Handwriting Unveiled

I found this paper tonight while searching for some other things. It was pretty interesting to read it and think back to when I did it.

At the time I was working as the Managing Editor and our Advertising Manager's father-in-law was a councilor. He had each of us draw up this paper with specific things on it and he took it home to have it "analyzed."

We had to draw a tree, a picture of ourselves, write and sign our name, pen the date, our favorite and least favorite colors, and write a sentence. For a man who had no clue who I was, he nailed me pretty well to the wall.

His comments:
Rules are good
Structure and security
Be nice and kind
Too sensitive, get feelings hurt easily
Changes for people, masks...
Happy go lucky, fun fun fun!
Classy: good taste
Good friend, loyal
Advice: Be yourself
No masks for anyone
Be real!

My thoughts:
Rules are good as much as I hate them most times.
I love structure and security because it is a more for sure thing for me.
The sensitivity part I have been working on. I usually try to hide it, and fail most of the time...
I do have a tendency to change for people. In a sense I've made myself a camillion so I can fit in with whoever I am with at that time. I blame it on journalism...
I do love to have fun!
I do consider myself as a person with class and good taste (as funky as some people may think it is)
I do have a loyalty problem... I sometimes let it overrun more important things in my life... :/

I laugh as I look back on writing it because I changed some things "to throw him off." Psh! Whatever...

Sometimes in our lives, the things we think we hide to best are most often the most transparent. People can see through us, while we fool ourselves in to thinking it's hidden. This is one of the reasons I love feedback.

I challenge you to share feedback with someone today. You will make a difference :)

You and I

We pass in dreams
Like two ships in the night
For a moment life is calm

It is just you and I

And the world seems to stop
Time pauses for us
In a delirious, delicate moment

It is just you and I

Our hands go together
Like they have been that way
Since the beginning of time

It is just you and I

I lean close to you
And you look at me that way
The way a man does a woman

It is just you and I

For a short time
We share in forbidden moments
Knowing we are meant to be together

It is just you and I

But you have only come to visit
And we pass so close in dreams
Yet continents apart

It is just you and I

Choices

Today things just seemed to pile up and I let things of small relevance encroach on things of more importance. I feel as if I have failed and what is worse, I feel I have failed the people who are on our committee.

I committed thinking things would work out one way, and then it all seemed to explode in my face... I want the tears to come, but they won't... I want to scream, but the sound will not come out... I just feel "here."

Satan is using these moments to poke doubt at me, but I know the path the Father has put before me and I plan to follow it. God will always let our faith and patience be tried, and I know this next little while will be hard. But I have faith things will work out.

On top of all of this is the indelible search, or lack there of. There is a person in my life who would literally cross oceans to be with me. This makes me wonder what I am doing wrong here, or why boys don't see in me what he sees in me.

As I run too and fro, I wonder if I am doing all the things I need to be doing in my life. I also ask myself if my life is too full of "things." Am I so focused in one direction that I miss what God has for me in another direction? Do I just need to keep going?

Just breath...

Harmony & Drop Balls

Today was a pretty crazy day. I thought it was going to be crappy because it started off with me getting up late, and then driving all the way to Idaho because I missed my turn.

One phone call, however, turned it all around. Kyle called and he told me I got accepted in to Gonzaga University! Wow! I was just relieved that it was all over with. I start in September so that is kind-of nervous.

The ribbon cutting went well. I've started to keep a better heads up for potential business opportunities. I think I may have found one today, but while on their Web site I was quite surprised... It was aweful for a PR firm! Holy cow... But they have some pretty big clients, so I've got to use my in while it's there.

Then I ran from Logan to Riverdale to do a proof session. It was quite fun, but the people were also nice so that is always a bonus. After that I came home to pursue some leeds and send out some resumes to do some freelance writing.

In between that, I ran out to my mom's house to do some yard work and then back to shower and go take pictures at a concert at Bella's . The concert was awesome! If you ever get the chance to see the Nashville Tribute Band, do it! They are great! I loved shooting pictures of them.

The blessing there was a contact with the manager and he's getting me in to a concert tomorrow to shoot some more photos. I'm not getting paid right now, but the experience is great and I have a feeling it will lead to other things for me :)

My day was pretty much shot with a crappy softball game. We lost 30-10... While I struggled with my pitching (I haven't pitched in two weeks), I only walked two. All the other runs were scored as a result of errors, and they were hitting whatever I threw at them... I was bad...

So, I sit here musing on the greatness of God and how wonderful he is to me. I know as we seek His guidance to be in the places we need to be in at the times we need to be, He will bless our lives.

So, I look forward to tomorrow with a perfect brightness of hope! Bring on the parade and the concert!

Palabras Amargas

The past few days have brought some bitterness into my life. Unfortunately, most of them have been with boys. As I look on these experiences I wonder why I want to be in a relationship at all.

My first experience came when someone said, "Oh, I'll just call one of my girls..." You what??? One of your girls? Elder Jeffery R. Holland in his book Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments said,

"In this matter of counterfeit intimacy and deceptive gratification I express particular caution to the men who hear this message. I have heard all my life that it is the young woman who has to assume the responsibility for controlling the limits of intimacy in courtship because a young man cannot. Seldom have I heard any point made about this subject that makes me more disappointed than that. What kind of man is he? What priesthood, or power, or strength, or self-control does this man have that lets him develop in society, grow to the age of mature accountability, perhaps even pursue a university education, and prepare to affect the future of colleges, kingdoms, and the course of the world. Yet he does not have the mental capacity or the moral will to say, "I will not do that thing." No, this sorry drug store psychology would have us say, 'I can't help myself. My glands have complete control over my life; my mind, my will, my entire future.'

"To say that a young woman in such a relationship has to bare her responsibility and that of the young man too is one of the most inappropriate suggestions I can imagine... I lay the burden squarely on the shoulders of the young man. For our purposes, probably a priesthood barer, and that's where I believe God intended responsibility to be. In saying that I do not excuse young women who exercise no restraint and have not the character or conviction to demand intimacy in its rightful role.

"Indeed, most tragically, it is the young woman who is most often the victim. It is the young woman who most often suffers the greatest pain. It is the young woman who most often feels used and abused and terribly unclean. And for that imposed uncleanliness the man, as well as the woman, will pay as surely as the sun sets and the rivers run to the sea."

I made a decision at that time that I never wanted to be one of anyone's "girls", and any girl who allows herself to be is stupid and needs to learn to love the girl in the glass; and any boy who has "girls" does not respect the office of his priesthood, nor himself. The temporary gratification is not worth the long term heartache.

"People who love each other will never endanger one another's happiness and safety in exchange for temporary personal pleasure... Never treat him or her as an object to be used for lustful desires" (True to the Faith, 29,32).

I had always heard people talk about it and I knew it was part of this person's life. But for some reason, those three words at that moment in time made me sick and it hit me like a ton of bricks. In that moment I took an introspective look and asked myself if I truly valued who I was.

Realizing that I knew my answer, I made a promise to myself that if I couldn't have all of the person I was dating, I didn't want any part of it. I am not a frivolous girl who can be used and then tossed aside. I am a daughter of God and I deserve to be treated as such and any man who cannot give me that doesn't deserve even the smallest part of me.

Boys who cannot control their carnal nature will pay the price. Jacob wrote,

"For behold, I, the Lord, have seen the sorrow, and heard the mourning of the daughters of my people in the land of Jerusalem, yea, and in all the lands of my people, because of the wickedness and ^aabominations of their ^bhusbands.

"And I will not suffer, saith the Lord of Hosts, that the cries of the fair daughters of this people, which I have led out of the land of Jerusalem, shall come up unto me against the men of my people, saith the Lord of Hosts" (Jacob 2:31-32).

Another young man is slowly destroying the character of a loved one because he cannot accept responsibility for his actions. Rather than taking responsibility for not wanting to commit to his relationship, he lies to his family and tells them it is her fault.

I want to pull out my claws and tear his eyes out, but I know this is not something I can do for her because she has made her decisions and will have to live with the consequences of them. But his lack of willingness to be accountable for his actions angers me, and I find myself surrounded with many like him.

My third example comes from a short encounter Sunday. A young man I have been cultivating for a few months asked if I would be home so he could return something, and I told him I wouldn't be. Then for some unknown reason I invited him over for dinner since he lives alone.

Rather than just saying, "No thank you" I got the haughty response of, "Don't count on it. I won't be there." WOW! I didn't ask him to marry me or meet the family... I was floored. Rejection at its finest...

I determined in that moment that all my cultivation efforts will cease and desist at that very moment. That put me over the top for male encounters for a good long while.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said, The priesthood "shall have a governing responsibility to provide for, to protect, to strengthen and shield the wife. Any man who belittles or abuses or terrorizes, or who rules in unrighteousness, will deserve and, I believe, receive the reprimand of a just God who is the Eternal Father of both His sons and daughters."

The hearts of God's daughters are not to be trifled with; we are not to be disrespected; and most certainly we are not second class citizens in the kingdom of God. No man who understands this important part of the gospel would treat a girl less. It is the boys who are still immature in the knowledge of how important women are who have "girls", who verbally demean them, and who cannot say kind things.

Is there a man out there who understands and respects his priesthood? And most importantly the daughters of God?

The Whirlwind and The Firehose

These past few days have been quite the trip. I must say that I was excited to come, but at the same time apprehensive because I am not a very good group traveler. I was also a little bummed the trip would be so short.

The trip, however, changed for me when I made the decision that I was in it for me and no one else. A little selfish, I know. But once I made that decision, it didn't matter that I wasn't included in groups. For three days, it became about me and my spiritual growth.

I have had some interesting experiences regarding personal revelation. As I have been prepared to be taught, the Lord has revealed things to me that had felt like a fire hose of personal revelation. Now, it wasn't anything big, but it was something small and simple for me.

God knew that in those moments, Brandy Lee needed to hear what was said. President David O. McKay said that as we are prepared, God will reveal things to us. He also talked about the importance of meditation. "Meditation is the language of the soul."

It is during those quiet moments that we can commune with ourselves and God, as well as contemplate the greatness of our calling. But if we have not prepared ourselves, those moments will not come. We will have deprived ourselves of a lesson, an opportunity to grow, or even a blessing.

The privilege to walk on hallowed ground these past few days has brought me to much reflection. I have been thinking not only about the events that transpired here, but my relationship with God, and also the wonderful things I am surrounded by daily.

The first day walking through the Sacred Grove I just took in the spirit of the place. I didn’t really have any expectations that something marvelous would happen. I just took in the peace and quiet.

While walking through the Grove, I looked around me and thought, “Was it here?” or “Maybe it was over here…” The path simply meanders around and there are benches that offer time for meditation.

For a few moments I had the opportunity to share the experience with a good friend of mine. We chatted a while and shared some experiences. Our lives have intertwined so much, even though it is difficult for me.

This trip has presented some struggles for me and also some great opportunities. I have had many times to chose how something is going to affect me. It has been a growing experience to not allow things to bother me. At the same time, it has been a growing experience to learn when to keep my mouth closed and let my heart be open so the spirit can teach me whatever it is that I am supposed to learn.

Contemplating upon the life of Joseph Smith, I recall many verses in the short history he wrote. He spent so much time in reflection and studying the word of God in order to find his answers. What a great example he is to us.

Often, I believe, we get mixed up in the tumult of the world. We allow things around us to keep us so busy and running to and fro. As we are running we don’t take the time to meditate and we miss being taught by the spirit.

President David O. McKay said, “Meditation is a principle of devotion… Meditation is the language of the soul. It is defined as a ‘form of private devotion, or spiritual exercise, consisting in deep, continued reflection on some religious theme.’ Meditation is a form of prayer…. Meditation is one of the most secret, most sacred doors through which we pass into the presence of the Lord.”

Those are some profound words. Do we think of meditation as a door to the presence of the Lord? Do we place our expectations on the Lord for blessings?

A sister missionary on one of the tours talked about patience and how often times we are so quick to want instant gratification. Joseph had to wait three years from the time of the First Vision to when he received further instruction from the angel Moroni.

Patience in the timing of the Lord is so critical. It is a faith building principle allowing us to grow and become far greater. I know things in my life will happen; it’s all just a matter of timing.

Walking through the Palmyra temple, tears came to my face as I looked at the sealing room. The building itself is so beautiful and that small room was just so magnificent. The spirit of knowing that one day, as I am obedient to the commandments of God, my day in that room will come.

That was another thing I learned from Joseph. The night Moroni first came to him, he was in supplication to the Lord asking what more he could do and seeking forgiveness of his sins. How often are we so humble as to kneel before the Lord seeking what more we can do in order to receive the answers we are seeking?

“Behold, there are many called, but few are chosen. And why are they not chosen?” (D&C 121:34).

We are not chosen because we are not ready. We have not spiritually prepared ourselves to receive the answers and the blessings that are ours.

“The rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.

“No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, be gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned.

“By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile” (D&C 121:36, 41-42).

Righteousness, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, love unfeigned, kindness, and pure knowledge will guide us to the answers and will help us endure with patience. None of these virtues are weaknesses. They are the building blocks of our testimony.

One day the answers will come, this I know. And I will be able to hear the words of Alma, “Can you imagine to yourselves that ye hear the voice of the Lord, saying unto you in that day: Come unto me ye blessed, for behold, your works have been the works of righteousness upon the face of the earth?

“For the names of the righteous shall be written in the book of life and unto them will I grant an inheritance at my right hand” (Alma 5:16, 58).

This has been a whirlwind trip that has opened the fire hose directed toward my face. There are many principles I have learned, many that have been strengthened, and time for reflection. What a wonderful opportunity it has been!