and smart as we thing we are, and we are waging war against a being of frightening intellect who has been perfecting his craft for 6,000 years. We are not sufficiently bright and tough to take him on. Our safety is not in our own power and wisdom, but in our obedience. 

So, we messed up. Now what? Do we give up and walk away? Or do we remember the words of President Hinckley who said Peter "rose above this and became a mighty defender and a powerful advocate. So, too, there is a way for any person to turn about and add his or her strength and faith to the strength and faith of others in building the kingdom of God."

Brad Wilcox, a former Mission President in the Santiago East Mission, writes in his book The Continuous Atonement, "Repenting and remaking broken covenants allows us to feel a deep sense of gratitude to the Lord. In those moments of struggle, our needs are accentuated. When we experience our own Gethsemanes, we truly begin to value Christ's. When we recognize our own weakness, we stand in awe of his strength."

He then goes on to tell a story, A Lesson in Marble. A missionary called him, his words filled with emotion, and said he needed to speak with him. This young man was a leader, a happy missionary who loved to share the gospel. An appointment was set.

When he arrived, he said, "I made a big mistake."

Right then President Wilcox's mind he started to go through all the possible scenario's. He imagined every possible thing that could affect this Elder's upcoming honorable release.

"I read The Miracle of Forgiveness," he said.

President Wilcox laughed. "Reading the words of President Kimball is far from being a mistake."

"But I now realize that there are things I did when I was younger that I should have confessed and never did. There were times when things went a little farther than what I actually told my bishop."

President Wilcox listened. Nothing was so grievous that it would have affected his worthiness to serve a mission or enter the temple. But those past sins were affecting him and his feelings of worthiness. They needed to be confessed. 

He said, "When I was younger I guess I just thought that these sins weren't all that big a deal, but the closer I get to the Lord, the worse I feel about them."

President Wilcox explained that what he was feeling was a very normal and natural step in his spiritual maturity - one through which we all pass. His repentance and full confession were healthy indicators that he was indeed drawing closer to God and the Savior.

"But President, I look back and see so many flaws. I remember all I have done and feel so ashamed and hypocritical. I know Jesus takes the sins away, but it is the memory of them that bothers me."

President Wilcox then remembered something he had heard years earlier and retrieved a small marble egg from the shelf. He said, "Look at the marble. Isn't it beautiful?"

The elder nodded in agreement.

"What makes it beautiful is not that it is free from imperfections. If it were clear and white, with no flaws, it would look plastic and artificial. The marble is beautiful and useful because of the dark veins, not in spite of them. When we repent, our sins are gone, but the memories linger, just like these dark lines. However, as we keep our covenants and experience the sanctifying influence of the Spirit, it is as if those dark lines are polished over time. They actually become part of our beauty."

Nephi was not beautiful and useful to God just because he would "go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded" (Nephi 3:7), but because he could remember being a "wretched man" easily beset with "temptations and ... sins" (2 Nephi 4:17-18). Alma was not beautiful and useful to Christ just because of his diligence in preaching repentance unto others (see Alma 4:19-20; 8:15-16; 13:21, 27), but because he could remember needing repentance himself (see Mosiah 27:2-19; Alma 36:11-17).

Through the Atonement our flaws will become part of our beauty. But we have to be willing to hand over our sins, our wills, our lives, everything we have, to Him. Because indeed, those are the only things we have that are not His.

We have a choice. The road to discipleship is not an easy or comfortable road as Elder Neal A. Maxwell reminds us. To stay on the path we must be obedient and nourish our seeds of faith and testimony. We will not become a powerful Peter overnight, but through our diligence and obedience, giving head to the commandments of God we will become powerful like Peter "in the strength of the Lord." 

Whatever it is today that is hindering you, let it go. Pray for understanding. Seek for truth in the scriptures. Attend your meetings with diligence and a determination to learn something. Seek the counsel of your leaders. They have been called and set apart to bless your life and will help to keep you from the treacherous paths.

May you remember how much you are loved.

10 Things I Know To Be True

Sarah Kay started her TED speech with this spoken word poem that touched me and led me to write this post:

If I should have a daughter, instead of Mom, she's gonna call me Point B, because that way she knows that no matter what happens, at least she can always find her way to me. And I'm going to paint solar systems on the backs of her hands, so she has to learn the entire universe before she can say, "Oh, I know that like the back of my hand." And she's going to learn that this life will hit you hard in the face, wait for you to get back up just so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. There is hurt here that cannot be fixed by Band-Aids or poetry. So the first time she realizes that Wonder Woman isn't coming, I'll make sure she knows she doesn't have to wear the cape all by herself. Because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me, I've tried. "And, baby," I'll tell her, don't keep your nose up in the air like that. I know that trick; I've done it a million times. You're just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house, so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else find the boy who lit the fire in the first place, to see if you can change him." But I know she will anyway, so instead I'll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boots nearby, because there is no heartbreak that chocolate can't fix. Okay, there's a few heartbreaks that chocolate can't fix. But that's what the rain boots are for. Because rain will wash away everything, if you let it. I want her to look at the world through the underside of a glass-bottom boat, to look through a microscope at the galaxies that exist on the pinpoint of a human mind, because that's the way my mom taught me. That there'll be days like this. There'll be days like this, my momma said. When you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises; when you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you want to save are the ones standing on your cape; when your boots will fill with rain, and you'll be up to your knees in disappointment. And those are the very days you have all the more reason to say thank you. Because there's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it's swept away. You will put the wind in winsome, lose some. You will put the star in starting over, and over. And no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute, be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life. And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting, I am pretty damn naive. But I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily, but don't be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it. "Baby," I'll tell her, "remember, your momma is a worrier, and your poppa is a warrior, and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more." Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things. And always apologize when you've done something wrong. But don't you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining. Your voice is small, but don't ever stop singing. And when they finally hand you heartache, when they slip war and hatred under your door and offer you handouts on street-corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.


I listened to Sarah Kay for the first time yesterday. She shares profound thoughts in this address at TED as well as some of her spoken word poetry. It touched my writer's soul and looking back, I haven't written much.

In this address she talks about a method she uses to get her student's creative juices flowing. I thought about it and this is where my next posts will come from. The writing prompt is: 10 Things I Know To Be True.

I invite you to take the same journey. Write about something you know to be true. In reading the biography of Pres. Thomas S. Monson I am coming to realize the importance of the written word. What powerful memories he has. Kay shares that writing poetry is how she figures things out and I feel a kinship with her because I write to figure things out as well.

So, here is my list (not in any particular order):
- I love softball
- Teaching wields a special power for change and I love to learn
- Because you love deep, you hurt deep too.
- The gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored in its fulness today, and is lead by prophets
- Photography is the power to capture
- I am afraid of heights
- God loves me and I am His daughter
- I am fascinated by God's paintbrush called Nature
- Everyone can communicate in some way, and everyone has stories we can learn from
- I am grateful for my family and friends


This world is made of sugar. It can crumble so easily, but don't be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it.

Butterflies

I remember as a little girl in elementary school there were a few times of the year we looked forward to in being able to go outside. One was during the Monarch butterfly migration. There would be hundreds, if not thousands, everywhere. We would chase them, capture them, and sometimes accidentally maim them in our excitement.

What fascinating creatures. Born a seemingly ordinary caterpillar, destined to become a beautiful flying creature. Touch their wings and the magic that was a butterfly was gone.

I have always been in love with butterflies. They are not only a beautiful metaphor for life, but unique and varying all in their own ways. They feed, they pollinate, they beautify. An interesting creature in its own right.

Tonight I think about them in regards to their journeys. Often they are long, hard, and many don't survive. Sometimes, I believe those we love are the same.

My grandmother once shared with me this simple statement when I was struggling with a broken heart, "Sometimes people are like butterflies and need to go out on a journey. If they come back to you, it means they are meant to be yours. If they don't, you need to move on."

In our lives there are very few that come back. For whatever reason, they were ours for a moment in time and then they are gone. We can't explain it; we often don't understand; and maybe it's better that way.

Throughout my life, there have been many different kinds of butterflies that have come and gone. Looking back, I am glad many of them have gone on to their new adventures because as much as I justified wanting them to be with me, it was better they weren't.

 

Butterflies are an interesting group. They start their lives as a caterpillar. Oftentimes those caterpillars are attractive, but they pose a danger: they are poisonous. Before they get a chance to become what they really are, they defend themselves by poisoning those who just want to love and admire them. All this does is leave a bad taste in the mouths of those who just want to admire and be with them.

Many other butterflies have a defense mechanism where they are able to blend in with the foliage they feed on and fertilize. They go relatively unnoticed and they like it that way. But for many they will miss out on the beautiful opportunity to become acquainted with the creature.

Now, the purpose of this post was not to talk about all the metaphors I could put together about people and butterflies. It was to talk about that feeling you get when that special person comes in to your life and you feel that rush of excitement and you're trying to capture such a fascinating moment / feeling. There are few times I have really felt it. In fact, I am pretty sure I can count it on one hand (I can probably name the people).

That same fascination I felt with capturing butterflies, I feel in capturing the moment between two people that moves you inside. It is not an every day feeling. Someone once said, "Love isn't about the 'I love you's' or 'I miss you's'. Love is about the butterflies you get when you think of him. It’s the chills that run up and down your spine whenever you see him and its the pain that hits every inch of your body when he walks away ..."

I have honestly been chewing on and writing this post for months. Longer than months really. Recently my experience with this has been an interesting transformation. A friend once wrote me a note and said I was the butterfly waiting to come out of the cocoon. In fact, I still have the purple butterfly she gave me in my rough, sculptured hands. 

In my life I have never wanted to be the stinging caterpillar, or the butterfly who blends in to go unnoticed. I have wanted to be the beautiful creature God intended me to be. But there are some set-backs and some tough journeys. Often when we are in a caterpillar state, we look at what is going on around us and only see the end of the world. When the fact-of-the-matter is, the Master is in the process of creating a butterfly. 

The journey is long and tough; the butterflies will not always be there; there will be moments when we need to help and lift each other to new heights; and the end result will not always be what we want it to be. But those who do survive, beautify this world by adding to it. The love between two people is something unique, but it takes hard work.

Listening to Elder and Sister Holland today, he was talking about how after 48 years he is still madly in love with her. I know that feeling does not come over night. They have had there fair share of trials they have strengthened their wings. But what a gift to be more in love 48 years later. 

It's the kind of love that comes from support, a shared vision, and overcoming obstacles. We must not crush the delicate creature in our excitement. Sometimes that is what brings the untimely demise: smothering, lack of knowledge, etc. 

Then I think of the power of a butterfly. They say it can affect climate change on the other side of the world. Our love. Finding that person who we share that feeling with. We too can affect change in the world. Elder Bruce R. McConkie said celestial marriage is the crowning jewel of the Gospel. These covenants give us the power to bring souls to the earth, to solidify and strengthen families, and fight the battle against Satan. 

In all, we must be delicate. We must give the butterflies in our life the space they need to figure out the world around them. Like my grandmother said, "If they come back, it's because they are yours." Because if we chase, grab at, and harm the butterfly, it will not only stay away, but it could very well die. 

But just like the butterfly, I will awake in my own time to a new perspective and perhaps understanding the trials and difficulty of transformation weren't so bad at all.