Forgiveness Heals the Heart

"The invitation to repent is rarely a voice of chastisement but rather a loving appeal to turn around and to “re-turn” toward God. It is the beckoning of a loving Father and His Only Begotten Son to be more than we are, to reach up to a higher way of life, to change, and to feel the happiness of keeping the commandments. Being disciples of Christ, we rejoice in the blessing of repenting and the joy of being forgiven. They become part of us, shaping the way we think and feel."
-Neil L. Andersen

There are many things that bring sustaining and healing powers in our lives. One of the biggest things for me comes in a small package of two words: I'm sorry. It is amazing the redemptive power one feels when they let go of feelings of ought.

Pride is something I struggle with, and thankfully I am not alone in the boat. But I am learning line upon line, precept upon precept how to let it go and replace it with the humility I need in order to become a disciple of Christ. The idea of admitting you are wrong when you are right a lot of the time is a hard pill to swallow. But it is worth everything it takes.

Growing up, my life was no box of peaches. I dealt with a lot of physical, emotional, and mental abuse, not only personally but to those whom I love. It is a blessing I haven't turned out bitter, depressed, and a host of other things. I thank the Lord every day that I have been able to harness the power of the gospel to allow me to become strong in the midst of my trials.

But there was a part of me that still held on to some hard feelings ... I have known for a while that I needed to clear them out of my system and begin the healing process. But I never got around to it, or found an excuse not to.

The last few weeks of my life have been a struggle and one night I ended up at my friend's house with really no intention of being there. But I needed someone to talk to; someone who understood what I was dealing with; someone who maybe had some sage words for me. We talked for a while about various things and then he shared a very tender experience with me.

Death causes us to reflect on many things in our lives. Last week we lost my Uncle Marv suddenly. He was a great man and we always said he would work himself to death. But without warning, he was no longer there to talk to; No longer there to seek forgiveness if it was needed; No longer there to cheer us up with his quick whit.

My friend found himself in a similar situation. He had to go to his mother's grave. Being there, he sought not only her forgiveness of hard feelings and ought, but forgiveness from his Father in Heaven. His experience touched me and I knew I needed to take care of some things in my life. I didn't want to have to approach them at their grave. I wanted to clear the air and be able to move on.

That night I made up my mind I was going to go through with it this time ... It was a different feeling and I believe my Father in Heaven knew the intentions of my heart. He payed forward so many blessings.

I didn't get to talk to this person until two days later, but when I left their house it was as if I was walking on air. And I could see how much it meant to this person in their face. The burden of ought and hard feelings was no longer in my court. I felt so filled with Light. I felt as Alma the prophet did, " “Yea, I say unto you, … there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy” (Alma 36:21). Does it mean that I am not going to struggle? No. But it does open the door for future dialogue ... Someday ...

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught:
"Jesus taught us eternal truth when He taught us to pray: “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. … For, if ye forgive men their trespasses your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if ye forgive not … neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (3 Nephi 13:11, 14–15).

"Therefore, extending forgiveness is a precondition to receiving forgiveness.

"For our own good, we need the moral courage to forgive and to ask for forgiveness. Never is the soul nobler and more courageous than when we forgive. This includes forgiving ourselves."

And, oh, how human we are ...

A day later, it was as if I had forgotten what I had experienced. We had a softball game and I was struggling. The whole team was struggling. Then the center fielder from the other team throws a wild ball and nails one of the children in the dugout. We almost had a fight.

I did a stupid and opened my mouth ... My competitive side came out and I told this girl to go back to her hole to which she responded with the F-bomb ... At the end of the game, the ump asked us not to give 5s. So I didn't, while the rest of my team did. It sent me downhill and put me in a funk. I am still struggling with it. It is not fun when that side comes out and I don't like it at all.

I pray I will be able to move beyond it. I pray that I will learn to control my competitiveness. I pray this funk will go away.

Thankfully, I was blessed with wonderful experiences at the temple :) It was a good way to end the week. I am finding the more I seek to be a disciple of Christ, the easier it is to ask forgiveness and how much more I see the need to repent. I believe as our hearts are opened to God, we see how we need to repent in order to remain humble and have the Spirit we so desperately need in order to navigate this gauntlet we call life.

In Jeremiah we learn, “A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.” A fleshy heart can be molded and is more apt to change. A fleshy heart can be healed. A fleshy heart will give us the life-sustaining matters we need.

Forgiveness heals the heart <3

Past, Present, and Future

I have had a few interesting days. Yesterday I had some great learning moments with Saul, Johnathan, and David. The relationship these three had was not a perfect one, but it was one full of learning moments for all. Johnathan loved David as his own soul while Saul had nothing but fear and envy for David's success (1 Sam. 18). And David had nothing but love for both of them.

There were several attempts by Saul to take David's life; David had at least two opportunities to end being hunted by killing Saul; and yet David still honored Saul's position as King and the Lord's anointed. What made such love and forgiveness possible by David? What made Johnathan so loyal? When we are struggling in life, how is it that we cannot allow our past to determine our present and thereby our future?

This has been a point of rumination this past week as I have struggled to shove past experiences where they belong, in the past. The week came crashing down on me and I felt as if I were drowning in all that was going on. I swam and swam, I tried to save others in the process, but I still felt like I was drowning.

In particular was an experience I had with a boy ... We went out and had a good time and he said he would call, but I never heard from him. Granted, last week was a busy week for both of us. But I figured he would make time if he really wanted to. Nothing ... Then the thoughts came creeping in: "He is just like any other dirt bag you have been out with, or in a relationship with. He will abandon you like everyone else."

My life has not been filled with the greatest examples of the male species in the relationship department. I have every clinical reason to be depressed, messed up more than I am, etc. As a result I have built a hard shell and become a very independent person. Who needs a guy when I have been able to do it on my own all these years? I realized tonight in talking with a wonderful friend that I still have a guard wall. As much as I want to let someone in, "I" am still independent, "I" can take care of myself, and "I" am not going to let someone in who will just leave me.

In order to truly open our heart to the future, we must sever our ties with the past. This doesn't mean we need to forget where we came from, or the experiences that made us, but we do need to let it go so we can build a new future. There are many experiences that serve as a wonderful foundation, but the bricks with cracks and weaknesses need to be rooted out. If we are to build a sure foundation, it cannot have vulnerable stones.

Even my leadership is about "me" ... For so long "I" have had to do many things on my own, or "I" save them from failure. But this is a time of teaching for me and "I" need to learn to step back and share in lessons. Not everything can be saved, but we can learn from our mistakes in love. Seeing a more clear path in front of me has given me new direction, and hopefully a greater sense of love for those with whom I serve. We all have so much we can teach each other and "I" am grateful for this opportunity.

The future is bright. The future is as bright as we allow it to be. However, if it is marred from past experiences then we are fighting a battle against ourselves. Yes, it requires we open our hearts. Yes, that means they will probably get broken or at least experience some level of pain. Yes, opening our heart deems letting go of the past.

It is only through letting go of those things in our past that mar us that we will truly be able to grab hold of the future. I liken it to the Lesson in Marble:

When you look at a marble egg, what do you see? What makes it beautiful is not that it is free from imperfections. If it were clear and white, with no flaws, it would look plastic and artificial. The marble is beautiful because of the dark veins, not in spite of them. Our memories are past, but some will linger like the dark lines. However, as we keep our covenants and experience the sanctifying power of the Spirit, it is as if those dark lines are polished over time. And they actually become part of our beauty.

Our past has its marks of beauty; it also has its marks of not so much beauty. One day we too will be beautiful just like the polished marble. It won't be because of the dark and jagged memories, but because we are willing to let Christ and the Holy Ghost sanctify and polish them (The Continuous Atonement, p. 193-194).

While we may want to do things on our own, we won't be able to do an effective job. Pushing the Lord's extended hand aside is like telling him no thanks for His Atonement on our behalf. Accepting His sacrifice on my behalf means opening my heart, it means growing, it means stretching, it means forgiving, and most of all it means loving everyone regardless of the situation.

I think of one of my favorite songs as of late ... I have the video posted below, but here are the lyrics:

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my house guests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling gray. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream

Dream