I have a dream

... No it's not a Dr. King dream... Well, maybe it is in my own little way. This building was built in 1903 as a school house and I have been in love with it since I saw it. I temporarily gave up the dream and bought my townhouse. But something about this place keeps coming back to me and I keep feeling prompted about it's potential.

The beauty about this building is that it has a half-and-half zoning. So, I could live upstairs and have my business downstairs. It also sits on a pretty good chunk of land where I could landscape for outdoor photographs and have a garden (yay!). It also has this fun little room on the back that would make a perfect dark room, with a porch for alternative processes.

I have this new thought about some alternative processes (well, for me it's new). It's so exciting to think about art and all its possibilities for breaking all kinds of rules. I never was a very good follower person... So, I need to figure out how I can start experimenting without making a permanent mess in this house. It all starts with buying new glass :/

The next fun thought I had was to start an arts program. The building is a hop, skip, and a jump from Quest Academy, and there isn't anything else out where I am. I have many fun thoughts from after school programs, to community art programs.

There is so much potential and now the challenge is to get to it before anyone else does, because chances are they would just tear it down which is what most people say I should do... But I love the building, even though it needs a little bit of love :/ If you would like to see more photos of its current state, check out my Facebook.

A sad heart...

There are words I wish I had to explain what is going on in my heart. Words I wish I had to explain what is going on in my mind. Perhaps I don't always say the right thing, or say it in the best way. But I am an imperfect being who is looking to be loved for my faults and my good things. I am an imperfect being who is looking to grow old and toward perfection with someone. My heart is sad tonight, but I look forward to the day when it will be happy again...

I'm pissed...

Do you ever feel like he's just not that into you?

"Many women have said to me, "Greg, men run the world." Wow. That makes us sound pretty capable. So tell me, why would you think we could be incapable of something as simple as picking up the phone and asking you out? You seem to think at times that we're "too shy" or we "just got out of something." Let me remind you: Men find it very satisfying to get what they want. (Particularly after a difficult day of running the world.) If we want you, we will find you. If you don't think you gave him enough time to notice you, take the time it took you to notice him and divide it by half...

"Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one. We know there was a sexual revolution. (We loved it.) We know women are capable of running governments, heading multinational corporations, and raising loving children — sometimes all at the same time. That, however, doesn't make men different.

"IT'S SO SIMPLE

"Imagine right now that I'm leaping up and down and shaking my fist at the sky. I'm on my knees pleading with you. I'm saying this in a loud voice: "Please, if you can trust one thing I say in this book, let it be this: When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you'd like us to be." I know it's an infuriating concept — that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he's just not that into you. (And we want you to believe you're one of the nine, ladies!) I can't say it loud enough: You, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out...

"People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love. Big movies are made about it, and every relationship you admire bursts with a greatness that you hope for in your own life. And the more you value yourself, the more chance you'll have of getting it... You're worth it... Don't waste the pretty!"

Can my day get any worse???

So, my day was totally chill until I got out of Parowan at 1:30 p.m. and realized I was supposed to be in Ogden at 2 p.m... I busted a move as fast as I could and made it home safely until I was on my way to the shoot (late) when I had a lovely service van promptly stop in front of me and no matter of space would have saved Gabby from uncertain doom... To miss the van I turned thinking I was out of trouble. That was until I hit another patch of ice which turned me down a small incline and into a rock embankment.

Thankfully I have wonderful friends in my life who came to my rescue, not to mention a handful of good Samaritans who stopped to offer their help. After pulling my car out of the embankment, I realized my front wheel is not in the right place (broken CV) and half of my bumper is gone and the plastic that keeps my engine compartment safe from the road is ripped off.

It was a sad sight and all I wanted to do was break down right there in the snow and cry. Why did this happen? Why now? All I needed was a hug from that certain someone in my life, but he was no where to be found...

So, on a night I needed just to be with someone I spent it grocery shopping with my mom. The more I thought about it the worse it became... I don't know why it bugs me so much, but seriously... Not a text, not a phone call, nothing...

To top off the night, I got a text telling me that I had an unpaid parking ticket (which I never did get...). Could things seriously get any worse??? I'm just looking for the happy ending.

Cowboys ride into sunsets
The good guy always gets the girl
Cinderella's just fit
The glass slipper that changed her world
We all know the stories
We all know the fairy tales
We all get the glory
Of making it for ourselves

Chorus:
From the beginning
We're all looking for a happy ending
Every dream of winning
Every love we've been in
Right from the beginning
We're looking for a happy ending

We come here with nothing
And take it with us the day we leave
The first and last breath don't matter
It's all the ones that are in between
It's the reason for living
It's the reason the caged bird sings
It's why we sit in the movies
All the way to the closing scene

From the beginning
We're all looking for a happy ending
Every dream of winning
Every love we've been in
Right from the beginning
We're looking for a happy ending

And for all the dreamers who have come and gone
Who have reached for the stars who have overcome
You're the hope, you're the wish, you're the truth
Baby here's the proof
Baby's born in the ghetto
Baby's born with a silver spoon
One tells his mama, "I'll have a dream."
One tells his mama, "I'll walk the moon."

From the beginning
We're all looking for a happy ending
Every dream of winning
Every love we've been in
Right from the beginning
We're looking for a happy ending

Thoughts on Christmas morning

It’s Christmas morning and I‘m awake at 6 a.m. I sit here thinking about the events that have been happening in the last few weeks of my life. Some of them are happy and some of them are sad.

About a week ago I had a former co-worker commit suicide. He was one of the happiest people I knew and always had such a positive outlook on life. There was really no rhyme or reason.

When I got a phone call telling me, I broke down and cried. I couldn’t understand… I cried like I haven’t cried in a long time. My heart was broken. I am grateful to a friend of mine who followed the spirit and just came over. It was a hug that I needed and I just sobbed until I fell asleep.

I’m not exactly sure why it tore me up. But in talking to my mom she quoted a line from a the hymn “Lord, I Would Follow Thee.” Sometimes there is “Sorrow that the eyes can’t see.” We don’t understand and we won’t understand in this life. All we know it that there was something that was bigger than they were and their pain was greater than their ability to cope.

On the flip side of that sadness, there have been some happy events. I finished my first semester of graduate school with a 4.0. I have learned a lot from my classes, much of wish I had known previously in my life. But I have to keep reminding myself that there is a time and a season for everything.

I am looking forward to the upcoming semesters and all that I have to learn and to share. It’s a funny thing, because I’m not exactly sure what I am going to do with it. There are some things that are pulling me different ways, but I guess we’ll see what the Lord has in store for me down the road.

One of the more recent developments in my life has pulled a lot of attention. It makes me laugh really. But I have been dating someone and he is amazing. I don’t know how to put it in to words really.

From the first time we met, it was like an instant connection. It’s not really something I can put words to. On our first date we sat and talked at the restaurant until 11 p.m. I have to admit that the way he would look at me made me really uncomfortable at first, mostly because I wasn’t used to it.

I thought maybe it was something to do with a first date, because I have had some “good” first dates that go now where. But he asked me out again, and again, and again. Sometimes I ask myself if this is all real. It’s exciting and scary all at the same time.

This whole two-sided relationship thing is fairly new to me. I’m having to learn to trust, to open my heart, and to share all over again. He is a patient man and will just sit and listen to me sometimes, and I’ll do the same for him. I just have to watch myself so I don’t do what I have conveniently done in the past: sabotage.

I have watched my mom go through four marriages. She has finally found herself a good one on the fourth go-around. I know that I only get one shot at what I really want, and I don’t want to make the wrong decision… I think I already have an answer, but I also have a lot of noise going on around me, which makes it hard. I’m just trying to make sense of everything and enjoy the time I have to learn.

In my scripture study I have been looking up scriptures about love. The Topical Guide has almost two pages of scripture references to the word love. I am not exactly sure what I was looking for, but one of the resounding themes I have found is that as we love God with everything we have, we will be able to open our hearts and love others with that same love.

This love will allow us to see people around us as God sees his children, which will make it easier to love those who hate us. At this time there is someone who I don’t particularly have much Christlike love for and it’s easy to get upset and be mad at how she treats the people I love. Sitting here, I realize that I am the only one with power over how I feel. She goes on in life and doesn’t realize how frustrated she makes the rest of us…

In Deuteronomy 30 we learn that scattered Israel will be gathered in as they remember their covenant with God. We are taught that as we love, we will live, “The Lord they God will circumcise thine heart, and the heart of thy seed, to love the Lord thy god with all thine heart, and with all thine soul, that thou mayest live… thou shalt return and obey the voice of the Lord, and do all his commandments… the Lord thy God will make thee plenteous in every work of thine hand, in the fruit of thy body… That thou mayest love the Lord thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him: for he is thy life and the length of thy days…”

I love my Heavenly Father. I love my older brother Jesus Christ. I love the Gospel. They have opened my eyes to “see” and they have helped to not only open, but to heal my wounded heart. Now, I want to make sure I don’t mis-step in loving someone else for the wrong reason.

Like my mother, I want to help everyone. I want to make things better for them. But I know if you build a relationship on that it will only end in unhappiness… I have seen it, and I have experienced it. My family and certain people around me know how I am and have all let me know it. Which only adds to the noise in my head…

All I know is how I feel and that he is still there even after I open parts of myself to him. Mary, mother of Jesus, taught me an important lesson. When she learned she was with child, she pondered the things in her heart. For now, perhaps I need to stop talking and thinking so much and just ponder. It is in the quiet moments that my Heavenly Father is able to tutor me and give me the peace I need in my life.

So, as I prepare to celebrate with my family on a white Christmas day in St. George, I will take more time to listen and to ponder. I will take time to enjoy my family and the spirit I feel in my life, and how happy he makes me daily.

Unbelievable

The music is all around us

There is so much going on in life. How often to we take time to just sit and take it all in? How often do we just sit, enjoy the company we're with, and take in the sounds around us?

Oftentimes our lives get so busy that we lose the music that is all around us. I have been grateful in the last little while to get some things off my plate and focus on the things that are really important in my life. Heavenly Father has really blessed me with an overabundance of love and peace. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and ask myself what I did to deserve everything He has given me.

Daughter of a King

Do you Wonder if He Knows who you are?
Do you Wonder if He Knows
the Secret pleadings of your heart?
He has numbered every sand of the sea
and He longs for you to know that he believes in you

Can you feel a quiet power from above?
Can you feel his strength surround you
When your own is not enough?
He has blessed you whith His spirit
from on high
And He longs for you to know it lives inside
Of you
Oh be true

Daughter of a King
the Fathers Royalty
Heir to His Divinity
He's Calling your name
to came and take your Place
Before His Throne
He has always Known
What He created you to be
A Daughter of a King

I was working out this morning when this song came on my iPod. It was amazing! I thought about the words in the song and how valuable each of us are in His sight. Then I looked around at all the women in the gym and the magazines on the counter tops. It is so sad that many don't understand they are of noble birthright.

Satan tricks us and tells us that we need to become something that isn't obtainable. So many of the photos today aren't even reality. They have been manipulated to the point that what is seen in the magazine isn't even what the model looks like.

While I know that that is not obtainable for me, I know that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me and I love him. I know that I can obtain glory beyond measure one day if I live righteously and do all that He asks of me to do. I know that one day I will be a queen.

Thoughts at 1:30 a.m.

So much has been going through my head in the last week. Life always seems to hit me from all sides at once, not a little at a time. I need a day at the spa. That's good stuff right there :D

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. My second class is coming to a close and I am not sure that I am understanding what I am supposed to, but then again because of my lack of interest I have not put much time in to it. At the same time I have had many distractions come during this class and I have poorly managed my time in order to dedicate time to my studies. I feel like somewhat of a failure...

Three wonderful people have come in to my life in the last several months. Two of them had so many qualities that were awesome, but there was just something missing. The third one, however, has me feeling somewhat different. It has been so long since someone has genuinely looked at me, and really wanted to get to know me for who I am.

When I catch him looking at me I feel somewhat uncomfortable because I'm not used to us. But at the same time I feel so comfortable around him and feel that I can be who I really am (which is how it should be, shouldn't it?). We talk for hours without realizing how fast the time passes and it's like we can talk about anything and everything. I can have a conversation with him about almost anything, and he always has something to add to it.

At the same time, I have not been the most open person and he let me know it tonight when he left my house... "I would like to get to know more about you..." Bah! I don't do the best when it comes to talking about me, but I can listen forever to someone else while they spill their guts to me. Is that selfish to listen, but not to talk? I mean, I do talk, I just don't really open up about myself as much as they do about themselves...

8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are ^adesirous to come into the ^bfold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

9 Yea, and are ^awilling to mourn with those that ^bmourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as ^cwitnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the ^dfirst resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

10 Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being ^abaptized in the ^bname of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a ^ccovenant with him, that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?

This scripture came to have a new meaning to me as I listened to the Sacramental Prayer this last week:

"O God, the Eternal Father, we ask thee in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and ^asanctify this ^bbread to the souls of all those who partake of it; that they may eat in ^cremembrance of the body of thy Son, and witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they are willing to take upon them the ^dname of thy Son, and always remember him, and keep his commandments which he hath given them, that they may always have his ^eSpirit to be with them. Amen."

What amazing promises we make, and also what amazing blessings come because we choose to be obedient! However, obedience does not involve selfishness. I think I am going to read through "A Heart Like His" again and study it a little more diligently this time. I am in need of some more heart opening and would love to be worthy of the spirit I felt not only on Sunday, but what I have felt this week, 24/7. How amazing that would be, but sometimes the flesh is weak. However, I know that the Lord will strengthen me and help me become equal to whatever task may be presented to me.

Hello my friend

Hello my friend,
Can you teach me how to breathe again?
I'm picking up the pieces
Because I just can't walk away.

Hello my friend,
Can you help me to my feet?
I'm wiping the tears from my eyes
Because I just don't want to remember.

Hello my friend,
Can you hold me by the hand?
I'm learning to stand tall
Because I just can't do it alone.

Hello my friend,
Will you walk by my side?
I'm learning to put one foot in front of the other
Because I don't have eyes to see.

Hello my friend,
Can you teach me how to breathe again?
I'm picking up the pieces
Because I just can't walk away.

"Love endureth by diligence"

I am not sure how I was lead to this scripture, but I was and those four words stuck into my head. Mormon is writing to his son Moroni speaking about the Christlike attributes that will lead us back to the presence of our Heavenly Father.

Love is not something that can be gained and kept without work. We must continually work to love those around us. We must continually work on our relationships. Love will only endure through our diligence and obedience. It will bring meekness and lowliness of heart, thereby bringing the Spirit into our lives. The Spirit is so important in order to give us the power and revelation we so succinctly need in our lives.

True love endures!

Cowgirls Don't Cry

I love this song. There are a lot of times we climb high in the saddle and we fall off who knows how many times. But we need to get back on and ride, no matter how much it hurts. The lessons will lead us to understand why we must go through the things we did to get where we got. From falling off, to losing the thing that has become so dear to our heart, we must remember, "Cowgirl don't cry. Ride baby ride. The lessons in life show us all in time, till soon God let's you know why."

Girls are like diamonds

I had one of the most interesting conversations tonight. It started off with, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want you to get mad at me..." Oh, boy! That question/statement usually doesn't follow with what I want in that moment. In fact, it's usually the downhill turn to whatever climax I have been having in life.

So, being brave I told him to ask. I was right about the back end, I didn't like it. But as much as I didn't like it, I did. There was so much sincerity and truth in the things that were said and I knew it must be so. Then came the part that impressed me the most and put up probably a hundred-gajillion bonus points for this person on my board.

"Girls are like diamonds. They are so precious and deserve the highest amount of respect." I think I had to stabilize myself from falling off the LuvSac. This person was already held in high esteem in my eyes, but this statement shot him over the top. The great part is that I know he meant every word.

I put tonight on my FaceBook status that someday, when the timing is right, I will be able to have what is in front of me. This person holds so many of the qualities of the person I seek to find in my life, but the timing is all wrong right now. I don't know why there are people who come in to our lives at the moments they do, but they do. The Lord in all his wisdom knows what he is doing and I just have to trust and keep walking forward. I respect this person and I care for them, and for that I have to step back and continue to be patient.

I don't know why the Lord thinks it's a good idea to put the unattainable in front of me, but I sure hope he is having fun with it ;) Someday the timing will be right and all of the qualities I find in this person will be in front of me again, yet this time they will be attainable.

Will ye also go away?

Sitting here this morning I am reflecting back on the events of last night. We have two wonderful people (Andy and Athena) who are taking the missionary lessons and will be getting baptized on Nov 29. I felt the Spirit so strong as I prayed they too would feel it, and that the missionaries would have the words they needed to hear.

Apart from this wonderful experience was also an experience that left me scratching my head. I said something at the end of the meeting praying they would feel the spirit of it. In reality I don't know why the events occurred. All I know is that they did, and these people would have gotten on anyone else's case about it.

Thinking back on it and the spirit I felt, I thought of Christ when he was teaching in Capernaum. I know he feels empathy when I read the scripture in John which says:

60 Many therefore of his disciples, when they had heard this, said, This is an hard saying; who can hear it?

61 When Jesus ^aknew in himself that his disciples murmured at it, he said unto them, Doth this ^boffend you?
66 ¶ From that time many of his ^adisciples went back, and ^bwalked no more with him.

67 Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away?

So much of my life I have been allowing myself to worry about acceptance from other people, particularly boys. I have yearned to feel love and know that I'm not going to be left behind, and I have been willing to do whatever it is to make sure they stay in my life. But over the past few weeks I have learned some valuable lessons that I now realize were only branches to my problem. The root is the fore mentioned issue at hand.

Coming to understand the root has allowed me to see more clearly the things I am doing in my life. My friend hasn't talked to me since I said something, praying they would feel the spirit of it. Normally right now I would be working to patch things up and saying how sorry I am. But I can't turn my back on something the spirit spoke so plainly to me about. I can't deny the veracity of the things I said.

In my life I have lost a lot of people because I have followed the spirit, and I imagine I may loose more throughout my lifetime because of the choice I make to follow my Savior without wavering. Does this mean I see myself as a perfect person? Of course not! It just means that I cannot straddle the gap anymore because it's getting too hard.

On Monday the lesson was about living in the world, but not of the world. Thinking back on that, I think of another lesson Jesus so poignantly taught, "No man can serve to masters." If we try, we will love the one and hate the other. There are talents and aids here in this life to help us navigate, but we cannot let those overtake us. Daily we are confronted with challenges and we will need to make choices to go one way or the other. I love the verses in DyC 130:

18 Whatever principle of ^aintelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the ^bresurrection.

19 And if a person gains more ^aknowledge and intelligence in this life through his ^bdiligence and obedience than another, he will have so much the ^cadvantage in the world to come.

20 There is a ^alaw, irrevocably decreed in ^bheaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all ^cblessings are predicated—

21 And when we obtain any ^ablessing from God, it is by ^bobedience to that law upon which it is predicated.

While principles of intelligence will rise with us, so will the things we have not overcome. That is why we are counseled to "not ^cprocrastinate the day of your repentance." Those who have repented will have a huge advantage in the next life because they won't have to spend time overcoming sins they should have taken care of here on earth. I don't want to experience knowing what I could have had and returning to a place where I will receive what I was willing to work for, "because they were not willing to enjoy that which they might have received" (DyC88:32). I want to be able to say that my eye is single to the glory of God, having my whole body filled with light and comprehend all things (DyC88:67).

In the gospel of Jesus Christ it is black and it is white. There is not place for fence sitters.

34 Behold, there are many ^acalled, but few are chosen. And why are they not chosen?

35 Because their ^ahearts are set so much upon the things of this ^bworld, and ^caspire to the ^dhonors of men, that they do not learn this one lesson—

36 That the ^arights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be ^bcontrolled nor handled only upon the ^cprinciples of righteousness.

41 No ^apower or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the ^bpriesthood, only by ^cpersuasion, by ^dlong-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;

42 By ^akindness, and pure ^bknowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the ^csoul without ^dhypocrisy, and without ^eguile—

43 ^aReproving betimes with ^bsharpness, when ^cmoved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of ^dlove toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy (DyC121).

Module #2

So, this week we are looking at gender and I am reading Beyond Work-Family Balance. The question of the week asks us to look at how we were taught to view our gender. I am posting the question and my answer is below it...

Question:
Let's see if we can do a little cultural research of our own on gender. Please list a few of the key cultural messages your received when you were growing up about what "a real man" or "good woman" should believe, value, assume, and how they should behave. Please remember:

* It doesn't matter if you agree or disagree with them now - we are only making them visible.

* Please report only the messages you heard about your own gender - not those for others or their gender.

* Reframe from judging them and focus on accurately "seeing" them.

* Consider how those beliefs, values, and assumptions effect your behavior.

Answer:

Growing up was an interesting experience for me. My mom and dad were divorced and so in having a split house hold, I also had split value systems being taught to me. My mother was very much the proper person: girls should dress in skirts, mind your manners, make sure your hair is done just so, etc. My father on the other hand was a country boy: everyone should play in the dirt, share your opinion, learn how to do things for yourself, etc.

I remember having this struggle between "what" I should be. Do I follow my mother's wishes, or do I follow my father's (which seemed more fun)? Because I grew up under my mothers roof, it was all about the proper while inside I was screaming to break out. She wanted me to value her ways and I tried. I wore the "right" clothes (yes, that included name brands), I did my hair just so with scrunchies, bows, and all (remember those... yuck!), I strived to be Barbie.

But I think the breaking point for me, at least how I began to view gender personally, came one day when I was watching the Miss America Pageant. I told my mother I wanted to be up on that stage one day and her response was that I wasn't thin enough or tall enough. I thought to myself that if that was all it was about, I didn't want anymore to do with it.

I went cowboy where it didn't matter how thin you were, and all the girls accepted you for where you were. The outdoors became my refuge where I could interact with other girls who weren't afraid to break their nails. Learning to love nature and in turn love myself helped me understand that I have much more to offer than just poofy blonde hair and designer lable clothing. I was a "good woman" no matter what my weight, height, IQ, or interests, and I learned to provide for myself.

Birthright vs. Right now

29 ¶ And Jacob sod pottage: and Esau came from the field, and he was faint:

30 And Esau said to Jacob, Feed me, I pray thee, with that same red pottage; for I am faint: therefore was his name called ^aEdom.

31 And Jacob said, Sell me this day thy ^abirthright.

32 And Esau said, Behold, I am at the point to die: and what profit shall this birthright do to me?

33 And Jacob said, Swear to me this day; and he sware unto him: and he sold his birthright unto Jacob.

34 Then Jacob gave Esau bread and pottage of lentiles; and he did eat and drink, and rose up, and went his way: thus Esau despised his birthright.

Tonight our FHE was short, but powerful for me. For the past week I have been struggling with some things and I haven't been in the best situation spiritually. I have sought out council, and at the same time I have been waiting for someone to "give" me the answers. I guess you could say I have placed some unfair expectations on the Lord. There were answers I wanted, but I wasn't doing my part in order to receive them.

Tonight, Matt shared the story of Jacob and Esau. When he asked what it meant, the words just flowed from my mouth, "Esau gave up something eternal for something temporary."

Too often we fall into what we can see right here, right now. We are hungry, we are faint, we want it taken away. Someone comes along and offers us a quick fix, and we take it. Nephi reminds us, "Ye are swift to do iniquity but slow to remember the Lord our God" (1 Ne17:45). The answer is "given" to us.

But what we don't see is the great opportunity to learn. If we would sacrifice a little more, the Lord would show unto us "the mysteries of God... according to the heed and diligence which [we] give unto him" (Alma 12:9). What marvelous things we might experience if we would just hold out a little longer.

We have also been promised, "I will also be your ^alight in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that ye shall keep my commandments; wherefore, inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall be led towards the ^bpromised land; and ye shall ^cknow that it is by me that ye are led" (1 Ne. 17:13).

Inasmuch as we keep the commandments, we will be led to the promised land - the blessings and answers we are seeking. "Wherefore, ye must press forward with a ^asteadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of ^bhope, and a ^clove of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and ^dendure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have ^eeternal life" (2 Ne. 31:20).

Our Heavenly Father knows the beginning to the end. He knows the pains, joys, and sorrows we are and will yet to experience. The key is to hold on and endure to the end. He will lead us to the promised land as long as we are doing our part in pressing forward, having hope and love, feasting on the words of Christ, and enduring to the end.

"But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than ^adesire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words" (Alma 32:27).

Reflections of Christ

I've come to learn that when I have experiences, I need to write them in the moment. Otherwise, my feelings get lost and confused with other experiences.

Last night I went to meet with the bishop not really knowing why I was there. He shared some things with me and asked if that was my answer. I said no, and shared with him how I'd been struggling. He then asked, "So, are you looking for the easy answer?" I could have been totally offended in that moment, but I knew his question was sincere.

We sat in silence for some time and then he went to his 'drawer.' He pulled out Elder Uchtdorf's talk from October Conference, "The Infinite Power of Hope." He proceeded to read several paragraphs, practically half the talk in fact.

In those moments and in the time following, I experienced God's love for me. The Spirit bore witness to me that the Atonement was real and that I needed to be a student. Being the student requires patience, which is certainly a virtue I haven't acquired yet.

I share with you this video because it is something that has touched my heart and I know it will touch your heart too. Jesus Christ is real. He is the Son of God come to earth to redeem us so that we can return home to our loving Heavenly Father. He is the perfect example of everything we should strive to be while on this earth. We will never be able to repay him for everything he has done for us. We can only repay him by serving, repenting and allowing him to open our hearts as we move forward in life. The Lord loves us all and he is anxious to be a part of our lives.

Who are you?

So... This is my first assignment for grad. school class #2 - International and Intercultural Communication. I thought it was interesting, so I am posting it for you and would love to know what your thoughts are :) Enjoy!

Understanding ourselves is the first step to understanding others. As a means to begin to develop that understanding, and to get to know each other, you are being asked to respond to a quote from Earl Babbie’s What is Society? Reflections on Freedom, Order, and Change. Babbie, a sociologist, says:

"…your identity – who you think you are and who others think you are as they decide how to treat you – is inextricably interwoven with social structure" (p. 69).

How we respond to Babbie’s suggestion will depend on our race, ethnicity, social class, gender, abilities, etc. Your task in this first assignment, your pre-assessment, is to take a good look at who you think you are and who society thinks you are. Below are some questions that you should use to explore and compose your sociological autobiography:

1. What are your social roles?

2. How do the following things shape your values and perspectives:
- Your ethnicity
- Your race
- Your social class
- Your gender

3. Where do you shop? Eat? Live? What do you do to have a “good time”?

4. Think about the messages you heard as a child. For example, if you were middle or upper class, did you learn televisions did not belong in the living room? If you come from a working class family, was it natural to have a television in the living room?

5. What advantages or disadvantages have you experienced due to your social class?

6. How were meals served in your home? Were there communal dishes, a nicely set table? Did you eat meals together as a family? How does this compare with your life now?

7. What messages did your parents give you about education and schools? How was this communicated to you?

A Girl's Self-Esteem

To Feel

feel /fil/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[feel] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation verb, felt, feel·ing, noun –verb (used with object)

1.	to perceive or examine by touch.

2.	to have a sensation of (something), other than by sight, hearing, taste, or smell: to feel a toothache.

3.	to find or pursue (one's way) by touching, groping, or cautious moves.

4.	to be or become conscious of.

5.	to be emotionally affected by: to feel one's disgrace keenly.

6.	to experience the effects of: The whole region felt the storm.

7.	to have a particular sensation or impression of (often used reflexively and usually fol. by an adjunct or complement): to feel oneself slighted.

8.	to have a general or thorough conviction of; think; believe: I feel he's guilty.

–verb (used without object)

9.	to have perception by touch or by any nerves of sensation other than those of sight, hearing, taste, and smell.

10.	to make examination by touch; grope.

11.	to perceive a state of mind or a condition of body: to feel happy; to feel well.

12.	to have a sensation of being: to feel warm.

13.	to make itself perceived or apparent; seem: How does it feel to be rich?

–noun

14.	a quality of an object that is perceived by feeling or touching: the soft feel of cotton.

15.	a sensation of something felt; a vague mental impression or feeling: a feel of winter; a feel of sadness in the air.

16.	the sense of touch: soft to the feel.

17.	native ability or acquired sensitivity: to have a feel for what is right.

18.	Informal. an act or instance of touching with the hand or fingers.

19.	Slang: Vulgar. an act or instance of feeling up.

Shut up, and drive!

So, I have been hesitant to write this blog... But I cannot be the source of my self-censorship. Nor can I let anyone else dictate what I write. Given the fact that I mostly write this for myself and anyone else who happens to stumble up it, I am taking the leap (and may just get myself into trouble).

You know those times when you think you know what you want, so you work really hard to get it? Then, once it's in front of you you aren't sure it's what you thought you were getting and you're not sure if you want it anymore? Am I making any sense???

Anyhow, I have been thinking about what I do want and if I'll ever get it... I want a man who will communicate with me, who will pursue me, who I can talk with about more than a subject or two, who asks me how my day was, who compliments me (more than just verbally), a man who will kiss me like a man kisses a woman (yes, I am a carnal being), a man who surprises me.

I want a man who isn't afraid to be in the driver's seat. I'm tired of working and just want to be pursued...

The love of God is...

A child kissing his dad's owey better
The sweet taste of the sacrament
Rays of sun bursting through your window
A field full of sweet scented flowers
The voice of an earthly angel
Melodious notes from ivory keys
A drop of dew on Fall leaves
The familiar greeting of a dear friend
Splashes of color across the sunset sky
A small meow from a wide-eyed kitten
The power of His restored Priesthood
Serendipitous joy of His words "Child, I love you."

General Conference is simply amazing!

I don't know that I have words to justify the amazing spirit I felt this weekend. While I have often approached General Conference actively, I haven't participated THIS actively since my mission (sad, I know).

I took Elder Bendar's council and went in with questions and concerns. The Spirit spoke so strong to me that everything is going to be OK. I just need to stay obedient and worthy to have the spirit in my life as my guide.

President (now Elder) Corbridge's talk was a nice reminder of all of this. "Either we drink and thirst no more, or we don't and thirst still. Either we follow Him, or we don't... Every good thing depends on getting and keeping the Spirit... We have two choices: Follow the Lord and be endowed with power; or go some other way... You keep going and you don't quit."

There were so many messages of hope, unity, missionary work, and love. "My cup runneth over."

"Cast off the old person and measure up to your stature of potential... Give up the summer cottage in Babylon," said Elder Christofferson.

A great day

Today was an awe inspiring day. Everything kicked off with institute, continued with some stories I'm writing, and on to lunch with some amazing brethren, and ending with a wonderful conversation with a friend. The Lord is so good to me and sometimes I wonder how all my imperfections constitute having His watchful eye in my life.

Amidst all the things I have done, my Heavenly Father is there to help me get up and dust off my knees.

Day 2

We had another slow start to our day, but there were experiences I had today that I wouldn't trade for anything. It seems as if the Lord is guiding us to the places we need to be, and allowing us to take a small glimpse into these people's lives.

The fortitude for life I am experiencing is amazing. Today we had a chance to go around an interview people who have received Mico-credit Loans, help with vocational training, missionary assistance, etc. Their lives would be so much different without this training and help Cause for Hope gives to them.

One of the biggest lessons I learned today was the importance of self-reliance. The day began with a talk from President Marion G. Romney, "The Celestial Nature of Self-reliance." It is an excellent talk to read and share with whomever!

President Romney teaches, "Since the beginning of time man has been counseled to earn his own way, thereby becoming self-reliant... Man cannot become an agent unto himself if he is not self-reliant. Herein we see that independance and self-reliance are critical keys to our spiritual growth."

Our first interview was at a chapel that was more beautiful than any chapel I ever saw in Chile. Benicio Mayorga is a return missionary who is studying accounting and working for the Church. His life has been blessed because he is able to start the process of rising above poverty as a result of going to school. He speaks English and has a wonderful spirit about him. It was such a fun time being in his pressence.

Hno. Jaime Cruz works as both a mechanic and a transporter. There are people who run around in backwards tricycles and take people from place-to-place for about 10-15 cents. He received a loan and was able to get some mechanical training and buy some machinery. Now he has a large contract and is one of the more affluent members.

When I talk about affluent, I am talking about $300-350 a month. That would barely make my car payment... yikes! These people have so few temporal things, but they are so rich in ways that are much more important than that.

We visited a few more people, but the real treat came when we were able to visit with Hno. Wilber Cordoba and his family. There are seven of them, which is probably one of the largest Latin American families I know.

This family was living on 30-40 c's a day. That is the equivalent of 15-20 cents a day... Can you imagine trying to feed a family of seven for 20 cents a day? He broke down as he talked abot how his family was lucky to have one meal a day.

I listened to his two older sons share their experiences and testimony and I saw the future of Nicaragua. It is a bight future full of strong leaders who will have amazing spiritual power. Many of these people have talents, they just don't have a way to realize them, or someone there to point out to them that they can do something that will effect a change in their lives.

The spirit was so thick in that room as they bore testimony of knowing that God will bless them as long as they are obiedient, as they pay tithing first, and of how their faith in the gospel as kept them grounded. This is certainly a special family who the Lord is watching over and helping to grow in the gospel.

Their change came because this brother was able to get a job with the Church and received a loan to help him get transportation. They were barely making it as is, but they took a leap of faith and asked for help from CFH. Their lives have completely changed for the better.

Today was a testimony to me that being self-reliant is so important, not only for your physical mind, but for your spiritual self. When we are able to concentrate on the spiritual, we are greatly increased. But when we are dependant on something, it destroys is little by little.

Day 1

Our first day started off slow as our driver was taking us to the wrong city. In an effort to make up time he sped back through the streets of Managua and I felt like I was in a Chilean micro all over again.

Stop signs mean nothing down here and I watched a motorcycle come less than two inches from losing his life. At about 3 p.m. is started to rain and within minutes the streets were filled with water. I had to have a pictures of myself in it, so risking my life of being swept away I stepped out and got soaked. It was a blast.

We also had the opportunity to go to Paolo's house. He is a street vendor who sells fried banana's in little plastic bags. His life has changed for the better as a result of getting a loan from Cause for Hope.

His house is down by the sewage river and it used to be made out of plastic and sticks. He would always worry for his families safety because anyone or anything could enter at any time. At one point he had a machete at his house to beat off the dogs who would come and steal his bananas (his lively hood).

Because of the loan he received from Cause for Hope, he has been able to increase his business and make some upgrades on his house. It is now comprised of used plywood and has a lock on the front door.

Their living was so humble and yet I have never seen a man with more joy in his eyes. He got to know the Church through CFH and was baptized two years ago. When he talks about the joy he feels in his heart in getting to know his Father in Heaven and studying about the gospel it seems as if all the cares in the world go away for him.

It broke my heart to see so much abject poverty. Not more than 200km from the National Assembly there was a slum village where people had sticks in the ground and they used whatever plastic, metal, or wood to make a house. They lived there without doors, without walls, without much of anything. This country is in such a poor economic situation, people are leaving the country to work and bring the money back.

My day, however, brightened when I got to see the future of Nicaragua. In a room sat about 15 future missionaries. They were bright-spirited and had so much hope and anticipation to serve the Lord. In watching them talk about how the gospel had changed their lives, the Spirit touched my heart.

I wanted to cry as I watched a young lady talk about how she is the only member of the Church in her family. She has fought to move forward in her life and will be going on a mission alone. It amazed me to see so many girls who were preparing to serve missions and it made me happy.

The experience thus far has been amazing and I love the feeling I have among these people.

Home Again

The day started out super stressful and I thought if this was going to be any indication of how our trip was going to go, I didn't want to get on the plane. But I had to be optimistic and tell myself things were going to be ok.

Seven hours after leaving Salt Lake I looked out the window from the middle seat. I saw the lights of Managua and I felt a peace. I was home again. There is something about being south of the border that moves me inside and makes me feel calm.

Just now as I sit on the patio at our hotel, I look around me with the crickets singing, stray cats running to-and-fro, and feeling of the pure simplicity of this country. I love it.

I am home.

Everything is Beautiful

A sweet reminder about love and optimism.

Thoughts on Change

I am not sure I have endured a more publicized election year in all my adult life. I will admit, the Olympics were a nice relief of the world and opposites coming together for a good cause. Then, almost as soon as the Olympic flame was quenched, division in the world came back in to the spotlight along with Convention time.

This year may be a year of change for me. I have always voted on the Republican ticket for president because that's "just what I was." Dumb... As I have matured over the years, I am now of the opinion that anyone who votes a strait ticket has not informed themselves properly and thereby is doing a dis-service by voting at all.

History has been made this year: An African-American has seized the Democratic Presidential Nomination, the oldest man in history has secured the Republican nod of approval, a woman and a Mormon were runners up for the nomination, and now a woman is on the ticket to be Vice President.

I think, however, that history is being made in the mind of the voter as well. Voter's aged 18-30 are taking a great interest in the elections, and they are backing Sen. Barack Obama. Polsters and pundits alike attribute his victory over Sen. Hillary Clinton to this strong backing. In July, Obama had a full 24 point lead over Sen. John McCain in this age bracket. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a higher voter turn out this year over recent years past.

During a conversation with a mentor the other day, she said to me, "I just can't imagine that we are thinking about electing a man who is four years older than my parents to be President." Suddenly, my mind was thrown in to perspective and I thought, "Woah! Wait a minute here... He's old!" And I am pretty sure that is what the rest of the voting crowd my age is thinking.

So, because McCain is "old" he uses the argument that Obama is too "young." We aren't talking age here, but experience. I think about that, and it bugs me for about two seconds. Someone saw in Obama something that struck them to put him up for nomination. A relatively unknown senator from Illinois just doesn't stumble upon a presidential nomination, he did something to make people believe he could institute change.

In all irony, McCain chose as his running-mate someone who is just as young as Obama on the political scene. There are many things she differs greatly on with McCain. Perhaps they see it as a balance? I don't know, but how do you make a decision like that when it goes against everything you have been saying for a year now? Consistency?...

A year ago when Obama was toying with the idea, but not saying anything, I immediatly said that I wouldn't ever vote for him. But he grew on me, and he continues to grow on me; and he grows on the American public. His wife, Michelle, is a class act. And something else, they can tell me how many houses they own (1), whereas McCain couldn't even answer (it's a least 7 if you were wondering).

While I was writing my article on Employee Fraud, I encountered some disturbing things and I want change. I am tired of big money making decisions and enjoying the fruit of the poor man's labors. The Obama's inspire me. It may be a load of crap I want to hear, but it's stuff I like and I believe Barack can do it.

I may get disowned by my family for voting Democrat, but I'm ok with that because at least I vote.

Tragedy of the Commons

I learned something interesting today. Through the course of an interview for a story I learned about an essay called "The Tragedy of the Commons" by Garrett Hardin. This essay has stirred enough interest as to have its own Web site.

The essay states that "free access and unrestricted demand for a finite resource ultimately structurally dooms the resource through over-exploitation." Hardin introduces a hypothetical example of a pasture shared by local herders. These herders are assumed to wish to maximize their yeild, and so will increase their herd size whenever possible. This has both positive and negative effects:

-Positive: the herder receives all of the proceeds from each additional animal.
-Negative: the pasture is slightly degraded by each additional animal.

Crucially, the division of these costs and benefits is unequal: the individual herder gains all of the advantage, but the disadvantage is shared among all herders using the pasture. Consequently, for an individual herder weighing these, the rational course of action is to add an extra animal. And another, and another. However, since all herders reach the same rational conclusion, overgrazing and degradation of the pasture is its long-term fate. Nonetheless, the rational response for an individual remains the same at every stage, since the gain is always greater to each herder than the individual share of the distributed cost. The overgrazing cost here is an example of an externality.

Because this sequence of events follows predictably from the behaviour of the individuals concerned, Hardin describes it as a tragedy: "the remorseless working of things" (in the sense described by the philosopher Alfred Whitehead)" (Wikipedia, 2008).

During the course of my study about employee fraud, I have come to realize how backwards our government systems are and how we are asking, in a sense, for this Tragedy to befall us. We offer something to people and the few people who take advantage of the Commons create a poorer situation for the remaining people.

Example 1 - The unemployment system

Because someone quits their job, gets fired, laid off, or whatever, we feel a necessity to pay them during this time they are "seeking" a new job. I say seeking with a hint of cynicism because of how many people take advantage of this privilege.

I will admit at one point for about two weeks I was the benefactor of this system. My only justification for using it was ignorance. Now that I realize what a screwed up, draining system it is on employers I would veer away from ever using it again. As a taxpayer and gainfully employed person, I am paying for someone else to be without work. Most importantly, as a future employer, I am paying for the possibility of firing someone.

When you claim unemployment it not only hits your last employer, but your last three employers. The previous two jobs I had I loved and only left because they were internships. How right is that? They shouldn't be paying for a decision I made two and three years later.

Example 2 - Workers Compensation

Yet again, employers are putting money away in a "just in case" fund to pay for the medical bills of someone who makes a poor decision on the job and gets injured. Or worse yet, they claim it happened at work and didn't. Workers Compensation fraud costs Americans $5 billion a year. And people wonder why our health care is outrageously expensive. People don't care because someone else is "going to pay for it."

Don't get me wrong, if an employer fails to provide a safe work environment, they should pay for it. However, if an employee fails to follow proper safety procedure that is their own fault and as an employer, and taxpayer, I shouldn't have to pay for it.

When I worked at Staker Parson Companies their health insurance system exhibited an "enclosure" of the Commons. The HRA they have instituted doesn't allow for abuse of the insurance. Employees pay for the health care up front, thus giving them the encouragement to "shop" for their health care providers. Discounts are given for "in network" providers, and greater amounts of benefits are paid if you use an "in network" doctor.

When I used to listen to Rob Bishop give his speeches, I laughed thinking he was exaggerating about our broken system for laughs. I remember one time his commenting at the Weber County Republican convention that before coming back to Utah he named a post office (in the hometown of Nancy Pellosi), a park (in the town of one of her aids), and some other ridiculous thing.

Are you serious? Why do we allow ourselves to be incessantly taxed? And all for what? So a few people can take advantage of the Commons and degrade it for the rest of us? This is what happens when we allow the wrong people to hold offices of power, and as a people assume they are taking care of us, so we sit back, sip our drinks and bask in the sunlight. But while you carelessly bask, you will one day wake up to find that everything around you that was once Common and beautiful is now shredded and Enclosed. And you paid for it without ever knowing.

Birth Control 2.0

A while ago I posted about 'Birth Control', but I never posted any of my photos from that day. There aren't a whole lot, but I had to show you how cute these little angels are.

Coincidence...

I think not...

My mind has been reeling on this subject as I have fallen in and out of sick, flu-like delirium. A few days ago I attended a meeting and when a lady found out I was actually in her stake, she chastised me for not going to a family ward.

Over a period of 30-some-odd minutes I chatted with her and as she listened to my reasoning and experiences, the light bulb turned on for her. The singles ward was where I was supposed to be.

In thinking back on this experience, I think about all the opportunities I would have missed had I not followed the Spirit. Today I sat in a meeting with some pretty influential people and thought about the path that led me there.

The Spirit has guided me to this organization because of the Bishop of my ward. I will have the opportunity to influence change through the talents the Lord has given me.

But none of this would have happened had I not sought the Lord's council. Elder Bednar said:
"Do you and I... remember to pray, both morning and night, for that which we should most desire, even the Holy Ghost? Or do we get caught up in the routine of daily living and the cares of the world and neglect this most valuable of all gifts. Receiving, recognizing, ad responding to the Holy Ghost starts with our sincere and constant desire for His companionship and influence in our lives."

I used to ask myself about coincidence, but now I just smile and know that God is looking out for me; and as I seek the companionship of the Holy Ghost, I will know that what I am doing is in accordance with God's will.

Handwriting Unveiled

I found this paper tonight while searching for some other things. It was pretty interesting to read it and think back to when I did it.

At the time I was working as the Managing Editor and our Advertising Manager's father-in-law was a councilor. He had each of us draw up this paper with specific things on it and he took it home to have it "analyzed."

We had to draw a tree, a picture of ourselves, write and sign our name, pen the date, our favorite and least favorite colors, and write a sentence. For a man who had no clue who I was, he nailed me pretty well to the wall.

His comments:
Rules are good
Structure and security
Be nice and kind
Too sensitive, get feelings hurt easily
Changes for people, masks...
Happy go lucky, fun fun fun!
Classy: good taste
Good friend, loyal
Advice: Be yourself
No masks for anyone
Be real!

My thoughts:
Rules are good as much as I hate them most times.
I love structure and security because it is a more for sure thing for me.
The sensitivity part I have been working on. I usually try to hide it, and fail most of the time...
I do have a tendency to change for people. In a sense I've made myself a camillion so I can fit in with whoever I am with at that time. I blame it on journalism...
I do love to have fun!
I do consider myself as a person with class and good taste (as funky as some people may think it is)
I do have a loyalty problem... I sometimes let it overrun more important things in my life... :/

I laugh as I look back on writing it because I changed some things "to throw him off." Psh! Whatever...

Sometimes in our lives, the things we think we hide to best are most often the most transparent. People can see through us, while we fool ourselves in to thinking it's hidden. This is one of the reasons I love feedback.

I challenge you to share feedback with someone today. You will make a difference :)

You and I

We pass in dreams
Like two ships in the night
For a moment life is calm

It is just you and I

And the world seems to stop
Time pauses for us
In a delirious, delicate moment

It is just you and I

Our hands go together
Like they have been that way
Since the beginning of time

It is just you and I

I lean close to you
And you look at me that way
The way a man does a woman

It is just you and I

For a short time
We share in forbidden moments
Knowing we are meant to be together

It is just you and I

But you have only come to visit
And we pass so close in dreams
Yet continents apart

It is just you and I

Choices

Today things just seemed to pile up and I let things of small relevance encroach on things of more importance. I feel as if I have failed and what is worse, I feel I have failed the people who are on our committee.

I committed thinking things would work out one way, and then it all seemed to explode in my face... I want the tears to come, but they won't... I want to scream, but the sound will not come out... I just feel "here."

Satan is using these moments to poke doubt at me, but I know the path the Father has put before me and I plan to follow it. God will always let our faith and patience be tried, and I know this next little while will be hard. But I have faith things will work out.

On top of all of this is the indelible search, or lack there of. There is a person in my life who would literally cross oceans to be with me. This makes me wonder what I am doing wrong here, or why boys don't see in me what he sees in me.

As I run too and fro, I wonder if I am doing all the things I need to be doing in my life. I also ask myself if my life is too full of "things." Am I so focused in one direction that I miss what God has for me in another direction? Do I just need to keep going?

Just breath...

Harmony & Drop Balls

Today was a pretty crazy day. I thought it was going to be crappy because it started off with me getting up late, and then driving all the way to Idaho because I missed my turn.

One phone call, however, turned it all around. Kyle called and he told me I got accepted in to Gonzaga University! Wow! I was just relieved that it was all over with. I start in September so that is kind-of nervous.

The ribbon cutting went well. I've started to keep a better heads up for potential business opportunities. I think I may have found one today, but while on their Web site I was quite surprised... It was aweful for a PR firm! Holy cow... But they have some pretty big clients, so I've got to use my in while it's there.

Then I ran from Logan to Riverdale to do a proof session. It was quite fun, but the people were also nice so that is always a bonus. After that I came home to pursue some leeds and send out some resumes to do some freelance writing.

In between that, I ran out to my mom's house to do some yard work and then back to shower and go take pictures at a concert at Bella's . The concert was awesome! If you ever get the chance to see the Nashville Tribute Band, do it! They are great! I loved shooting pictures of them.

The blessing there was a contact with the manager and he's getting me in to a concert tomorrow to shoot some more photos. I'm not getting paid right now, but the experience is great and I have a feeling it will lead to other things for me :)

My day was pretty much shot with a crappy softball game. We lost 30-10... While I struggled with my pitching (I haven't pitched in two weeks), I only walked two. All the other runs were scored as a result of errors, and they were hitting whatever I threw at them... I was bad...

So, I sit here musing on the greatness of God and how wonderful he is to me. I know as we seek His guidance to be in the places we need to be in at the times we need to be, He will bless our lives.

So, I look forward to tomorrow with a perfect brightness of hope! Bring on the parade and the concert!

Palabras Amargas

The past few days have brought some bitterness into my life. Unfortunately, most of them have been with boys. As I look on these experiences I wonder why I want to be in a relationship at all.

My first experience came when someone said, "Oh, I'll just call one of my girls..." You what??? One of your girls? Elder Jeffery R. Holland in his book Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments said,

"In this matter of counterfeit intimacy and deceptive gratification I express particular caution to the men who hear this message. I have heard all my life that it is the young woman who has to assume the responsibility for controlling the limits of intimacy in courtship because a young man cannot. Seldom have I heard any point made about this subject that makes me more disappointed than that. What kind of man is he? What priesthood, or power, or strength, or self-control does this man have that lets him develop in society, grow to the age of mature accountability, perhaps even pursue a university education, and prepare to affect the future of colleges, kingdoms, and the course of the world. Yet he does not have the mental capacity or the moral will to say, "I will not do that thing." No, this sorry drug store psychology would have us say, 'I can't help myself. My glands have complete control over my life; my mind, my will, my entire future.'

"To say that a young woman in such a relationship has to bare her responsibility and that of the young man too is one of the most inappropriate suggestions I can imagine... I lay the burden squarely on the shoulders of the young man. For our purposes, probably a priesthood barer, and that's where I believe God intended responsibility to be. In saying that I do not excuse young women who exercise no restraint and have not the character or conviction to demand intimacy in its rightful role.

"Indeed, most tragically, it is the young woman who is most often the victim. It is the young woman who most often suffers the greatest pain. It is the young woman who most often feels used and abused and terribly unclean. And for that imposed uncleanliness the man, as well as the woman, will pay as surely as the sun sets and the rivers run to the sea."

I made a decision at that time that I never wanted to be one of anyone's "girls", and any girl who allows herself to be is stupid and needs to learn to love the girl in the glass; and any boy who has "girls" does not respect the office of his priesthood, nor himself. The temporary gratification is not worth the long term heartache.

"People who love each other will never endanger one another's happiness and safety in exchange for temporary personal pleasure... Never treat him or her as an object to be used for lustful desires" (True to the Faith, 29,32).

I had always heard people talk about it and I knew it was part of this person's life. But for some reason, those three words at that moment in time made me sick and it hit me like a ton of bricks. In that moment I took an introspective look and asked myself if I truly valued who I was.

Realizing that I knew my answer, I made a promise to myself that if I couldn't have all of the person I was dating, I didn't want any part of it. I am not a frivolous girl who can be used and then tossed aside. I am a daughter of God and I deserve to be treated as such and any man who cannot give me that doesn't deserve even the smallest part of me.

Boys who cannot control their carnal nature will pay the price. Jacob wrote,

"For behold, I, the Lord, have seen the sorrow, and heard the mourning of the daughters of my people in the land of Jerusalem, yea, and in all the lands of my people, because of the wickedness and ^aabominations of their ^bhusbands.

"And I will not suffer, saith the Lord of Hosts, that the cries of the fair daughters of this people, which I have led out of the land of Jerusalem, shall come up unto me against the men of my people, saith the Lord of Hosts" (Jacob 2:31-32).

Another young man is slowly destroying the character of a loved one because he cannot accept responsibility for his actions. Rather than taking responsibility for not wanting to commit to his relationship, he lies to his family and tells them it is her fault.

I want to pull out my claws and tear his eyes out, but I know this is not something I can do for her because she has made her decisions and will have to live with the consequences of them. But his lack of willingness to be accountable for his actions angers me, and I find myself surrounded with many like him.

My third example comes from a short encounter Sunday. A young man I have been cultivating for a few months asked if I would be home so he could return something, and I told him I wouldn't be. Then for some unknown reason I invited him over for dinner since he lives alone.

Rather than just saying, "No thank you" I got the haughty response of, "Don't count on it. I won't be there." WOW! I didn't ask him to marry me or meet the family... I was floored. Rejection at its finest...

I determined in that moment that all my cultivation efforts will cease and desist at that very moment. That put me over the top for male encounters for a good long while.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said, The priesthood "shall have a governing responsibility to provide for, to protect, to strengthen and shield the wife. Any man who belittles or abuses or terrorizes, or who rules in unrighteousness, will deserve and, I believe, receive the reprimand of a just God who is the Eternal Father of both His sons and daughters."

The hearts of God's daughters are not to be trifled with; we are not to be disrespected; and most certainly we are not second class citizens in the kingdom of God. No man who understands this important part of the gospel would treat a girl less. It is the boys who are still immature in the knowledge of how important women are who have "girls", who verbally demean them, and who cannot say kind things.

Is there a man out there who understands and respects his priesthood? And most importantly the daughters of God?