Through adversity we grow stronger

I have recently taken a job I don't know much about (I had a habit of doing this...) and I am a little nervous. Today I walked in on the person I am taking over for talking to another teacher about how concerned he was. Mind you this teacher he was talking to has always doubted my abilities from the time I was in high school...

There is this weird thing I have... When I walked into the room and heard his voice, I knew they we talking about me. I thought to stop and listen but my feet continued to walk. Moving forward I heard a little of the conversation which confirmed my earlier prompting and when they saw me that concreted the affirmation.

I have been a little bothered by this and I have been pondering on whether or not to say something. This is already big enough and I am not sure this is something I want to add to my plate. But as I have thought about it, I have thought to some blessings I have received and some scriptures about the little ways Satan seeks to destroy us.

On the outside I strive to appear a concrete persona, when on the inside I am really just as lost as the rest of the world. I still have yet to figure out why I apply for things I have relatively little experience in, and then get the job... Perhaps that concrete persona gives people confidence in my ability to learn and adapt quickly. Maybe I have taken DyC 130:19 a little too literally ;) "If a person gains more knowledge and intelligence in this life through diligence and obedience than another, he will have so much the advantage in the world to come" (italics added).

An e-mail and something to chew on

Last week I had an interesting e-mail and I pondered on it extensively. A former team mate from high school was apologizing for something that happened nearly 10 years ago. I had honestly forgotten and I really had to dig back into my memory files. Nothing was coming to mind other than my drive to be the best and live up to who I was.

We were both on the swim team and she had/has a lot of natural talent. I remember being pushed to be the best each day and to keep my spot in the center lane at meets. This wasn't a bad thing for me, but for some it can be seen as an annoyance. A little fly that just won't go away.

Monday I was reading about the walk-on turned star catcher for the Florida Gators softball team. She has overcome so much in her three-year career. She also said something I thought was interesting. The coach is always looking for better players than he has. This helps keep his team pushing to be the best and working hard everyday for their spot. Because if someone fails, there is someone who hungers for that spot and will step up.

I believe this can be good for a team, and for leadership in general. Once I was reminded by a supervisor that I was equivalent to a drop in a bucket. I would fall and create ripples for a moment, but eventually I would become like all the other drops and mesh into a greater whole. As I write, I realize the importance of always making positive waves and staying fresh and noticed.

There are always "greenies" willing to step up and take a job. They hunger for it, and perhaps more than we do. It's a healthy competition that can be created by always searching for the best. But the question in the end is, "How bad do you really want it? Can you adapt to the circumstances and outperform those around you?"

Wounded

A series of painting by Gale Bourgeois that visually express how I am feeling...

As a Man Thinketh

Yesterday was an interesting day of introspection for me. I was reminded of some basic, yet vital, principles. My bishop wanted to share a talk with me, but the prerequisite was to read the chapter "As a Man Thinketh" in Spencer W. Kimball's book The Miracle of Forgiveness.

I read the chapter with open eyes looking for whatever it was I was supposed to be learning, or preparing for. In the book of Proverbs we are taught, "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he... Apply thine heart unto instruction, and thine ears to the words of knowledge" (Prov. 23:7, 12). We are what we think, like it or not. President Kimball asks, "How could a person possibly become what he is not thinking?... The 'divinity that shapes our ends' is indeed ourselves."

No matter how much we believe that what we think and do in private will remain that way, it won't. We become our thoughts and the only person we deceive is ourselves. What we think begins to reflect on the outside, for good or bad.

While reading the chapter I felt Alma's words as he contended with Zeezrom when he said our words, works, and even thoughts would condemn us, "and we would fain be glad if we could command the rocks and the mountains to fall upon us to hide us from his presence" (Alma 12:14). I know I haven't been a perfect person and I struggled to know that one day the very things that we think are so secret will condemn us if we don't repent. But isn't that rightfully so? We are told in the Doctrine and Covenants that God knows us down to our very thoughts and intentions of our hearts.

So, I reflected on these messages, finished the chapter, and was looking forward to talking to the bishop about it. But when I had my chance I didn't feel inclined to. Maybe it was because of the next experience I was about to have. He gave me the talk he told me about. I was a little surprised to find it was only two pages long.

I folded it up, put it inside of my book, made some small talk, and then I was on my way. Sunday morning I spent some time with it and felt some hope come back into my life. All was not said and done. I wasn't going to be condemned to hell.

The gentle reminder came that my desires needed to change. But they weren't just going to change over night like I had always wanted, but I needed to sit down and spend some selective time making better habits. I was going to have to work for it, that was made clear. But I could do it.

Just the night before I had a conversation with a friend about taking the time to make better habits. I said something that perhaps was more for me than it was for him: "Sometimes we have to take a step back from things, evaluate, and readjust." Too often we get in over our heads without being properly prepared. In those moments we need to seek more Divine guidance and humble ourselves to understand we can't do it alone.

I believe sometimes we must also evaluate our habits. We may have some good habits, but they may not be the best habits, the ones that will lead us through the doors of exaltation. This was made clear as I thought about Alma's seed in chapter 32. He talks about desire, giving place in your heart and nurturing the seed.

In Sunday School someone asked what the difference is. I don't know that there is always a stark difference. There are all kinds of 'good' seeds, but they aren't the 'best' or 'better' seeds. It all comes down to how much space we allow them to consume in our hearts. A seemingly harmless thing actually has the potential to keep us from some very important blessings based one what our mind-set becomes.

President Kimball said that gifts of the spirit will come "as [we] become perfect and the impediments which obstruct spiritual vision are dissolved." I then had to ask myself what those impediments were. What are those things that are obstructing my spiritual vision and right to revelation?

I decided to make a list of those things, and perhaps it should be done with more fasting and prayer. But I am going to work on giving them up, a fast if you will. My hope is that as I focus on loosing those things, I will find a better life through more abundance of the Spirit in my life like the Savior teaches in Matthew, "He that loseth his life shall find it for my sake" (Matt 10:39).

My hope is that through this process I will gain more faith, become worthy of the gifts of the Spirit and the Holy Ghost, and gain more fully the trust of the Lord as I work to become a more effective tool in his kingdom. I have felt the spirit as I have contemplated this over the last few days and I have even caught myself starting to work on attributes I have pointed out to myself. And perhaps somewhere along the way I can find a little redemption as well :)

The man who taught me, but never said a word to me

What an interesting monument to those who died here. Click, click goes the shutter to capture it's grandeur. "For God so loved the world that he gave his Only Begotten Son!" came the cry from somewhere in the distance.

"Thank you for quoting a little John 3:16 for us today sir," I heard myself mumble as my shutter continued to click away. You see, my morning/day hadn't started off very well and I wasn't in the most revelatory mood. Click, click... I was actually fighting to find the Spirit and keep it with me so I could enjoy something about my Sabbath day. But my cynicism and orneriness had closed the doors to all possibilities.

Then I turned around and started to walk toward the sanctuary that was The Alamo. Hundreds of people walking back and forth, reading placards, and taking photos. The day was overcast and temperate. There was a nice breeze blowing that made for a great day to be outside in Texas. Then I saw him.

The man whose cries I had earlier scoffed at. He stood erect on a sewer cover dressed simply in khakis and a plaid shirt and sleeves rolled up. His Bible was clenched in his worn hands as he quoted scripture after scripture. His silver hair and face gave him the mark of life experience, and his face shone with the love of Christ.

I stopped and stared at him as I contemplated what he was doing. Just that week I had taught seminary students about Paul, and I challenged them to be fearless about the gospel and to be missionaries. That day, I saw Paul. A man who was not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ; a man who knew the scriptures; a man who loved God and his son Jesus Christ.

While walking toward The Alamo, I realized all he was doing was quoting scripture after scripture. There was a power I felt in his words. But I never stopped to talk to him. We walked across the street and started reading another placard, but I suddenly found myself starting at this man again.

This time I watched as he stepped from his place to a wall where he sat and carefully placed his Bible in a bag. He sat for a few moments and in that time I almost got the courage to walk over and talk to him. But I just stood there. He gently stood and proceeded to walk down the street. Again, I longed to chase after him and talk to him. But again, I just stood there. No one gave him a second glance as he walked and gradually blended in with the throngs of people and quietly disappeared.

I will never know what I could have learned from this man, or what I could have shared with him. My hard heart became chains of hell (Alma 12). Someday I will meet this man again and I will have to answer for my selfishness.

This gentleman understood the cry of Alma and so many others before him: God loved us so he sent His Son; And God so loved the world that he restored the gospel of Jesus Christ. Someday I hope to become a more perfected missionary and cry with Paul, "For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ!"

Bella

For the past few days I have been showing the movie Bella in my Spanish class. I thought up a few questions to have them answer as their "assignment" and as I was reading through some of their answers today I was taken into thought about some of the things they wrote.

So, I thought I would share some of their thoughts with you:

I would want someone to be there for me. – Tisha Ciccone
You could have it worse. – Brandie Suiter
It doesn’t matter what’s wrong with people they’re all pretty normal and just like you on the inside. –Jerica Tooke
He gave her the gift of love and that’s the greatest gift you can ever give someone. -Julia Nunez
You never know what you have until it’s gone. – Samantha Rands
If things are going bad, things can always get better. If you think you are in a bad position, chances are someone else probably has worse. – Samantha Rands
Live in the moment. –Paige Wood
During the worst of times people manage to find kindness in their heart. – Cassandra King
Life goes on and so should you. –Maddie Webb
We should be more like the blind man and enjoy beauty. – Kiranne Smith
Enjoy the small things. –Kiranne Smith
No matter what happens, I think you need to work through your problems. –Lexirae Vigil
Appreciate the little things. –Jaeger Schuelke
Other things are more important than money. –Justin Empey
He was there for her. –Matt Pearson
You can always find happiness. –Jake Yeagley
You only live once. – McKayla Stephensen
The world is so ordinary to us who see it every day and we take it for granted. –Carter Holt
Live you life to the fullest. –Brielle Cowley
Sacrifice can be worth it, especially to another person. – Brielle Cowley
No good deed is without sacrifice. –Rachel Cunningham
It makes the man happy without giving him money. –Amber Snyder
Think about other people more, and when you sacrifice for other people, good things do happen. –Amber Snyder
La vida es solo una vez. –Rogelio Navarro
If you’re willing to sacrifice something for the well being of another person it will really make a difference in someone else’s life. –Wendy Judson
You only live once, so live life to the fullest. –Brock McCashland
Stick up for what you think is right. –Brock McCashland
In the business life, some hard decisions have to be made. –Tommy Nguyen
You should be a good person –Cassie Detterich
You might have to give up things to make yours and someone else’s life better. –Cassie Detterich
One person’s sacrifice can really make a another person’s life. –Braxton Strong
You only get one chance. –Krystal Oliver
You need to sometimes put others before yourself. –Kilee Allred
You can give up something you love to make things better. –Cierra Mitchell
It teaches you to think about other people more and sacrifice for others can bring you good things. –Taylor Wood
Everyone has setbacks, but don’t let them get you down. –Shelby Burner
If you worry, your life may not be all it can be. –Shelby Burner
Life is full of sacrifice and in the end it’s worth it. –Shelby Burner
Cuando tu quieres a alguien, tu le appelles en todo. –Dagoberto Majano
Live your life and live if good. –Khristian Molina
Sometimes sacrifices aren’t easy, but in the end it’s worth it. –Khristian Molina
Nina realized that life can be worse than it seems, and she should be happy for what she has. It makes me hapy and content on what I do have. –Braden Oliver
The man was blind and was content. Nina didn’t seem to realize how great the day and actually living is. This blind man opened her eyes by just asking her to describe the day. –Sarah Sandoval
They say that you live once and there’s really no use of basing you life off of one thing. Nothing matters that much. –Sarah Sandoval
Life ends, for everyone. It’s not necessarily what you accomplish in life but how you live it, how you feel and make others feel everyday. Sacrificing for somebody is sometimes necessary and helps you both. If nothing matters then you might as well help someone in the process. –Sarah Sandoval
This movie taught me sacrifice is not taking things for granted and helping others is worth it because they make people happy and them happy makes you happy also! –Melina Rubio
Appreciate everything around you. –Sarah Moore
People that make sacrifices are selfless. Making sacrifices isn’t easy, but they are worth it. – Sarah Moore
Focus on what’s happening right now. –Brittany Harmston
If you love someone enough, you will sacrifice everything for them. –Brittany Harmston
We should appreciate what we have a lot more. –Demi DeMille
Sometimes you have to sacrifice all you have to help the people you love. –Demi DeMille
He basically taught her to take a look around her. –Sean Sargent
It may change somebody’s life forever. –Sean Sargent
Sacrifice is not always shown, but it may be there. –Sean Sargent
Disfruta tu vida y todo lo que hagas. –Martha Villalbazo
Pienso que si las personas tienen una problema y no tienen a nadie en ese momento un poco de aminos le podria levanter. –Martha Villalbazo
Todos los sacrificios que hacemos en la vida ayudan a traer algo Nuevo y major. –Martha Villalbazo
Cherish life. –Maria Ramirez
You have to sacrifice if you want something better. –Maria Ramirez
The significance of the encounter was to value what’s in front of us. Not take life for granted. To me it means to treasure what we have in life. –Mireya Coria
Live each day to the fullest because life isn’t bought, it’s just borrowed. –Mireya Coria
We are here today and might not be tomorrow. –Mireya Coria
Just have fun. –Jessica Coria
Value what’s in front of you and appreciate what you have and can do. –Jessica Coria
If you sacrifice you get a lot back. –Sawyer Wylie
You need to do what you believe in no matter what the circumstances are, and that everyone deserves to be loves and be cared about, especially in their time of need. –Amanda Bay
Sacrifice a little and you’ll be rewarded. –Stephanie Veit
You can see the world differently. –Ismael Mata
It (sacrifice) can be hard, but it can also pay off in the end. –Mark Ashby
Enjoy simple pleasures. –Brooklyn Burton
Live your life while you can and enjoy it! –Brooklyn Burton
Love is about sacrifice. –Brooklyn Burton
Think of life in a new way. –Shelby Hill
It (sacrifice) blesses our lives, and we need to sacrifice more. –Shelby Hill