Stepping Outside the "Zone"

Today I did something new. I went to what would be my home ward because our singles ward didn't have church. There were two motives for going there and not with my mom. The first being that there was a boy I met last week at a fireside; the second being that I wanted to see how the ward was.

Truthfully, I should have gone there a long time ago. But I told myself I could be in the same ward with Trevor and I felt it would be OK. It was all fine and dandy until this last month or so. It is a challenge now.

Anyhow, my incentive to try to new waters came because this boy came up to me and introduced himself. Like the nervous wreck I am around boys I stammered over my words to introduce myself in return. In any event, I felt it was an encouraging exchange.

I went to the ward on Sunday morning with the hope of seeing him again. The power had gone out, but they started Church anyway asking people to move up so they didn't have to shout. It was then that I saw him. He was moving from the chairs to the pew just in front of me on the other side.

I sat there for a few minutes debating whether or not to move. Finally, I told myself, "What do you have to lose?" So I picked my stuff up and moved to sit by him. I asked if he was saving the seat and he stammered to say no. I laughed to myself on the inside because I was stammering on the inside being outside of my "zone."

There was not another exchange until Sacrament meeting ended and he asked me my name again. I verified that his name was Ryan, not Brian like I thought previously. He then told me where Sunday School was.

It was interesting to observe his body lingo and that of another boy in the YSA class. He was cute too. They are both the quiet type. But in class, I spoke out more than I normally would my first time somewhere. I figured if they wanted to accept me for who I was, they would or wouldn't. But, I have to put myself out there to give them that opportunity. One more step outside of the "zone."

I was thinking today about sparks of light. While I need to look for them in my life, I also need to give other people the opportunity to see them in, and through, me.

One of my sparks of light today was seeing this young girl talk about this boy, or maybe there were two different ones. She is probably a year out of high school, maybe two. She was talking about all of their redeeming qualities: return missionaries, one listens to conference as he runs each morning, being able to talk for hours about anything, thoughtful little gestures on their part, etc.

She was so starry eyed. For a short moment I thought, "If you only knew what you were getting in to." Then I told myself that I shouldn't look at it that way. She is on her personal journey discovering things about who she is and what she wants, and about what she is looking for in that "special someone."

Now, who knows if any of it will work out. But most importantly, she is so happy. In her I see the hope of a brighter tomorrow and the result of putting yourself out there. God was showing me through her there is hope. There are great guys out there who will be honest with you and who are the Fourth Missionary.

"Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope. And again, behold I say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be meek, and lowly of heart" (Moroni 7:42-43).

The Lord brings us down low so that we may be humble and teachable. In these moments we are pulled out of our "zone" so that we can grow. If it were not so, entropy would take place and our muscles would begin to deteriorate and there would be no progression.

"Whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection. And if a person gains more knowledge and intelligence in this life through his diligence and obedience than another, he will have so much the advantage in the world to come" (D&C 130:18-19).

Untitled

It is the moment you waited for all your life; then you realize it is not what you want at all.

I wonder that I like Christmas at all anymore. After the last two years, I am pretty hammered with "events." Last year, at this time is when my "relationship" started to deteriorate before my eyes.

When we ended, we decided that we would stay friends. I have decided that is not wise. I wanted a "friend" so bad in my life that I lost sight and it took me a year to realize that it wasn't what I wanted at all.

Tonight I said good-bye to that dear friend. It was becoming unhealthy for not only me, but him and his new relationship. She is a doll and I am happy for them. It will be hard knowing that that part of me is no longer there as it was before, but I keep telling myself it will get better.

We exchanged our Christmas gifts before going our separate ways and he made me open mine first. As I tore the paper away, I started to cry as I realized what it was. Part of me is angry that he got it for me because I will always have that reminder. The other part of me sees the significance of the picture and is gretful beyond written or verbal expression.

It is a photo called "Hard Work." The photo shows only the work horse. In it you see struggle, determination, and tiredness. Upon further examination of the photo, you see that the horse has a singular focus (with no blinders), there is no master, no whip, and the reins are loose. President Corbridge once said, "The Lord does not hold us tightly. It is amazing the latitude that we are given."

The photo also stands as a symbol of the Fourth Missionary. Someone who is the Fourth Missionary has total surrender. He is more than a servant, he is a disciple of Christ. This person knows who they are and where they are going, with no force being given from behind.

"Sacrifice and consecration are very similar, but they are different," said President. "When you consecrate, you give yourself to the Lord."

The Fourth Missionary gives everything over to the Lord: his heart, his mind, his might. He has faith and courage. He is immediately and exactly obedient. "The good that you have done will not change who you are unless you have obedience," President said. "All of our blessings are predicated upon laws."

Now, he is not to be put on a pedestal. He is not perfect and he has his issues. But, what sets him apart is that predominantly his & the Lord's desires are the same.

"If you continue to stay active in the Church, the Lord will continually pull you out of your comfort zone," President said. "If He did not, we would never learn charity."

We must reach breaking points without breaking. We must have the vision, for in the end our greatest work will be who we are.

— Do you have a plan for who you want to become one day?
— Who do you want to be?
— When you are standing alone with nothing of the world around you, in a sense naked, who will you be?
— What kind of person are you now? and where do you want to go from here to become the end result?
"If your whole life is snowboarding and Nintendo, who will you be in the end?"

In life, there will always be things that happen and you do not plan for them. And when that stuff happens, it is to give you an opportunity to respond appropriately. "Saints and angels are made out of suffering," said President Spencer W. Kimball. Those who sacrifice most to follow Christ are the ones who will be changed most by Christ.

"If it is hard for you, know that your redemption, your salvation, is built out of this hardness," said President. "When pain, adversity, and sacrifice come knocking at your door don't run away. Open the door and ask them what they want to teach you. You don't have to make room for them, but learn as much as quick as you can, and then close the door!"

Adversity can be our great friend. Perfection requires time. We must sustain obedience over a lifetime. Time is essential. The City of Enoch was sustained in the process of time.

The more the exact obedience, sustained over the longer period of time, against the greatest adversity, the greater the end result. You never know when you can change, or be changed, in a moment. Keep the light on. Look for the "sparks of light." These moments are worth more than all of the other stuff we do.

Now, as you work all of this into your life, your walls must come down. Tonight I said I was tired of building walls, and I believe it now. I know it's going to be difficult. But it is something that must happen so that I can fully open my heart to God and that 'someone' He has prepared for me.

In a sense I feel like a little sea urchin who can no longer be confined within the walls of the shell where I am. So, the Lord is pulling me out of it and I am completely vulnerable to elements around me. I know that I will eventually find another 'safe haven' where I am comfortable, and I know I will grow out of it and the Lord will once again pull me out of it.

Today, I stood at a crossroads. I have stood here before. There are many times when my chosen path has taken me away from the world. And today, I choose once again to be the Fourth Missionary. Today, I chose to seek the fourth missionary as my companion.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

It was the moment I waited for; then I realized it is not what I wanted at all. Today, I choose to take the road less traveled by, and I know it will make all the difference.

Serendipity

I thought I would share a little word history on a previous post. It is interesting to learn about words and the very language we speak. Oh, the things we could know if we would take the time.

Word History: We are indebted to the English author Horace Walpole for the word serendipity, which he coined in one of the 3,000 or more letters on which his literary reputation primarily rests. In a letter of January 28, 1754, Walpole says that "this discovery, indeed, is almost of that kind which I call Serendipity, a very expressive word." Walpole formed the word on an old name for Sri Lanka, Serendip. He explained that this name was part of the title of "a silly fairy tale, called The Three Princes of Serendip: as their highnesses traveled, they were always making discoveries, by accidents and sagacity, of things which they were not in quest of...."

Maneater

A fun tribute to the characters of Jane Austin's novels.

Used to the Pain

I have taken some great strides in the past few weeks and I am happy to say that I am becoming a stronger person because of it.

It all started a few weeks ago when I was cleaning. I decided it was time to get to the boxes I had been ignoring for two months. As I began to sort through things, I found items that I had been holding on to. There wasn't any real reason other than it was part of what I was holding on to inside that prevented me from giving my whole heart.

There were photos of Chris, Anthony, Vance, and Trevor; letters from Kyle and Vance; stuffed animals from Adam and who knows who else. I thought about keeping them for about two seconds before they found their way into my trash box.

It felt so good to 'let those things go.' In a sense it was the beginning of my healing process. It was the beginning of everything else.

Over the past few weeks my best friend has been slipping away as he has found his own way to heal. Honestly, I never thought it would all happen like this. I thought we would always stay best friends and talk about everything like we have for the last 1.5 years. But I find myself divulging more in an effort to hang on to the friendship, and him walking away more and more.

It has been a great pain to my soul, but I read something today that put some antiseptic into my wound. The quote is more about relationships, but I believe it can be applied to our friendships as well:

"This partner you believe you love should not be coerced or forced in any way to continue if she or he does not want to continue. Even if the emotional hurt you feel is strong, you need to back off, not try to hurt the partner back in some way, and allow yourself time to heal."

For so long I have been forcing the issue (so to say). I have been so unfair to those around me in failing to see what is so obvious to them.

The quote also applies to our relationships with ourselves. Even if the emotional hurt is strong, we have to let go of those things that are holding us back from greater blessings. When we look in the mirror, we need to want to be with the person we see. If we do not want to be with ourselves, then how can we let someone else in?

While I feel I have been left alone, I really haven't. There are people who will come and go from my life, but one thing will always be constant: Heavenly Father's love for me.

"Breaking up is not the end of the world. Great learning and maturity can come from surviving a premarital breakup. If on initiates or goes through a breakup with as much Christlike behavior and feelings as possible, and allows himself or herself to be healed by the peace of the Spirit, that person is then more ready to move on to a relationship that can result in an eternal marriage — but not too quickly, mind you."

When I was working, I was running from having to settle with these feelings. It was easy to get lost in something else and not worry that everything was crumbling to pieces around me. But these last two days, I have not had to go to work and I have had all these feelings bombard me.

I was angry that my best friend was leaving me and being a punk. I was lonely because it seems everyone around me is finding someone. I was hurt that part of my belief system was ridiculed in public. I was embarrassed because a boy that may be a potential was part of that ridicule. My once firm foundation feels more like a shaky tightrope.

For so long I have been like the disciples in the fourteenth chapter of Matthew, when a storm arose on the Sea of Galilee and the ship was "tossed with waves; for the wind was contrary." In the midst of their anxiety, the disciples looked toward the shore and a being, a ghost, an apparition, was seen walking directly toward them.

This only increased their panic, and they began to cry out in fear. But it was Christ walking on the water toward them. "Be of good cheer," he called out. "It is I; be not afraid." He was coming to help in their moment of need, and they, misunderstanding, were fleeing.

In my attitude of misunderstanding, I have been walking away from opportunities to be spiritually healed. As my boat is tossed on the waves, I have not looked to the one person who can calm the waves with His words.

So, today I determined that I am going to let me healing begin and I am going to let go of those things that I thought were helping me; but in reality, they were only causing me more pain. I sheepishly am starting to take the bricks down that I thought were going to protect me.

C.S. Lewis wrote:

"The work of devils and of darkness is never more certain to be defeated than when men and women, not finding it easy or pleasant but still determined to do the Father's will, look out upon their lives from which it may seem every trace of God has vanished, and asking why they have been so forsaken, still bow their heads and obey."

I am not yet perfect, but I am starting somewhere. My life is no longer my own, but a trust in God that he will shape me into the servant He needs me to be. There are people I have been called to watch over and there is not enough time to wallow in self-pity.

"Sit back and let the Spirit work."

An Obituary for Love

That person

Today I started to question everything I have done in the last three weeks. Why have I done what I have done? What was I hoping to get out of it? Why did I do it again?

Someone brought something by for me and it was taken away and given to someone else. On the inside I was torn and hurt feeling that what I have done is unappreciated.

As the person was talking to me, I couldn't even focus on what they were saying because I was toggling between feelings of anger, frustration, and unbelief. I had to leave. I couldn't be there anymore.

On my way home, I started to think about everything and if it means anything; if trying to be that person is really worth it. Most often it turns out that I am that person, the person who gets walked on and taken advantage of.

Sometimes I want someone to be there for me. Someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be OK. Someone who won't take me for granted.

Perhaps this is why I don't feel good about taking this job if it were offered to me. I know I will end up in the same situation I am in for two more days.

I need to find a job and someone who will see me for who I really am and what I am really worth.

A caged bird cannot fly

Carl Sandburg once wrote, "There is a place for me somewhere, where I can write and speak much as I think, and make it pay for my living and some besides. Just where this place is I have small idea now, but I am going to find it."

I have a small idea, a dream if you will, and I am going to find it.

There are people in this life who are meant to work for other people, and those who aren't. I am finding that my free spirit is not one that can live in happiness with clipped wings in a cage. So, I am starting my own photography business. I would also like to consider some freelance writing.

It is a dream I have had for a long time and I have had a name for it for many years. My dad says it's the only way to go; but once you step into that rhelm, there is no going back.

While I am not stepping in with two feet just yet, I am going. I have an interview tomorrow which I have felt directed to. There is great possibility for me there I believe and the opportunity to move around.

I horizon is bright and I look forward to the day!

Patience

"It’s a hard thing, patience. But when something means enough to you… patience is going to be critical.

"They say patience is a virtue and like most virtues, we never know if we posses it until it’s been tested. If we’re lucky, we have someone to take that test with us. And if we can pass that test, if we can wait long enough, we just might find the reward greater than we ever expected.

"The funny thing about waiting, is it always seems the more we want something, the longer we have to wait for it. Deciding to wait out the long haul shouldn’t be taken lightly, but it’s an easier decision to live with than others."

A dream

Last night was awful... I slept horribly, It came, and I lost you forever...

In my dream I watched myself standing at the door. You left me and I stood at the door hoping you would soon come back, but you didn't. I watched myself waiting and realizing you weren't ever coming back.

Perhaps it is part of growing up. Realizing it is easier for you to walk away and move on given our culture and separate duties. Although sometimes I feel like a convenience...

I know the person who will never leave me is out there and I think it makes it that much harder. Here I am blogging like a lame-o on a Friday night and he is out there... and you have left me alone.

Spellbound

by Emily Brontë

The night is darkening round me, The wild winds coldly blow; But a tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go. The giant trees are bending Their bare boughs weighed with snow. And the storm is fast descending, And yet I cannot go. Clouds beyond clouds above me, Wastes beyond wastes below; But nothing dear can move me; I will not, cannot go.

Power

I recently read this talk that confirmed and changed how I look at some things in my life. In 1999, Elder Ray H. Wood gave a talk entitled, "Made Like unto the Son of God."

Many of the principles he speaks to are priesthood oriented. As I read the talk, however, I began to think that it applies to all of us. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ we have all taken upon ourselves covenants through the Holy Priesthood.

Elder Wood said, "There should be nothing casual, nonchalant, or indifferent about holding the priesthood. Once accepted, it should not be ignored, neglected, or cast aside. It is a mantle of honor and power."

It is a mantle of honor and power. Through the scriptures we know, "the rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness."

When any of God's commandments are violated, He removes his power and influence. And when He leaves, we are left to our own. That is not a good thing because it is easier to conquer the Goliath's of our lives with the help of God.

We "are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people" (1 Pet. 2:9). As such, we should act it.

Last week in Relief Society I read this quote. I knew when the teacher handed me the paper, there was something special about this quote given by President Gordon B. Hinckley at a member meeting in Kenya.

"I think tonight of the great occasion when Paul describes his experience on the road to Damascus. He saw a light from heaven and heard a voice speaking unto him. And he fell to the ground and said, 'Who are thou, Lord?'

"And Jesus said, 'Rise, and stand upon thy feet: for I have appeared unto thee... to make thee a minister and a witnes... ,

"To open their eyes, and to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan unto God' (Acts 26:15-16, 18).

"Now, I believe that same injunction given by the Lord to Paul applies to each of us. 'Rise,' He says, 'and stand upon [your] feet: for I have appeared unto thee... to make thee a minister and a witness.'

"Each of you has the responsibility of standing as a witness of the everlasting truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Your responsibility is to open the eyes of others 'and to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan unto God.'"

I think of the power of that statement. I couldn't get through it without feeling the Spirit and tears streaming down my face. Each person has been called to be a minister and a witness of Jesus Christ and his restored gospel.

That is only possible if we have the power and influence of God with us. "Choose you this day whom ye will serve... but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" (Josh 24:15). That is the only true way to get spiritual power in your life.

Chose today!

Growing up

The minute I saw you, there was something inside of me that said we had already met. You looked at me as I walked into the room with him and something twisted inside of me. I knew what I had with this other person wouldn't last because of what I felt in that nanosecond of life.

It's been almost a year now and nothing has changed. As you spoke last night, our eyes met and that familiar twist came inside of me again. There is something about you...

I have yet to figure out what it all means, if anything. Maybe it is God's way of showing me there are good guys out there; or of showing me that I can actually grow to have feelings for another person after falling in love and it not working out.

There are changes I am making in my life and positive things I hope to see come out of it. It's time to grow up...

Kick butt crash

Do you ever wake up and feel like it's going to be a kick-butt day? You feel like you are walking on top of the world and that nothing can bring you down...

Then something happens... and you go home and tell yourself to be a big girl and get over it... but it still hurts...

Harmony, PA

October 20, 2007, Oakland, PA

There are moments in life when we need to make decisions. To follow one path or another.

In this moment, I am greatful Joseph Smith chose the path he chose. I am sitting near the banks of the Susquehanna River where Joseph and Oliver received the Aaronic priesthood and subsequently baptized each other.

There is peace here and a strong spirit. To know that near here joseph translated most of the Book of Mormon by the power of God; to know that God appeared to Joseph on this sacred ground; to think about how much Joseph and Emma must have suffered here; to know the mobs came here to attack Joseph and as a result he and Emma lost a child.

Such great faith began on this holy ground. How amazing it is to feel its spirit. How wonderful it is to know it wasn't all in vain and that it still continues on today through a prophet called of God.

Control and Grace

The last few weeks I have been struggling to discover if I am enough. It is mostly in the professional rhelm of my life that I feel the least control. Tears pour from my eyes as I try to put my emotions to words.

A few weeks ago a list was presented to me and it tore me apart inside to know how long the list had been accumulated. In those moments I realized how little confidence was placed in me. My professional ethics were questioned as well as my work ethics, which I have never encountered before. Thankfully I had headed the wise council of my mother to keep track of everything I was doing, especially because I am in new territory.

I think to the young Ammonite warriors. They too were in new territory, doing something they had never done before. The young men had faith that God had prepared them "for such a time as this" (Esther 4:14). Even as they went forth to battle, Helaman recounts "they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them" (Alma 56:47).

I was at the end of my rope yesterday and I lost it. Since that list was presented I have been strung out trying to make sure I am performing up to par. Thankfully someone presented a few things and I regained my composure. No one knows about the list, but it haunts me even in my dreams...

Then I think to Capitan Moroni. He was awesome and inspired so many people. The cool thing, was that he was as old as I am now. He had accomplished so much at his young age, like me; he led people, like me; he was fearless in talking about the gospel, like me; and he even had his weaknesses, like me.

As I reflect on yesterday, I think of when Capitan Moroni was angry and writes to complain to Pahoran. He tells him of all their sufferings and fatigue. He, like me, was at the end of his rope after many years of war.

While this letter could have caused Pahoran to go on the defensive, we get a glimpse at his forgiving and gentle spirit. Knowing the situation Moroni was in and that he did not yet know everything (like me), Pahoran takes the opportunity to teach Moroni, to let him know that he grieves with him. Mostly because he is in the same situation.

Moroni had many great people who taught him, mentors if you will. While I don't have a mentor, there are many great people I have looked up to as they have taken the time to help me understand.

A few weeks ago, I had a 45 minute conversation with someone at work who helped me understand how our finances work and how my proper planning on purchases can benefit our company. Many editors have taken the time to teach me how they think and write (each was different).

This morning I have come to the realization that I have encountered my toughest editor yet. By tough, I mean one that expects perfection the first time around. Rightfully so, he is busy. Although, it is hard when you have something that haunts you and you feel that nothing will ever be perfect enough when you hand it in.

As I sat in the temple the other day, I read Ether 12 and I felt some compassion for Ether and his people. In talking to the Lord, he expressed his concern saying they "will mock at these things, because of our weakness in writing; for Lord, thou hast made us mighty in word by faith, but thou hast not made us mighty in writing... Behold, thou hast not made us mighty in writing like unto the brother of Jared... when we write we behold our weakness, and stumble because of the placing of our words; and I fear lest [they] mock at our words."

I said to myself, "Boy, I sure know how you feel" and let myself get on the wagon of Ether's pitty party. Then, while Ether and I are down in the dumps, the Lord teaches us, "If men (and women) come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

I haven't ever given up on something before, and I don't intend to do so now. As I move forward, the Lord reminds me of words he spoke to me almost ten years ago that there would be many people who would try to destroy me. That very statement solidifies in my mind the trials I have encountered not only in the past and my mission, but now. Every experience I encounter has the opportunity to make me stronger and I know I will be a better employee, leader, family member, and most importantly, person.

There is a reason the Lord led me to where I am now. I think I have figured part of it out, and if His grace is sufficient, I will learn what the other parts are.

Thoughts...

Being aware of your crap and actually overcoming your crap are two very different things.

It's about that moment afterwards when I just feel so safe. So safe.

You don't have to be tough every minute of every day. It's ok to let down your guard. In fact, there are moments when it's the best thing you can do... As long as you chose your moments wisely.

Take Me There

"I know you don't believe me," Pete said. "But I like my women real. Real skin. Real breasts. Real lines around their eyes that mean they've really lived and had pain. You show me that woman and I'm interested."

Mama Burk

"Honorable men are all built the same," said Mama

"And you think I'm an honorable man?"

"Do you know when to walk away? Do you know when to not to take less than you deserve? If you do, then you're an honorable man," she said.

Are we honorable with ourselves? Do we know when to pack up our bags and leave? Sometimes what we want is so dear to us we can't let go.

But is what we can't let go of less than we deserve?

Elder Dallin H. Oaks said there are three kinds of situations in our lives: Good, Better, and Best. We will always be hammered with choices and the hardest ones are those that all seem to be worthy of our time. But, we must discern for ourselves what level they fall under in our lives. You may have something Good, but will you give that up for the Best?

"Eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high stops feeling good and starts to hurt," said Grey. "Still they say you don't kick the habit until you hit rock bottom. But how do you know you're there? Because no matter how badly a pain is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse."

Winner At A Losing Game

Have you ever wanted something so bad, you thought you could make it work? If only this... If only that... You were trying to make it work and the other person didn't seem as interested.

I think I can say all of my quasi-relationships have been this way. Only I wasn't smart enough to pack up and go before they did...

"He's never coming back, is he?" asked Christina

"Remember Christina, you're a strong woman," said Mama

I'm tired of losing.

A little magic

"When is something good going to happen, huh? I just want a little magic."

There are times in our lives when we wish for a spark of something, just a little something to know that the big man upstairs is still thinking about us; to know that he hasn't forgotten about his promises.

But I think the magic happens more often in our lives than we realize. The hand of God can be seen every day in our lives if we will look for it.

Elder Henry B. Eyring recently spoke on experiences he had. He had a book and he would write down at least one experience where he saw the hand of God in his life that day. Elder Eyring mostly did it for his children. But I think for some of us who struggle through our everyday trials, it would be useful for us to start looking for the positives through the day. As we look for the hand of God in our lives, we will realize it far outweighs the struggles we have.

As we prepare for the desires of our hearts to be fulfilled, we will come to realize God is preparing us through small steps. Things so great don't come in a great bang, "but by small and simple things are great things brought to pass."

Good things happen all the time and the beauty of it, is that that is the magic.

Rebellion and Inspiration

How is it that our Heavenly Father has sucha perfect love for us that He can still be there even when we are being dumb? He still gives us glimpses of inspiration to guide away from the crappy path we are on.

I went to the temple and as I sat there I realized I am not happy with the person I have become. Once inside of me was a gung-ho return missionary ready to continue changing the world. As I sat there I wondered where she had gone.

So much of my natural person has come out and I have to rein her back in. As I sat in the temple I told myself that I wanted to be the girl I was nearly three years ago. There are choices I can't take back and I will have to live with that. But I can still change and become a new creature.

The things that have happened in the past can't happen again. I am giving them up for something far greater.

Good and Bad

"When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad."
-Abraham Lincoln

"If only it were that black and white. Sometimes doing the right thing makes you feel anything but good. It can be scary, uncomfortable. Because even when you make the right choices, the bad things can still happen. As much as we want them, there are no guarantees. All we can do is have faith, that if we act with our heart, the things we do will one day make us feel right. Even if sometimes the thing we do feels just a little wrong."

If only...

A little Grey's inspiration

"Nothing remains the same for long. Change. We don't like it, we fear it. But we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. It hurts to grow. Anyone who tells you it doesn't is lying..."

Adapt or stay home by yourself. It is simple. Put some new shoes on and move forward. There are times when we need to let go of things that hold us back.

Today I sat and stared at my computer and fought off the tears. "I'm tired of being alone," I said to myself. I was on a real pitty-pot. "I just want to share my life with someone who looks at me 'that way' and sees me for who I really am."

Then tonight I went out with some friends to a haunted house. There were two boys there and one of them was pretty cute, I'm not going to lie to you. He not only thought I was younger, but I caught him looking at me a few times. It was nice to have someone look at me like that. I don't actually remember the last time I saw a guy look at me like that or show interest to have a conversation with me.

I was starting to think that there were things I needed to change about myself, and there are some (I work too much for example). But there are also guys out there who like me for who I am, how I am. Because the one person in the world I wanted to have see me for how beautiful I really am doesn't, doesn't mean I am any less.

Change is good and it hurts like a mother sometimes, but it's ok. If we were never pulled from our circle of comfort, we would never become the people God needs us to be. How that boy does or doesn't see me doesn't matter and that is something I have had to change. But how God sees me is everything, and as I learn to put my focus there I will change to be a better person than any human could have ever made me.

"But here's the truth: Sometimes, the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh sometimes, change is good. Sometimes change is everything."

A life apart

Here in about 1 week there will be some major changes in my life. I will be a home owner and out on my own. It's exciting and a little nervous at the same time.

While I have this exciting change in my life, I feel like there is a void. I want someone to share it with and some of the other people I most want to share it with don't seem too interested.

Being closer to work and being less involved in extras and church (for the moment) will give me time to do some things I have neglected. Maybe there I will fill the void I am feeling.

Leaving something I have known for 2.5 years will also be a new adventure. I think some people thought I would stay for a while, and maybe I did too. But in seeking to fill the void, I am moving. I need some new scenery and challenges.

I feel that sometimes my convictions have separated me and even driven apart some of the friendships I had (not that I am a perfect Saint by any means). I am not sure that I will ever fully fit it in in this life. And that's OK because my journey will present me with new opportunities.

Perhaps I will be in search for a while. Perhaps it will take me closer (if even by steps) to the one thing that can fill that void.

Dreams

Last night i dreamed a dream...

I was in a room and a little frantic. Something had happened with a friend and I shouted at her. I said everything that I was feeling.

The one thing that frustrated me most was the wall between us. It was full of books and stuff (almost like experiences). I was trying to look through it and see her, but the wall separated us. Looking back on it, it almost seems like knowledge and maturity that separated us.

At one point I was jumping and saw a little bit of light. However, there was no success. I didn't even have any response from her.

It is interesting how our dreams sometimes mirror the realities we are facing, or those things we are feeling inside. There is a situation in my life where that is what I am feeling toward the person who was in my dream.

Our dreams can be very educating and if we pay attention to the Spirit, we will know when we are being taught.

Crazy curves

Life has an interesting way of teaching us lessons. Sometimes it is through an experience; sometimes it is through someone else; and if we are in tune, our Heavenly Father has many things to teach us.

Life changes so fast, sometimes faster than we can comprehend. One day we are with those people who make a difference in our lives and then next they are gone. Do we really value the time we spend with those around us?

Life is too short for petty arguments and to not treat those around us with kindness. In church yesterday a sister shared some interesting numbers. We know through modern revelation that 1,000 years is 1 day in God's time. That means we live 41.666 years to God's 1 hour; .694 years to God's 1 minute; .012 years to God's 1 second.

In the eternal scheme of things, our time here is so short. Are you taking advantage of every day?

Life

Why are there things we hold on to? Do we have some hidden hope that it will all work out? Is there comfort we are seeking?

For the past three-and-a-half years I have been secretly holding on to something. I thought I was ready to let it go. I actually thought I had let it go. But today I realized that there are still wounds there and I am not sure how to quite heal them.

There are nights I torture myself and think about it, knowing that all I am getting from it is misery. Somehow I need to figure out how to heal and really let it go because I am here suffering inside and it is moving on.

Today I had an appointment with Avner, an ex's good friend. I really dread seeing him and I don't know why. It is just awkward for me I guess. On the way out I asked how the ex was doing and he said he was doing good. Then he told me he had gotten married. Avner started to talk about funny his ring was and I already knew what it was...

It was the one we had picked out...

I don't really feel anything, but it leads me to thinking about how my life went into a fiery down spiral because I didn't listen to the Lord. I have become a person I am not extremely fond of because I didn't heed the warnings. He told me not to play with fire, but I had to touch and I got burned really bad. Now he has moved on and here I am with open wounds...

There are things out there that aren't worth the pain. Holding on to old flames are one of those things. Maybe it was a blessing that I found that out. Maybe the Lord is trying to tell me that I have to let go of those things I have buried in a deep, dark, cavern. It is time to let Him heal me and help me move on.

It is amazing how much easier our lives would be if we would just listen to the Lord. He knows what's up and where the best path for us is.

It is also amazing how stubborn we are as human beings. We have to try everything out; We have to test it; We want to do it on our own. But we can't, not 100%.

That is why there is a God in heaven watching out for us and helping us along the way. Only He can heal those deep wounds, if we let him.

Talk for tat

Sometimes when we’re quiet, the answers we have been waiting find their way to us. We can’t always use words to find our way through the darkness. Sometimes all you can hope for is some good conversation when you’re figuring it all out. And maybe when you have no words left at all, you’re right where you need to be. Because sometimes it’s not until you stop talking that things really start.

Beautiful Disaster

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and complements.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she sees make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
And she needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfection.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

Cuz she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's ok.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

But she just needs someone to take her home
And just needs someone to take her home.

~ Jon Mclaughlin

Cuddle buddy wanted

Cute girl (5'3", blond hair, clear blue eyes) looking for a cuddle buddy. Loves movies, walks in the park, and good conversation.

Fate and Destiny

A good friend recently wrote about fate and destiny. Do we understand the implications of the teachings?

Why are we in places at certain times? Is there a reason we are impelled to turn right and not go straight? Do we understand there is a loving God that knows all who can steer us away from dangers?

This morning I was taking the back routs to work because I saw some free furniture yesterday. I wanted to make sure it was still there before my mom went over with Ogden to pick it up. I haven't ever seen a sheriff on that road and that is why I like to go that way. I was zipping along and this "stupid bird" flew out in front of me causing me to slow down. Not 100 yds later, there was a sheriff off to the side of the road. Did that bird have a purpose in that moment?

I hardly ever take the back roads home, but yesterday I chose to and saw a free couch. Is there a reason I was directed that way? Or in talking to some people, one sold me their practically new dryer for $100 and another told me I could have their mildly used washer. Did God put me in their path at that time for a reason?

This morning I have been listening to a talk by Elder Neil A. Maxwell called "But for a small moment." He said so beautifully,

"God knows even know what the future holds for each of us...

"If God chooses to teach us the things we most need to learn because he loves us, and if he seeks to tame our souls and gentle us in the way we most need to be tamed and most need to be gentled, it follows that he will customize the challenges he gives us and individualize them so that we will be prepared for life in a better world by his refusal to take us out of this world, even though we are not of it. In the eternal ecology of things we must pray, therefore, not that things be taken from us, but that God's will be accomplished through us. What, therefore, may seem now to be mere unconnected pieces of tile will someday, when we look back, take form and pattern, and we will realize that God was making a mosaic. For there is in each of our lives this kind of divine design, this pattern, this purpose that is in the process of becoming, which is continually before the Lord but which for us, looking forward, is sometimes perplexing...

"Jonah, you recall, had been called to go to Nineveh. He didn't want to go to that urban center that was so big. We are told it took the people hours to walk across that city. He tried to find a ship going to Tarshish. He "paid the fare thereof," hoping to leave the presence of the Lord. You and I will one day know, if we do not know now, there is no way we can escape from God's love, because it is infinite. However many times in our lives we might rather go to a Tarshish than a Nineveh, he will insist that we go to Nineveh, and we must pay "the fare thereof"...

There are many times in our lives when we want to go to Tarshish and not to Nineveh. But when we make the decision to be obedient, even though we don't know why, there are blessings awaiting us. The Neneveh's of our lives may seem bigger than we are. But we are sent there to face them for a reason. When we chose to be disobedient, Elder Maxwell said, "Most of our suffering, brothers and sisters, actually comes because of our sins and not because of our nobility."

Not all of our trials come because of who we are. Many of them are brought on by our own disobedience. So, what kind of trials will you chose to have? Will you have the kind that are brought on by fate? Or those that come through destiny?

"Some of us will have to be most courageous, not when we're alone, but when we're in a crowd. Whatever the form the test takes, we must be willing to pass it. We must reach breaking points without breaking. We must be willing, if necessary, to give up our lives--not because we have a disdain for life as some do, but even though we love life--because we are the servants of him who did that in such an infinite way for all of us."

Tiffany

Do you remember?

That time you looked at me "that way" for the first time and I got butterflies in my tummy; when you touched my hand for the first time; or when we rode a tram to the top of the mountain, ate breakfast while the sun came up, and studied; that time when your jet ski died in the middle of the Bear Lake and I had to tow you in and we laughed all the way; when you kissed me on the clock tower as the bells rang midnight; or perhaps the time when we were out in the middle of nowhere by the train tracks talking and looking at the stars.

Do you remember? Probably not, but I do and that's what makes them memories I cherish.

Reality

I spent yesterday afternoon choosing colors for my house: carpet, tile, pergo, paint, counter tops... Holy cow! I guess I never really thought about all the coordination that needed to happen to make sure you get what you want. And even then, will you like it when it's all said and done?

The only thing I am not entirely crazy about is the carpet. It's a mixture of dark brown, tan, and a dark creme color. My floors are dark brown; cabinets a ginger knotty alder; counter tops a black/brown mixture; tile is a medium creme/tan; and the paint is called Loop (maybe for the loopy person moving in). Right now I am doing one-toned paint walls. Next summer I will two-tone paint the place on my own.

As I looked out the window, the framers were moving to my building. Roughly three months from now I will move into my own home. I will be the master of all that goes on inside. Reality sets in.

There are times in life when you know you need to move on, but those initial steps are a little shaky. But you close your eyes and take those first few steps forward. Once you start to move, it becomes more and more exciting.

My mom and I went to get a drink after and we were talking about things to put in the house. She was giving me some great council on keeping things simple for now. There are also a lot of things (mainly photos and paintings) I have that will make nice accents. I wonder if she remembers that she said I could have the piano... hmm...

One-armed Bandit

Have you ever thought how tedious it would be to only have one arm? I didn't until I only had one arm... Last night I payed the price for playing hero.

CRRRAAACCKKKK!!! came the ball off the bat. Line drive down the third base line. I dove to try and catch it, but I missed. As I came down on the ground I hear RRRRIIIIIP! I can't move my arm... I start to cry knowing that something is wrong and we are only one inning away from winning our first game.

"Something's wrong," I hear someone say... Oh great I think to myself. Maybe I can shake it off, but when I try to move it only hurts worse. My team mates came running over and tried to bandage me up.

Millie, who works in physical therapy starts to ask questions. "I think you may have torn your rotator cuff." CRAP! Are you serious??? The ride to the hosiptal was forever long because I felt every bump in the road and I had to think about the worst: surgury, rehab, the rest of my summer gone.

In the emergency room when the doctor finally came in, it took him about 30 seconds to diagnose a dislocated shoulder. "We're going to give you a concious sedation and put it back into place." Cool I thought, whatever you have to do to make this pain go away.

Drugs will make you say funny things, but I didn't care because when I woke up I felt so much better. I am now stuck in this stupid sling and can only type with one hand. There are many thoughts I have had, but you will have to wait because this is quite tiresome. Cherish and take care of all your appengdages because when they are gone, it sucks.

A House

Things are getting interesting in life... I am buying a townehouse and it's pretty exciting. It will be close to work and I am building, so I get to chose the stuff that goes inside.

I am pretty nervouse because this is huge. But at the same time, it is a good investment for me to make. I will be that much closer to being settled and a little more prepared if marriage ever comes my way.

Stay tuned for photos!

Moving on

There are always interesting things that happen in life. You graduate from school; you break up with the love of your life; you get a new job. Lots of stuff.

Recently there have been so many "moving on" points in my life and people probably look at what I write and roll their eyes. I hope you don't read this and ever think, "Oh, poor her" because that is not what this is all about. I want you to realize I write not only to get my frustrations out, but to let people know they are not alone.

So often we think we are alone when we are going through something. We look all around ourselves and wonder why we are the only ones having such a hard time; when we don't realize that they too are struggling, maybe just not as publicly.

Moving on is a good and necessary part of life. There are many times that we don't want to and we think things will just work themselves out. Well, they don't and the sooner we realize it, the better off we are. There are reasons things don't work out and that is because there is something bigger and better out there.

For example: I had this internship and it was my dream to get a job there. There was nothing better than waking up in the morning and knowing that I loved to go to work. They told me there would be a job and so I waited, and waited, and waited some more. Then they told me there wasn't going to be a job and I hung on in hopes that there would be one. It never came and I had to go job hunting.

My new job is wonderful and I enjoy it a ton. If I had not taken the hint to move on, I think I may have been and intern forever... I had to give up something good for something great. And this is so great!

Moving on is OK. It is a necessart part of life. Things will be OK.

Insecurities

I don't like not knowing where I am with people. I struggle with insecurities when I don't know. Tonight a friend said something to me (in a laughing manner) and it brought back some feelings that I had previously pushed away into some crevis.

I dated this boy for a long time and I wasn't ever secure in the fact that we were dating because I was always introduced as a "friend." He was flirtatious with other girls I didn't know and that was hard for me.

I stayed pretty secure in the times he would tell me I was beautiful, but even that wasn't a lot. It was hard because the way he looked at other chicks and talked about their "attributes" made me feel inferior... And one day I found out why because of a comment that was never meant for my eyes.

In that moment I can't even describe my feelings. I felt like everything that was previously said lost it's meaning.

That's when things dove into a black abyss at lightening speed. Things were already going downhill and I tried to hide from it. Maybe that was the Lord's way, very painful way, of hitting me upside the head.

I still question things. People make comments and I just brush them off because I wonder if they really mean it, or if they are just saying it... Did he ever mean it even though he "wasn't as attracted" as he wanted to be to me???

Lani said something the other night when I was so sick. It is one of the few things I remember, I think mostly because I felt the Spirit. She looked me directly in the eyes and said, "I don't know why people can't see what a diamond you are. There is so much they are missing."

I want someone to share my life with, but I only want it knowing that I am the only person they see. I only want to share if they will share with me. I only want it if I can feel the same spirit I did with Lani and the words she spoke.

I don't want to be second guessing myself around other chicks.

Attitude

I have decided that life is all about attitude.

When you make a decision about something, that is the way it is if you really want to work for it. I look in the mirror in the morning and I tell myself that I am freaking sexy and I feel it because I mean it.

How you feel about yourself radiates to others.

Winds of Change

I saw this video last week at the Business Marketing Association conference in Las Vegas. Marc Johnson, Kodak's Director of Industry Marketing Inkjet Printing Solutions, talked about how Kodak has had to change to get market share back.

We all know the phrase "That's a Kodak moment", or maybe you remember the Brownie Camera. But what do you do when digital replaces film? Kodak actually invented the first digital camera circa 1972 and sold it to Apple because they didn't think it would go anywhere... Wow!

For You To Notice

The Mirror

Last weekend I drove nearly 1800 miles with my dad across the country. Three days of looking at the diversity of God's beauty gives time for inner reflection about one's self and direction.

I look at myself in the mirror and I see a different person from three years ago, both good and bad...

The girl two years ago that had such high hopes about everything has changed. In some aspects, I do not like who she has become. It is so easy to fall, yet so hard to climb back up again. She has allowed Satan to push her into corners she never said she would be in. The beautiful girl who once stood there is struggling to keep her light.

The other night a wonderful bishop said something, which in that moment, was profound: Where there is light, there can be no darkness because light dispels all darkness. He then shared this beautiful painting with us of the Garden Tomb. It was from the inside looking out. I must of stared at it for a while. It was beautiful.

I saw something there that I haven't seen elsewhere. And I struggle because I know what I am supposed to be doing, but I think I am scared of who I really am, so I sabotage myself... Knowing that this is a huge ingratitude, I sit and I feel awful.

There are times when I feel so alone in my struggles that I just want someone to hold on to. That person in my life is beautiful beyond description. I know someday I will have to let go completely, but for now I cherish the moments we have together. He is that person in my life right now that I would give up everything temporal thing to be with for a day, hours, or even minutes.

Tonight I sit in front of this screen in the darkness with piano music playing in the background trying to put my feelings into words. Most often that is the only way I feel I can express myself. My screen shakes as a sign of phone interference and I will the little red light on my phone to blink for some sign that I am not alone, but it doesn't and I once again find myself alone.

While there may be a negative undertone, all of this really is positive. There are experiences I shouldn't go through, however as a consequence of my actions I am being taught different lessons. I need to learn to let the light of Christ come through to take away the darkness that seems to engulf me. At the same time, I have to let my selfishness go because I am to be an instrument in the Lord's work and I cannot do that wallowing in darkness and self-pitty. The Spirit can only abide in light and truth.

I have been asked to teach this week, and so it is ever more important for me to get over myself, "look and live." The lesson I have been asked to teach is interesting to me... "Woe unto You,... Hypocrites." I always get these kind of topics when I am struggling and I usually have to work twice as hard to find my lesson.

Remember, there is a time and a season appointed unto all that they may learn the lessons they are to be taught. So as the mirror reflects back and unpleasant image, it is through the Atonement of Jesus Christ that a new creature can become the beautiful child of God Heavenly Father knows we are.

There are times when I grab the nearest thing to me just to feel something close to me. In a narcissistic way, it is comforting. I look out the window and I think about all the people out there...

I dream of you... The brush of your hand; The sound of your voice; That look in your eyes. When you touch me it is like I am in a completely different place. Your words are so soothing and your kisses are like rain on my lips.

I dream of you... A stalwart man before God; A man who loves his family; Someone who is willing to work hard. We are happy because we work for what we have. Your dreams become my dreams and mine become yours. We become one and work toward the same common goal.

I dream of you... Do you see me?

Would you?

What would you do if you could only be with the person you loved for one day? Would you give everything up just to hold them? to touch them? to spend those precious moments with them?

If you knew you would have to let go of them within days, or even hours, of knowing them, would you still do it?

There are those times in your life when you realize things are going to change. Nothing can stay the same. Your best friends will get married (and you smile and say your happy for them because you are, but you are sad too). You will move. People change.

Change is a good thing. It keeps us on our toes, moving, seeking for better, and working on our most important project in life: YOU. "You" are your most important work. All of these outside elements will have some kind of influence on choices you make. But only you decide who "you" will become.

I am greatful for all the experiences I have had and the people who have come into my life. Inside I hope they will always be mine, but I know better. When your best friend comes to you with that glimmer in his eye and says "I really like her" and that smile is there on his face, you know things will change. And that's OK. It has to be. Because that is their next step of progression.

Everyone's steps come at different times. For now mine is toward trying to be a big girl and grow up, and theirs is toward eternal happiness with that person that puts that glimmer in their eye.

"So you want to know the truth?"

"You can defend yourself princess..."

I have had a negative few weeks... Thinking that I needed "that person" in my life. Thinking about more negative things than positive things. Doing lots of thinking. Too much thinking...

Tonight I think about all the things in my life and realized that I am my own person. I can save myself. I can provide for myself. I am woman (hear me roar! ;)...)

I am OK.

There are so many things that i give up for other people in hopes that somewhere I will find happiness... Blessings that are supposed to come because of sacrifice... Friends you hope will at some point give back...

In my effort to keep my head above water I wonder if I am doing the right things or spending my time in the right places.

I am supposed to speak in Church tomorrow but I don't know what I am going to say. For two weeks I have been struggling with my topic: How do I know if the Lord is pleased with me?

Perhaps I have been struggling because I don't know if He is happy with me or not... This past week I have had so many commitments on my plate: work, church, a semi-existent social life, etc. I have been trying to do too many things by myself and I can't do it anymore. I sit here in tears at the keyboard wishing that all the words that were pouring out of my fingers were for my talk.

On Friday all I was after was a little "Thanks." But in reality, I should know better. I was so sick from the stress, trying to get everything done and balancing a social life that I so desperately want. And while I have people around me, I feel so alone...

I sat with 300 people today and felt like I was a faceless person in a crowd... I stared at material for two hours asking for something to come to me... I did a terrible job at fulfilling my family obligation tonight because of a commitment I previously made and I know she said it was OK but I should have been there... Then on my way to my other commitment, I got feeling sick and felt like someone else needed my time (and at the same time hoping they would be there because they knew I needed them too) only to find I would still be alone...


I want to disappear... And if I did, would anyone notice I was missing anyway?

disappeared

Disappearances happen in science; disease can suddenly fade away; tumors go missing; we open someone up to discover the cancer is gone. It’s unexplained, it’s rare, and it happens. We call it misdiagnoses; say we never saw it in the first place. Any explanation but the truth. But life is full of vanishing acts. If something we didn’t know we had disappears, do we miss it?

Do you ever feel like your disappearing?

All the time…

Why can’t I just be that happily-ever-after person?

Like I said, disappearances happen. Pains go phantom. Blood stops running. And the people, people fade away. There’s more I have to say, so much more. But, I’m disappeared…

If I went missing, would anyone notice I was gone?

Memories

The highway is long sometimes, but going back home always brings a nostalgia to life. Long roads with nothing but fields and the occasional farm house on either side; the smell of alfalfa; a spring where you remember trying to catch those "giant mosquitoes" that were harmless; and the ranch where you spent time on the weekends.

Of course, you can't forget the family traditions. The spring is a make-shift baptismal font where so many of my prediscesors were born again. Grandpa's cabin where CNN played all day every day. The feedlots we run our cows through are still up on the side of the hill. But the grain barn we would play in is only evidenced by the concrete foundation that peeks through the weeds. Grandma's cafe has been revived by the migrant workers and made into a dance hall.

I usually only make it to Fayette when someone dies. This year grandpa wanted everyone to get together for a traditional Easter, which entails a pick-a-nick by the spring, four-wheeling and rolling the Easter eggs down the hill. Yes, you read correctly: Rolling Easter eggs down the hill... To heck with hiding and finding them. The owner of the egg that goes the farthest and stays intact gets to be in charge of the eggs for next year.

Toree and I hopped on a four-wheeler and roamed around the hills of Fayette for a few hours. Smells and scenes brought back memories of a more care-free time. I was fun just to ride around and feel the wind in your face. That was until it started to rain and eventually hail... We were soaked by the time we got back to Dale's, but we had fun and that was all that really mattered.

It is refreshing to go back to your roots and remember the humble beginnings of your family. It is sobering too. All the sacrifices that were made so the following generations could have a better life.

Someday, part of what's there will be mine and I am thankful it means something to me. Toree and I are really the only great-grandchildren who knew grandpa and grandpa and the love they had for everything they had built.

It saddens me that I was not able to spend more time with them. At the same time it reinforces the importance of spending time with the family you do have around you. You never know when they will be gone, along with their knowledge.

Dispensable...

Do you ever feel like you are dispensable? You have plans to do something with someone and they do something else, most often without thought of telling you. Most often because you "understand" and "it will be OK." And in those moments you ask yourself, "How important, if at all, was it to them?"

Why am I understanding, most often to the point of being walked on???

Keep Holding On

lyrics - Avril Lavigne Lyrics

There are experiences and moments in life when you learn about who you are, your direction in life and how valuable the people around you are. The gospel of Jesus Christ becomes a staple to keep you from crumbling when everything flashes before your eyes.

If your life ended right now, would you be satisfied with everything you have done? Would you be able to look God in the eyes and know you are without spot?

There are, and will be, times when you are so close to the edge you need to have those answers and they better be for the better because you don't know if you will come back. As you watch the people around you deal with the edge, you hope they too have the answers.

As friends, we look at those people who are dearest to us and desperately grab at them when you see them teeter over the edge. You want to make everything better for them, but you know you can't. Only they can make those decisions as the exercise their agency.

I believe those moments are the hardest when it is someone you love. You muster everything inside of you to be strong; and sometimes, you have to be strong for a long period of time. Then in private moments you melt to the floor and thank your Heavenly Father for extending His hand once more.

Everyone around you asks why you do it time after time, and you reply to them "Why not?" There are people that come into your life for a purpose. Most often, it is to make you and/or them stronger. But strength doesn't come without resistance.

So you say,
"You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in
Keep holding on"

My beautiful second family

Tara looked marvelous on the day of her wedding! They looked so happy and it was great to see the family again. Heather's children are growing like weeds and it seems like just yesterday her and Nash were getting married and they were just beginning their family.

Instruments

There are beautiful people all around us everyday. Each has the power to touch our lives for good. And while the 'touch' may seem negative, we have the power to take it as a learning experience and make it good.

"Your calling is to bless lives. . . . Just the way you smile or the way you offer to help someone can build their faith," Elder Henry B. Eyring (Ensign, Nov. 2002, 76) said.

Every single person in this life has a calling. You may, or may not be, formally set apart, but you are called to bless lives amidst all the other things that are going on in your life.

What a wonderful thing that you can be an instrument in the Lord's hands.

The Relief Society visiting teaching messages this year are about the different ways we can be instruments in the Lord's hands. There are a few quotes this month that I love:

“If we are in tune with the Spirit, if we are seeking the Lord and His guidance, if our direction is to return to our Father in Heaven, the sweet moments will come. And we will treasure them, for we have become instruments in the hands of God,” Bonnie D. Parkin, Relief Society general president.

“When you are filled with the Spirit of God, … that [Spirit] satisfies and fills up every longing of the human heart, and fills up every vacuum. When I am filled with that spirit my soul is satisfied. … The Spirit of God will impart instruction to your minds, and you will impart it to each other. … Remember that you are Saints of God; and that you have important works to perform in Zion,” Eliza R. Snow (1804–87), former Relief Society general president.

“Put difficult questions in the back of your minds and go about your lives. Ponder and pray quietly and persistently about them. The answer may not come as a lightning bolt. It may come as a little inspiration here and a little there, ‘line upon line, precept upon precept’ (D&C 98:12). Some answers will come from reading the scriptures, some from hearing speakers. And, occasionally, when it is important, some will come by very direct and powerful inspiration,” President Boyd K. Packer, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.

It is important to step back and evaluate your life; to see were you are going and if you are truly doing those things that the Lord wants you to do. Or are you doing what you want to do in life?

Most often when you do what you want to do, the Lord is limited in the blessings He can give you. That is called fearing man more than you fear God. But if you put Him first, all other things will fall into place. And if people don't understand, that is their fault.

“Women … who can hear the voice of the Lord, and who respond to those promptings, become invaluable instruments in His hands. … Never doubt that your influence is absolutely vital to preserving the family and to assisting with the growth and spiritual vitality of the Church,” Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.

Trust

George Macdonald, the great fantasy writer, once said, "To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved."

One of the reasons he said, I believe, trust is the greater compliment is because it is what you must have first. Love can only exist where there is first trust.

Webster defines trust as, "assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something." Often in life we seek to surround ourselves with people who have these qualities. We look to them to fill the gaps we miss; we depend on them; we trust them.

Trust is a very delicate thing. It takes a lifetime to build and seconds to destroy. Once someone steps over that line, it is hard for things to ever be the same. Satan works hard to put that wonder in your mind if they are being honest with you, or if they are pushing that line again.

The sad part is, the destruction of trust doesn't just involve the character of one person. When you cross that line, you often take the character of other people with you. It is a destructive cycle and oftentimes the people around you don't realize they are being dragged in until it is too late.

Ralph Waldo Emerson is in inspirational writer who writes for the reader to think. In every friendship I believe there is some kind of spiritual connection; something that draws you to that person. Some call it the Law of Attraction. Emerson wrote of this inspiration, "The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship."

I for one am someone who builds walls. My work is quite efficient by now. I tread my paths lightly and work to tread others' paths carefully as well. There are things we tell ourselves. We convince our mind that is it OK when it really isn't, and along the way we destroy the very thing which is most precious to us.

Cardinal De Retz, once Archbishop of Paris, said, "A man who doesn't trust himself can never really trust anyone else." This was interesting considering he spent his life floundering about in who he could trust and "knowing" the right people to climb the ladder.

Once we settle the issues of trust within our own souls, then we can begin to let people in from the outside. Until then, we will always struggle to be true to ourselves and those around us.

The question is, when will we figure it out? Will it be before we push those who love us away? Or will it be too late?

The Jazz Game, Mar. 5

It was a great night of 10th row Jazz basketball. They obliterated their opponent. We had a good time. It was only a bummer because the camera battery died, thus the explanation for lack photos for such an entertaining event.