I have a dream

... No it's not a Dr. King dream... Well, maybe it is in my own little way. This building was built in 1903 as a school house and I have been in love with it since I saw it. I temporarily gave up the dream and bought my townhouse. But something about this place keeps coming back to me and I keep feeling prompted about it's potential.

The beauty about this building is that it has a half-and-half zoning. So, I could live upstairs and have my business downstairs. It also sits on a pretty good chunk of land where I could landscape for outdoor photographs and have a garden (yay!). It also has this fun little room on the back that would make a perfect dark room, with a porch for alternative processes.

I have this new thought about some alternative processes (well, for me it's new). It's so exciting to think about art and all its possibilities for breaking all kinds of rules. I never was a very good follower person... So, I need to figure out how I can start experimenting without making a permanent mess in this house. It all starts with buying new glass :/

The next fun thought I had was to start an arts program. The building is a hop, skip, and a jump from Quest Academy, and there isn't anything else out where I am. I have many fun thoughts from after school programs, to community art programs.

There is so much potential and now the challenge is to get to it before anyone else does, because chances are they would just tear it down which is what most people say I should do... But I love the building, even though it needs a little bit of love :/ If you would like to see more photos of its current state, check out my Facebook.

A sad heart...

There are words I wish I had to explain what is going on in my heart. Words I wish I had to explain what is going on in my mind. Perhaps I don't always say the right thing, or say it in the best way. But I am an imperfect being who is looking to be loved for my faults and my good things. I am an imperfect being who is looking to grow old and toward perfection with someone. My heart is sad tonight, but I look forward to the day when it will be happy again...

I'm pissed...

Do you ever feel like he's just not that into you?

"Many women have said to me, "Greg, men run the world." Wow. That makes us sound pretty capable. So tell me, why would you think we could be incapable of something as simple as picking up the phone and asking you out? You seem to think at times that we're "too shy" or we "just got out of something." Let me remind you: Men find it very satisfying to get what they want. (Particularly after a difficult day of running the world.) If we want you, we will find you. If you don't think you gave him enough time to notice you, take the time it took you to notice him and divide it by half...

"Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one. We know there was a sexual revolution. (We loved it.) We know women are capable of running governments, heading multinational corporations, and raising loving children — sometimes all at the same time. That, however, doesn't make men different.

"IT'S SO SIMPLE

"Imagine right now that I'm leaping up and down and shaking my fist at the sky. I'm on my knees pleading with you. I'm saying this in a loud voice: "Please, if you can trust one thing I say in this book, let it be this: When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you'd like us to be." I know it's an infuriating concept — that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he's just not that into you. (And we want you to believe you're one of the nine, ladies!) I can't say it loud enough: You, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out...

"People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love. Big movies are made about it, and every relationship you admire bursts with a greatness that you hope for in your own life. And the more you value yourself, the more chance you'll have of getting it... You're worth it... Don't waste the pretty!"

Can my day get any worse???

So, my day was totally chill until I got out of Parowan at 1:30 p.m. and realized I was supposed to be in Ogden at 2 p.m... I busted a move as fast as I could and made it home safely until I was on my way to the shoot (late) when I had a lovely service van promptly stop in front of me and no matter of space would have saved Gabby from uncertain doom... To miss the van I turned thinking I was out of trouble. That was until I hit another patch of ice which turned me down a small incline and into a rock embankment.

Thankfully I have wonderful friends in my life who came to my rescue, not to mention a handful of good Samaritans who stopped to offer their help. After pulling my car out of the embankment, I realized my front wheel is not in the right place (broken CV) and half of my bumper is gone and the plastic that keeps my engine compartment safe from the road is ripped off.

It was a sad sight and all I wanted to do was break down right there in the snow and cry. Why did this happen? Why now? All I needed was a hug from that certain someone in my life, but he was no where to be found...

So, on a night I needed just to be with someone I spent it grocery shopping with my mom. The more I thought about it the worse it became... I don't know why it bugs me so much, but seriously... Not a text, not a phone call, nothing...

To top off the night, I got a text telling me that I had an unpaid parking ticket (which I never did get...). Could things seriously get any worse??? I'm just looking for the happy ending.

Cowboys ride into sunsets
The good guy always gets the girl
Cinderella's just fit
The glass slipper that changed her world
We all know the stories
We all know the fairy tales
We all get the glory
Of making it for ourselves

Chorus:
From the beginning
We're all looking for a happy ending
Every dream of winning
Every love we've been in
Right from the beginning
We're looking for a happy ending

We come here with nothing
And take it with us the day we leave
The first and last breath don't matter
It's all the ones that are in between
It's the reason for living
It's the reason the caged bird sings
It's why we sit in the movies
All the way to the closing scene

From the beginning
We're all looking for a happy ending
Every dream of winning
Every love we've been in
Right from the beginning
We're looking for a happy ending

And for all the dreamers who have come and gone
Who have reached for the stars who have overcome
You're the hope, you're the wish, you're the truth
Baby here's the proof
Baby's born in the ghetto
Baby's born with a silver spoon
One tells his mama, "I'll have a dream."
One tells his mama, "I'll walk the moon."

From the beginning
We're all looking for a happy ending
Every dream of winning
Every love we've been in
Right from the beginning
We're looking for a happy ending

Thoughts on Christmas morning

It’s Christmas morning and I‘m awake at 6 a.m. I sit here thinking about the events that have been happening in the last few weeks of my life. Some of them are happy and some of them are sad.

About a week ago I had a former co-worker commit suicide. He was one of the happiest people I knew and always had such a positive outlook on life. There was really no rhyme or reason.

When I got a phone call telling me, I broke down and cried. I couldn’t understand… I cried like I haven’t cried in a long time. My heart was broken. I am grateful to a friend of mine who followed the spirit and just came over. It was a hug that I needed and I just sobbed until I fell asleep.

I’m not exactly sure why it tore me up. But in talking to my mom she quoted a line from a the hymn “Lord, I Would Follow Thee.” Sometimes there is “Sorrow that the eyes can’t see.” We don’t understand and we won’t understand in this life. All we know it that there was something that was bigger than they were and their pain was greater than their ability to cope.

On the flip side of that sadness, there have been some happy events. I finished my first semester of graduate school with a 4.0. I have learned a lot from my classes, much of wish I had known previously in my life. But I have to keep reminding myself that there is a time and a season for everything.

I am looking forward to the upcoming semesters and all that I have to learn and to share. It’s a funny thing, because I’m not exactly sure what I am going to do with it. There are some things that are pulling me different ways, but I guess we’ll see what the Lord has in store for me down the road.

One of the more recent developments in my life has pulled a lot of attention. It makes me laugh really. But I have been dating someone and he is amazing. I don’t know how to put it in to words really.

From the first time we met, it was like an instant connection. It’s not really something I can put words to. On our first date we sat and talked at the restaurant until 11 p.m. I have to admit that the way he would look at me made me really uncomfortable at first, mostly because I wasn’t used to it.

I thought maybe it was something to do with a first date, because I have had some “good” first dates that go now where. But he asked me out again, and again, and again. Sometimes I ask myself if this is all real. It’s exciting and scary all at the same time.

This whole two-sided relationship thing is fairly new to me. I’m having to learn to trust, to open my heart, and to share all over again. He is a patient man and will just sit and listen to me sometimes, and I’ll do the same for him. I just have to watch myself so I don’t do what I have conveniently done in the past: sabotage.

I have watched my mom go through four marriages. She has finally found herself a good one on the fourth go-around. I know that I only get one shot at what I really want, and I don’t want to make the wrong decision… I think I already have an answer, but I also have a lot of noise going on around me, which makes it hard. I’m just trying to make sense of everything and enjoy the time I have to learn.

In my scripture study I have been looking up scriptures about love. The Topical Guide has almost two pages of scripture references to the word love. I am not exactly sure what I was looking for, but one of the resounding themes I have found is that as we love God with everything we have, we will be able to open our hearts and love others with that same love.

This love will allow us to see people around us as God sees his children, which will make it easier to love those who hate us. At this time there is someone who I don’t particularly have much Christlike love for and it’s easy to get upset and be mad at how she treats the people I love. Sitting here, I realize that I am the only one with power over how I feel. She goes on in life and doesn’t realize how frustrated she makes the rest of us…

In Deuteronomy 30 we learn that scattered Israel will be gathered in as they remember their covenant with God. We are taught that as we love, we will live, “The Lord they God will circumcise thine heart, and the heart of thy seed, to love the Lord thy god with all thine heart, and with all thine soul, that thou mayest live… thou shalt return and obey the voice of the Lord, and do all his commandments… the Lord thy God will make thee plenteous in every work of thine hand, in the fruit of thy body… That thou mayest love the Lord thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him: for he is thy life and the length of thy days…”

I love my Heavenly Father. I love my older brother Jesus Christ. I love the Gospel. They have opened my eyes to “see” and they have helped to not only open, but to heal my wounded heart. Now, I want to make sure I don’t mis-step in loving someone else for the wrong reason.

Like my mother, I want to help everyone. I want to make things better for them. But I know if you build a relationship on that it will only end in unhappiness… I have seen it, and I have experienced it. My family and certain people around me know how I am and have all let me know it. Which only adds to the noise in my head…

All I know is how I feel and that he is still there even after I open parts of myself to him. Mary, mother of Jesus, taught me an important lesson. When she learned she was with child, she pondered the things in her heart. For now, perhaps I need to stop talking and thinking so much and just ponder. It is in the quiet moments that my Heavenly Father is able to tutor me and give me the peace I need in my life.

So, as I prepare to celebrate with my family on a white Christmas day in St. George, I will take more time to listen and to ponder. I will take time to enjoy my family and the spirit I feel in my life, and how happy he makes me daily.

Unbelievable

The music is all around us

There is so much going on in life. How often to we take time to just sit and take it all in? How often do we just sit, enjoy the company we're with, and take in the sounds around us?

Oftentimes our lives get so busy that we lose the music that is all around us. I have been grateful in the last little while to get some things off my plate and focus on the things that are really important in my life. Heavenly Father has really blessed me with an overabundance of love and peace. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and ask myself what I did to deserve everything He has given me.

Daughter of a King

Do you Wonder if He Knows who you are?
Do you Wonder if He Knows
the Secret pleadings of your heart?
He has numbered every sand of the sea
and He longs for you to know that he believes in you

Can you feel a quiet power from above?
Can you feel his strength surround you
When your own is not enough?
He has blessed you whith His spirit
from on high
And He longs for you to know it lives inside
Of you
Oh be true

Daughter of a King
the Fathers Royalty
Heir to His Divinity
He's Calling your name
to came and take your Place
Before His Throne
He has always Known
What He created you to be
A Daughter of a King

I was working out this morning when this song came on my iPod. It was amazing! I thought about the words in the song and how valuable each of us are in His sight. Then I looked around at all the women in the gym and the magazines on the counter tops. It is so sad that many don't understand they are of noble birthright.

Satan tricks us and tells us that we need to become something that isn't obtainable. So many of the photos today aren't even reality. They have been manipulated to the point that what is seen in the magazine isn't even what the model looks like.

While I know that that is not obtainable for me, I know that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me and I love him. I know that I can obtain glory beyond measure one day if I live righteously and do all that He asks of me to do. I know that one day I will be a queen.

Thoughts at 1:30 a.m.

So much has been going through my head in the last week. Life always seems to hit me from all sides at once, not a little at a time. I need a day at the spa. That's good stuff right there :D

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. My second class is coming to a close and I am not sure that I am understanding what I am supposed to, but then again because of my lack of interest I have not put much time in to it. At the same time I have had many distractions come during this class and I have poorly managed my time in order to dedicate time to my studies. I feel like somewhat of a failure...

Three wonderful people have come in to my life in the last several months. Two of them had so many qualities that were awesome, but there was just something missing. The third one, however, has me feeling somewhat different. It has been so long since someone has genuinely looked at me, and really wanted to get to know me for who I am.

When I catch him looking at me I feel somewhat uncomfortable because I'm not used to us. But at the same time I feel so comfortable around him and feel that I can be who I really am (which is how it should be, shouldn't it?). We talk for hours without realizing how fast the time passes and it's like we can talk about anything and everything. I can have a conversation with him about almost anything, and he always has something to add to it.

At the same time, I have not been the most open person and he let me know it tonight when he left my house... "I would like to get to know more about you..." Bah! I don't do the best when it comes to talking about me, but I can listen forever to someone else while they spill their guts to me. Is that selfish to listen, but not to talk? I mean, I do talk, I just don't really open up about myself as much as they do about themselves...

8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are ^adesirous to come into the ^bfold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

9 Yea, and are ^awilling to mourn with those that ^bmourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as ^cwitnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the ^dfirst resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

10 Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being ^abaptized in the ^bname of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a ^ccovenant with him, that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?

This scripture came to have a new meaning to me as I listened to the Sacramental Prayer this last week:

"O God, the Eternal Father, we ask thee in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and ^asanctify this ^bbread to the souls of all those who partake of it; that they may eat in ^cremembrance of the body of thy Son, and witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they are willing to take upon them the ^dname of thy Son, and always remember him, and keep his commandments which he hath given them, that they may always have his ^eSpirit to be with them. Amen."

What amazing promises we make, and also what amazing blessings come because we choose to be obedient! However, obedience does not involve selfishness. I think I am going to read through "A Heart Like His" again and study it a little more diligently this time. I am in need of some more heart opening and would love to be worthy of the spirit I felt not only on Sunday, but what I have felt this week, 24/7. How amazing that would be, but sometimes the flesh is weak. However, I know that the Lord will strengthen me and help me become equal to whatever task may be presented to me.