There are so many things that i give up for other people in hopes that somewhere I will find happiness... Blessings that are supposed to come because of sacrifice... Friends you hope will at some point give back...

In my effort to keep my head above water I wonder if I am doing the right things or spending my time in the right places.

I am supposed to speak in Church tomorrow but I don't know what I am going to say. For two weeks I have been struggling with my topic: How do I know if the Lord is pleased with me?

Perhaps I have been struggling because I don't know if He is happy with me or not... This past week I have had so many commitments on my plate: work, church, a semi-existent social life, etc. I have been trying to do too many things by myself and I can't do it anymore. I sit here in tears at the keyboard wishing that all the words that were pouring out of my fingers were for my talk.

On Friday all I was after was a little "Thanks." But in reality, I should know better. I was so sick from the stress, trying to get everything done and balancing a social life that I so desperately want. And while I have people around me, I feel so alone...

I sat with 300 people today and felt like I was a faceless person in a crowd... I stared at material for two hours asking for something to come to me... I did a terrible job at fulfilling my family obligation tonight because of a commitment I previously made and I know she said it was OK but I should have been there... Then on my way to my other commitment, I got feeling sick and felt like someone else needed my time (and at the same time hoping they would be there because they knew I needed them too) only to find I would still be alone...


I want to disappear... And if I did, would anyone notice I was missing anyway?

disappeared

Disappearances happen in science; disease can suddenly fade away; tumors go missing; we open someone up to discover the cancer is gone. It’s unexplained, it’s rare, and it happens. We call it misdiagnoses; say we never saw it in the first place. Any explanation but the truth. But life is full of vanishing acts. If something we didn’t know we had disappears, do we miss it?

Do you ever feel like your disappearing?

All the time…

Why can’t I just be that happily-ever-after person?

Like I said, disappearances happen. Pains go phantom. Blood stops running. And the people, people fade away. There’s more I have to say, so much more. But, I’m disappeared…

If I went missing, would anyone notice I was gone?

Memories

The highway is long sometimes, but going back home always brings a nostalgia to life. Long roads with nothing but fields and the occasional farm house on either side; the smell of alfalfa; a spring where you remember trying to catch those "giant mosquitoes" that were harmless; and the ranch where you spent time on the weekends.

Of course, you can't forget the family traditions. The spring is a make-shift baptismal font where so many of my prediscesors were born again. Grandpa's cabin where CNN played all day every day. The feedlots we run our cows through are still up on the side of the hill. But the grain barn we would play in is only evidenced by the concrete foundation that peeks through the weeds. Grandma's cafe has been revived by the migrant workers and made into a dance hall.

I usually only make it to Fayette when someone dies. This year grandpa wanted everyone to get together for a traditional Easter, which entails a pick-a-nick by the spring, four-wheeling and rolling the Easter eggs down the hill. Yes, you read correctly: Rolling Easter eggs down the hill... To heck with hiding and finding them. The owner of the egg that goes the farthest and stays intact gets to be in charge of the eggs for next year.

Toree and I hopped on a four-wheeler and roamed around the hills of Fayette for a few hours. Smells and scenes brought back memories of a more care-free time. I was fun just to ride around and feel the wind in your face. That was until it started to rain and eventually hail... We were soaked by the time we got back to Dale's, but we had fun and that was all that really mattered.

It is refreshing to go back to your roots and remember the humble beginnings of your family. It is sobering too. All the sacrifices that were made so the following generations could have a better life.

Someday, part of what's there will be mine and I am thankful it means something to me. Toree and I are really the only great-grandchildren who knew grandpa and grandpa and the love they had for everything they had built.

It saddens me that I was not able to spend more time with them. At the same time it reinforces the importance of spending time with the family you do have around you. You never know when they will be gone, along with their knowledge.

Dispensable...

Do you ever feel like you are dispensable? You have plans to do something with someone and they do something else, most often without thought of telling you. Most often because you "understand" and "it will be OK." And in those moments you ask yourself, "How important, if at all, was it to them?"

Why am I understanding, most often to the point of being walked on???

Keep Holding On

lyrics - Avril Lavigne Lyrics

There are experiences and moments in life when you learn about who you are, your direction in life and how valuable the people around you are. The gospel of Jesus Christ becomes a staple to keep you from crumbling when everything flashes before your eyes.

If your life ended right now, would you be satisfied with everything you have done? Would you be able to look God in the eyes and know you are without spot?

There are, and will be, times when you are so close to the edge you need to have those answers and they better be for the better because you don't know if you will come back. As you watch the people around you deal with the edge, you hope they too have the answers.

As friends, we look at those people who are dearest to us and desperately grab at them when you see them teeter over the edge. You want to make everything better for them, but you know you can't. Only they can make those decisions as the exercise their agency.

I believe those moments are the hardest when it is someone you love. You muster everything inside of you to be strong; and sometimes, you have to be strong for a long period of time. Then in private moments you melt to the floor and thank your Heavenly Father for extending His hand once more.

Everyone around you asks why you do it time after time, and you reply to them "Why not?" There are people that come into your life for a purpose. Most often, it is to make you and/or them stronger. But strength doesn't come without resistance.

So you say,
"You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in
Keep holding on"

My beautiful second family

Tara looked marvelous on the day of her wedding! They looked so happy and it was great to see the family again. Heather's children are growing like weeds and it seems like just yesterday her and Nash were getting married and they were just beginning their family.