Love Deep : Hurt Deep

"What is it about love that makes us so stupid??"

~Francis

It's 1 a.m. I stare at the screen. There are so many things I want to say. But all I do is sound like a whiny little girl and say things that are hurting you. 

All I really want to say is, "I love you" and to hear it back.



But I'm afraid. I don't want to push. It fell apart for a reason.

At least that is what I tell myself. It's supposed to help me feel better, right? All the pain and emptiness will dissipate when I understand that is how it is.


My dear friend once told me, "Because you love deep, you hurt deep." It is one of the 10 things I know about life. A writing topic I am not sure I can adequately express. But I have been thinking about it for more than a week and I must write it out, whether it's well done or not. 


Last night my former bishop came over and we were talking about life. I talked to him about everything except "him". But then he asked. He always knows what to ask.


I fought back the tears as I told him it had fallen apart. It was the first time I allowed myself to really feel any emotion over it. I really just wanted all the pain to flood out of my eyes and be done with it. But I am not so sure it is that easy.


Special people who come into our lives are not a dime a dozen. They are a treasure to be cherished and safe-guarded. Perhaps I was frivolous with my gift.


In my short years on this planet, I have never loved so deep and been so sure about someone being in my future. Even though he is not technically a part of my life, I think about him every day. I pray for him. He is the first person I want to tell about anything that goes on in my life. 


I think to one of my favorite contemporary authors in college. In the book The Notebook there is an exchange I identify with:

Young Noah: You're bored Allie. You're bored and you know it. You wouldn't be here if there wasn't something missing.
Young Allie: You arrogant son of a bitch.
Young Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Young Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'
Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Young Allie: So what?
Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.
Young Allie: What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.
Young Noah: Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?
Young Allie: It's not that simple.
Young Noah: What... do... you... want? Whaddaya want?
Young Allie: I have to go now.

I know what I want. But it isn't my choice. Not entirely anyway. But it doesn't matter in the end. You have ruined me. I will never be the same. And I don't want to be the same. I just want to be with you and to love you. In the end, I want to keep loving you deeply.

You are worth the fight and sacrifice. You are my media naranja.

I Have a Thing For The Underdog

When I see something unjust, I have to intervene - it's hard for me to watch the underdog suffer.
~Kristen Bell

I am not really sure where my passion for the underdog came from, but I constantly find myself cheering for them and doing what I can to help them. This has turned out to be especially true in my job where I am working with youth who seem to have lost sight of their Northern Star. When everyone says they will not make it, there is something inside of me that digs to see what the Maker sees in these students. Often I will see there is a glimmer, a spark that they can be something great.

This summer I worked with two students to finish their diploma. Granted, I was only on the back end of their journey. But one of them I had almost given up on when I learned who he was and how much he struggled. But I saw him climb and scramble to get to the top. Then something sparked to open a path for him. Every day he completed something I cheered even louder for him in my heart.

People around him said he would not finish. He would be another addition to Adult Education where he would become a statistic of high school drop-outs and no diploma or GED. The more they said he would not make it, the louder I cheered for him to make it. And he proved the naysayers wrong.

When he came in to get his diploma, there was a road block. A person who was working with him could not believe he had done it. They wanted him to wait a week. I begged her to find a way that we could give it to him that day. She finally relented and I almost cried when I handed him that black leather binder with a precious piece of paper in it. He didn't even want to take it out of the plastic sack so he could protect it.

He's the first in his family to get a high school diploma.


"Some of us will do our jobs well and some will not, but we will all be judged by only one thing - the result."
~ Vince Lombardi


In a sense I think we are all underdogs. Spiritually speaking, we are going up against a master deceiver with 6,000 years of experience. The world we live in seems to thrive on the sorrows and downfall of other people. We have become such a pessimistic people.

President Thomas S. Monson shared this story a number of years ago in his article The Doorway to Love:

A number of years ago Morgan High School played Millard High for the Utah state football championship. From his wheelchair, to which he was confined, Morgan coach Jan Smith said to his team: “This is the most important game of your lives. You lose, and you will regret it forever. You win, and you will remember it forever. Make every play as though it were all-important.”

Behind the door, his wife, to whom he tenderly referred as his chief assistant, overheard her husband say: “I love you guys. I don’t care about the ball game. I love you and want the game victory for you.” Underdog Morgan High won the football game and the state championship.

True love is a reflection of Christ’s love. In December of each year we call it the Christmas spirit. You can hear it. You can see it. You can feel it. But never alone.

I pray each day that Heavenly Father will help me see people as He sees them. Admittedly, I am not perfect. But I am working on it. We can always use more optimism and love in this world.

Perhaps this is the heartbreak of the Gospel and being a teacher. Ofttimes you see something great about a person, but they refuse to do anything with it. You want so much the great blessings in store for them, but it doesn't matter until they want to do something with it. It has to be their decision. That is the heartbreak of free-agency.

But we have to be careful to be so sensitive because not everything happens in our time. We may have been together with a person and shared some wonderful experiences, then something happens and the switch turns off. That doesn't mean we stop loving them, or praying for them.

I share this because of an experience I had yesterday. Just before going into my test I checked my e-mail and had a friend request from a young man I taught when I was serving a mission in Chile. He was a bright-eyed young man who was loveable among his peers. We shared some special moments together and I knew he would be a great member of the Church.

He accepted the gospel, but a few weeks after his baptism something happened. He stopped coming to church and ran away. My heart broke in that moment and I prayed that he would find his way back to the gospel. I didn't know how to contact him and subsequently have not talked to him in nearly seven years.

But when I came to the realization that the request was from who I thought it was from, all I could do was smile and give thanks. His grandmother always told us that we had made a mistake to baptize him. He was flippant, lazy and never make it, according to her. But the Big Man upstairs knew different and I could feel it.

Last night I got to talk to him and he just got home from his mission to Argentina three weeks ago! He told me it took him about 1.5 years to make the decision and start going to church again. But he has not regretted the decision, but he always wanted to talk to the missionaries who taught him and thank them. It was such a wonderful moment last night.

Even though we are on different sides of the world, I still felt like I was back in the living room at his grandmother's home. She is a wonderful woman. I am grateful for the light of the gospel and knowing that while it doesn't happen in the time we want, the right things do happen in God's time.

We are all an underdog in some sense. But if we will open our heart, we have the biggest cheerleader who is our Heavenly Father. And often if we will look up there are many more around us who are there to give support and help us up off our knees when we have fallen.

Maybe it is my gift. Maybe that is the reason I became a teacher. I don't really understand it all right now, but I know I have a special place in my heart for the underdog.  

Keep the Light On

Peter

A few weeks ago I stood and gave a lesson in Gospel Doctrine entitled "To This End I Was Born". The lesson itself focused on the last day of the life of Christ. It also talked about Peter, his zealous testimony, the prophesy of his denial, and what he went through when the prophesy was realized.

While I was preparing the lesson that morning I was called, I felt a particular pull to the story of Peter. I am not sure why, but today I believe I understand. We talked about many things in the class, but most of all we talked about dedication, testimony, and staying firm in the gospel.

In Matthew 26:31-35 we read:
Then saith Jesus unto them, All ye shall be ^aoffended because of me this night: for it is written, I will ^bsmite the ^cshepherd, and the sheep of the flock shall be scattered abroad.

But after I am ^arisen again, I will go before you into Galilee.

Peter answered and said unto him, Though all men shall be offended because of thee, yet will I never be ^aoffended.

Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, That this night, before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice.

Peter said unto him, Though I should die with thee, yet will I not deny thee. Likewise also said all the disciples.

I love the zeal of Peter's testimony! He states he is willing to die with the Savior. All this while, he was walked with Christ, preached of Christ, and witnessed the miracles of Christ. How could he deny the Master? In that moment his love for the Savior would out-power all, even the denial or being offended to know Christ.

And Peter did stand strong. In John 18:10 we read:

Then Simon Peter having a sword drew it, and smote the high priest’s servant, and ^acut off his right ear. The servant’s name was ^bMalchus.

In that moment ...

Jesus chides Peter, heals the servant, then allows himself to be taken. I often think about the powerful lesson He teaches here. Standing strong in our testimony of Christ, or defending him, is not about violence. It's about love. It's about healing the wounded soul. It's about giving Living Water to the thirsty traveler.

In this teaching moment, Jesus said, "Thinkest thou I cannot now pray to my Father, and he shall presently give me more than twelve legions of angels?" The Bible Dictionary tells us that a legion in the Roman army consists of about 6,000 men and a contingent of cavalry. That would be an impressive sight, 72,000 angels and an impressive contingent to save Him. 

Where were you? Would you have been on the front lines? What if these men who were abusing Jesus in the last hours of His life had seen your face through the veil? Would they see your testimony burning bright?

But again, this is the love of God being manifest. In the beginning Christ said, "Here am I, send me" (Abr. 3:27), and he is still the volunteer today. He drank of the bitter cup for you and I, for the co-worker you can't stand, for the criminal in jail, for the mother who just lost her child, for the teenager who is struggling with life itself. He loved us enough, in fact more than we will ever comprehend perhaps.

Do we love Him? How will we show our love for our Brother who made the sacrifice that you and I might live again in the presence of God?

When Christ was taken, most of his disciples "forsook him, and fled." But not Peter and John. They followed him. We read further in Matthew 26:69-75:

Now Peter sat without in the palace: and a ^adamsel came unto him, saying, Thou also wast with Jesus of Galilee.

But he denied before them all, saying, I know not what thou sayest.

And when he was gone out into the porch, another maid saw him, and said unto them that were there, This fellow was also with Jesus of Nazareth.

And again he denied with an oath, I do not know the man.

And after a while came unto him they that stood by, and said to Peter, Surely thou also art one of them; for thy speech ^abewrayeth thee.

Then began he to curse and to swear, saying, I know not the man. And immediately the ^acock crew.

And Peter remembered the word of Jesus, which said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt ^adeny me thrice. And he went out, and wept bitterly.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said:

“My heart goes out to Peter. So many of us are so much like him. We pledge our loyalty; we affirm our determination to be of good courage; we declare, sometimes even publicly, that come what may we will do the right thing, that we will stand for the right cause, that we will be true to ourselves and to others.

“Then the pressures begin to build. Sometimes these are social pressures. Sometimes they are personal appetites. Sometimes they are false ambitions. There is a weakening of the will. There is a softening of discipline. There is capitulation. And then there is remorse, followed by self-accusation and bitter tears of regret. …

“… If there be those throughout the Church who by word or act have denied the faith, I pray that you may draw comfort and resolution from the example of Peter, who, though he had walked daily with Jesus, in an hour of extremity momentarily denied the Lord and also the testimony which he carried in his own heart. But he rose above this and became a mighty defender and a powerful advocate. So, too, there is a way for any person to turn about and add his or her strength and faith to the strength and faith of others in building the kingdom of God” (“And Peter Went Out and Wept Bitterly,” Ensign, Mar. 1995, 2–4, 6).

Perhaps we, like Peter, are powerful, determined, and devoted. However, we also have a tendency to overestimate our ability to resist temptations. Through our many experiences in life, we vow we will never commit that sin again, we will never fall away from the Church, with tears in our eyes we declare our testimony, like Peter, that we will always stand firm.

This lesson is finely illustrated in Alma 39. Alma speaks to his rebellious and immoral missionary son. He chides him for not hearkening to the counsel like his brothers had done. He states, "Now this is what I have against thee; thou didst go unto boasting in thy strength and wisdom" (Alma 39:4, emphasis added).

We like Alma's son may say: Just this once won't hurt, I am strong enough, It's never happened before, and many other like statements. But Brother Ted L. Gibbons reminds us, "We are not nearly as strong and smart as we thing we are, and we are waging war against a being of frightening intellect who has been perfecting his craft for 6,000 years. We are not sufficiently bright and tough to take him on. Our safety is not in our own power and wisdom, but in our obedience. 

So, we messed up. Now what? Do we give up and walk away? Or do we remember the words of President Hinckley who said Peter "rose above this and became a mighty defender and a powerful advocate. So, too, there is a way for any person to turn about and add his or her strength and faith to the strength and faith of others in building the kingdom of God."

Brad Wilcox, a former Mission President in the Santiago East Mission, writes in his book The Continuous Atonement, "Repenting and remaking broken covenants allows us to feel a deep sense of gratitude to the Lord. In those moments of struggle, our needs are accentuated. When we experience our own Gethsemanes, we truly begin to value Christ's. When we recognize our own weakness, we stand in awe of his strength."

He then goes on to tell a story, A Lesson in Marble. A missionary called him, his words filled with emotion, and said he needed to speak with him. This young man was a leader, a happy missionary who loved to share the gospel. An appointment was set.

When he arrived, he said, "I made a big mistake."

Right then President Wilcox's mind he started to go through all the possible scenario's. He imagined every possible thing that could affect this Elder's upcoming honorable release.

"I read The Miracle of Forgiveness," he said.

President Wilcox laughed. "Reading the words of President Kimball is far from being a mistake."

"But I now realize that there are things I did when I was younger that I should have confessed and never did. There were times when things went a little farther than what I actually told my bishop."

President Wilcox listened. Nothing was so grievous that it would have affected his worthiness to serve a mission or enter the temple. But those past sins were affecting him and his feelings of worthiness. They needed to be confessed. 

He said, "When I was younger I guess I just thought that these sins weren't all that big a deal, but the closer I get to the Lord, the worse I feel about them."

President Wilcox explained that what he was feeling was a very normal and natural step in his spiritual maturity - one through which we all pass. His repentance and full confession were healthy indicators that he was indeed drawing closer to God and the Savior.

"But President, I look back and see so many flaws. I remember all I have done and feel so ashamed and hypocritical. I know Jesus takes the sins away, but it is the memory of them that bothers me."

President Wilcox then remembered something he had heard years earlier and retrieved a small marble egg from the shelf. He said, "Look at the marble. Isn't it beautiful?"

The elder nodded in agreement.

"What makes it beautiful is not that it is free from imperfections. If it were clear and white, with no flaws, it would look plastic and artificial. The marble is beautiful and useful because of the dark veins, not in spite of them. When we repent, our sins are gone, but the memories linger, just like these dark lines. However, as we keep our covenants and experience the sanctifying influence of the Spirit, it is as if those dark lines are polished over time. They actually become part of our beauty."

Nephi was not beautiful and useful to God just because he would "go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded" (Nephi 3:7), but because he could remember being a "wretched man" easily beset with "temptations and ... sins" (2 Nephi 4:17-18). Alma was not beautiful and useful to Christ just because of his diligence in preaching repentance unto others (see Alma 4:19-20; 8:15-16; 13:21, 27), but because he could remember needing repentance himself (see Mosiah 27:2-19; Alma 36:11-17).

Through the Atonement our flaws will become part of our beauty. But we have to be willing to hand over our sins, our wills, our lives, everything we have, to Him. Because indeed, those are the only things we have that are not His.

We have a choice. The road to discipleship is not an easy or comfortable road as Elder Neal A. Maxwell reminds us. To stay on the path we must be obedient and nourish our seeds of faith and testimony. We will not become a powerful Peter overnight, but through our diligence and obedience, giving head to the commandments of God we will become powerful like Peter "in the strength of the Lord." 

Whatever it is today that is hindering you, let it go. Pray for understanding. Seek for truth in the scriptures. Attend your meetings with diligence and a determination to learn something. Seek the counsel of your leaders. They have been called and set apart to bless your life and will help to keep you from the treacherous paths.

May you remember how much you are loved.

10 Things I Know To Be True

Sarah Kay started her TED speech with this spoken word poem that touched me and led me to write this post:

If I should have a daughter, instead of Mom, she's gonna call me Point B, because that way she knows that no matter what happens, at least she can always find her way to me. And I'm going to paint solar systems on the backs of her hands, so she has to learn the entire universe before she can say, "Oh, I know that like the back of my hand." And she's going to learn that this life will hit you hard in the face, wait for you to get back up just so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. There is hurt here that cannot be fixed by Band-Aids or poetry. So the first time she realizes that Wonder Woman isn't coming, I'll make sure she knows she doesn't have to wear the cape all by herself. Because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me, I've tried. "And, baby," I'll tell her, don't keep your nose up in the air like that. I know that trick; I've done it a million times. You're just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house, so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else find the boy who lit the fire in the first place, to see if you can change him." But I know she will anyway, so instead I'll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boots nearby, because there is no heartbreak that chocolate can't fix. Okay, there's a few heartbreaks that chocolate can't fix. But that's what the rain boots are for. Because rain will wash away everything, if you let it. I want her to look at the world through the underside of a glass-bottom boat, to look through a microscope at the galaxies that exist on the pinpoint of a human mind, because that's the way my mom taught me. That there'll be days like this. There'll be days like this, my momma said. When you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises; when you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you want to save are the ones standing on your cape; when your boots will fill with rain, and you'll be up to your knees in disappointment. And those are the very days you have all the more reason to say thank you. Because there's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it's swept away. You will put the wind in winsome, lose some. You will put the star in starting over, and over. And no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute, be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life. And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting, I am pretty damn naive. But I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily, but don't be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it. "Baby," I'll tell her, "remember, your momma is a worrier, and your poppa is a warrior, and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more." Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things. And always apologize when you've done something wrong. But don't you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining. Your voice is small, but don't ever stop singing. And when they finally hand you heartache, when they slip war and hatred under your door and offer you handouts on street-corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.


I listened to Sarah Kay for the first time yesterday. She shares profound thoughts in this address at TED as well as some of her spoken word poetry. It touched my writer's soul and looking back, I haven't written much.

In this address she talks about a method she uses to get her student's creative juices flowing. I thought about it and this is where my next posts will come from. The writing prompt is: 10 Things I Know To Be True.

I invite you to take the same journey. Write about something you know to be true. In reading the biography of Pres. Thomas S. Monson I am coming to realize the importance of the written word. What powerful memories he has. Kay shares that writing poetry is how she figures things out and I feel a kinship with her because I write to figure things out as well.

So, here is my list (not in any particular order):
- I love softball
- Teaching wields a special power for change and I love to learn
- Because you love deep, you hurt deep too.
- The gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored in its fulness today, and is lead by prophets
- Photography is the power to capture
- I am afraid of heights
- God loves me and I am His daughter
- I am fascinated by God's paintbrush called Nature
- Everyone can communicate in some way, and everyone has stories we can learn from
- I am grateful for my family and friends


This world is made of sugar. It can crumble so easily, but don't be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it.

Butterflies

I remember as a little girl in elementary school there were a few times of the year we looked forward to in being able to go outside. One was during the Monarch butterfly migration. There would be hundreds, if not thousands, everywhere. We would chase them, capture them, and sometimes accidentally maim them in our excitement.

What fascinating creatures. Born a seemingly ordinary caterpillar, destined to become a beautiful flying creature. Touch their wings and the magic that was a butterfly was gone.

I have always been in love with butterflies. They are not only a beautiful metaphor for life, but unique and varying all in their own ways. They feed, they pollinate, they beautify. An interesting creature in its own right.

Tonight I think about them in regards to their journeys. Often they are long, hard, and many don't survive. Sometimes, I believe those we love are the same.

My grandmother once shared with me this simple statement when I was struggling with a broken heart, "Sometimes people are like butterflies and need to go out on a journey. If they come back to you, it means they are meant to be yours. If they don't, you need to move on."

In our lives there are very few that come back. For whatever reason, they were ours for a moment in time and then they are gone. We can't explain it; we often don't understand; and maybe it's better that way.

Throughout my life, there have been many different kinds of butterflies that have come and gone. Looking back, I am glad many of them have gone on to their new adventures because as much as I justified wanting them to be with me, it was better they weren't.

 

Butterflies are an interesting group. They start their lives as a caterpillar. Oftentimes those caterpillars are attractive, but they pose a danger: they are poisonous. Before they get a chance to become what they really are, they defend themselves by poisoning those who just want to love and admire them. All this does is leave a bad taste in the mouths of those who just want to admire and be with them.

Many other butterflies have a defense mechanism where they are able to blend in with the foliage they feed on and fertilize. They go relatively unnoticed and they like it that way. But for many they will miss out on the beautiful opportunity to become acquainted with the creature.

Now, the purpose of this post was not to talk about all the metaphors I could put together about people and butterflies. It was to talk about that feeling you get when that special person comes in to your life and you feel that rush of excitement and you're trying to capture such a fascinating moment / feeling. There are few times I have really felt it. In fact, I am pretty sure I can count it on one hand (I can probably name the people).

That same fascination I felt with capturing butterflies, I feel in capturing the moment between two people that moves you inside. It is not an every day feeling. Someone once said, "Love isn't about the 'I love you's' or 'I miss you's'. Love is about the butterflies you get when you think of him. It’s the chills that run up and down your spine whenever you see him and its the pain that hits every inch of your body when he walks away ..."

I have honestly been chewing on and writing this post for months. Longer than months really. Recently my experience with this has been an interesting transformation. A friend once wrote me a note and said I was the butterfly waiting to come out of the cocoon. In fact, I still have the purple butterfly she gave me in my rough, sculptured hands. 

In my life I have never wanted to be the stinging caterpillar, or the butterfly who blends in to go unnoticed. I have wanted to be the beautiful creature God intended me to be. But there are some set-backs and some tough journeys. Often when we are in a caterpillar state, we look at what is going on around us and only see the end of the world. When the fact-of-the-matter is, the Master is in the process of creating a butterfly. 

The journey is long and tough; the butterflies will not always be there; there will be moments when we need to help and lift each other to new heights; and the end result will not always be what we want it to be. But those who do survive, beautify this world by adding to it. The love between two people is something unique, but it takes hard work.

Listening to Elder and Sister Holland today, he was talking about how after 48 years he is still madly in love with her. I know that feeling does not come over night. They have had there fair share of trials they have strengthened their wings. But what a gift to be more in love 48 years later. 

It's the kind of love that comes from support, a shared vision, and overcoming obstacles. We must not crush the delicate creature in our excitement. Sometimes that is what brings the untimely demise: smothering, lack of knowledge, etc. 

Then I think of the power of a butterfly. They say it can affect climate change on the other side of the world. Our love. Finding that person who we share that feeling with. We too can affect change in the world. Elder Bruce R. McConkie said celestial marriage is the crowning jewel of the Gospel. These covenants give us the power to bring souls to the earth, to solidify and strengthen families, and fight the battle against Satan. 

In all, we must be delicate. We must give the butterflies in our life the space they need to figure out the world around them. Like my grandmother said, "If they come back, it's because they are yours." Because if we chase, grab at, and harm the butterfly, it will not only stay away, but it could very well die. 

But just like the butterfly, I will awake in my own time to a new perspective and perhaps understanding the trials and difficulty of transformation weren't so bad at all.

Love and Loss

ROY - A Roy teenager was in critical but stable condition Friday, the day after he was accidentally shot.

Roy police Sgt. Shawn O’Malley said the 15-year-old boy suffered a gunshot wound in the face Thursday afternoon in a residence near 4050 West and 5700 South.

The boy was rushed to McKay-Dee Hospital in Ogden and then flown to Primary Children’s Medical Center in Salt Lake City, where he was expected to survive.

O’Malley confirmed that the shooting appeared to have been an accident. However, noting that the circumstances of the shooting remained under investigation, O’Malley would not identity the victim. Neither would he say whether the shot was fired by the boy or someone else, or say what kind of firearm was involved.

The last year of my life has been full of love and loss. There are four people I know who have departed from this life, a few of them unexpected. Along the way, death has never really bothered me. I have always accepted it as part of The Plan. 

But today is different ...

Something has attached to me and it will not let go. Damien has not passed from this life (as far as I know), but he came close. In a moment of teenage stupidity a gun fired and demolished his face.

The tragedy of a life so young.


Perhaps I never really understood how much teachers care about their students (even the ornery teachers). These youngsters come into your life and teach you many valuable lessons. Hopefully somewhere along the way, we as teachers teach them something too.

Each semester I experience loss. Sometimes it is a joyful goodbye and sometimes I wish they would stay a little longer. But no matter who it is, there is something to be learned from each student.

The other day one of my seniors asked if I was going to be at yearbook signing. He is the last person I would have expected. In fact I kicked him out of my class his junior year. He and his mom begged to get him back in, along with some other interesting strain of events.

I hope for good things from him.

The end of the school year brings another kind of loss. Many will move on and never look back, others will live in high school for a few more years, and still others will eventually find their way back into the halls that changed their lives in some type of career. Each group brings a new dynamic and each time we, as teachers, experience a kind of loss as the students take a part of us, knowingly or not, out into the strange new world with them.

“Loss is nothing else but change, and change is Nature's delight.”

~ Marcus Aurelius

Hair

An acquaintance recently did her BFA show on hair and how she uses her hair to talk about events that happen in our lives. In reality, don't we all?

I can totally identify with her perspective. When I dated Trevor, he always told me how he liked long hair. So I let it grow. Then he was gone.

So I cut it.

I let go of something that for too long meant so much to me. It was my way of saying goodbye. It was my way of letting go.

Then I started to date Jonathan. Things hit off so well and I saw that maybe my life was heading toward eternal progression.

Nope.

But I still let it grow.

Something inside of me hoped for something more and that perhaps there was something still on the horizon. I found someone I thought would be perfect. Not that one either. School was beginning to start and with my prospects waning into Fall ...

I cut my hair again.

And I colored it a sassy brown red.

Some say the color of my hair for the last year matches my personality. I have tried to become the image of something I am not. Something God didn't intend me to be.

Another boy. Another hope. Once again crushed and drug through Hell. I continued to let my hair grow. Maybe things would be different. But I still colored it.


This time dark brown with red.


Maybe if I could become like her, he would see that I am hands down the choice. Just maybe. Maybe if I were more spontaneous. Just maybe if I were more friendly. But the mask was more than me and something spoke softly to me one night:


"There are some things you are not. But there are so many more wonderful things you are. Stop trying to be something / someone you aren't."


I have been running.

But I'm done running now and I am ready to be me. So, in two weeks I have an appointment. I told my Aunt I want to start going back to my natural hair color. She looked at me like I was crazy, but said okay.

And I like my hair short.

Always have.

So, these are my thoughts and I would be interested to know what you think. Many of the people who have come into my life over the past few years don't know what I look like with my natural color. They only have seen it in pictures.

Raw Emotion

It's 5 a.m. I tap on the keyboard senselessly working to bring a ken to my mind of the events in the last week. Silly, silly girl ...

In many ways I feel like I'm standing on the Fifth Floor considering the "sign." Do I really ask too much? Am I hard on those with whom I associate with? Am I really that "high maintenance"?

Last week I sent a text message to someone that perhaps should have been a fact-to-face conversation. But previous to doing so I had a conversation with my bishop who shared some principles with me, and the wheels started to turn.

The conversation was about relationships we have with people, and we weren't even talking about romantic relationships necessarily. But he said that people have different speeds that they move at when forming a relationship with someone. While some attach to people quickly, others take a while. Then he shared a scenario with me to prove a point about how friendship and knowing someone is so important in a romantic relationship. It goes something like this:

A woman comes home and there is a big gouge down the side of the car. When the husband comes out, he sees the car and immediately asks his wife, "Honey, what happened? Are you okay?" He proceeds to ask more questions, but his biggest concern is for the welfare of his wife. All of this while looking at the side of the car.

He doesn't demean the woman, but instead seeks for understanding. Part of this process occurs because his relationship with his wife was based on a friendship that turned to love. Because there is a relationship of trust, he knows she would never do anything to intentionally hurt him, her, or anyone else.

On the flip side of that coin, the wife comes home in the same scenario and the husband flips out. He starts making assumptions that she has backed into a pole again, that whatever happened was all her fault, and the insanity goes on. This is an example of a relationship that has no foundation of friendship and / or trust. He immediately jumps down the woman's throat before she even gets a chance to explain what has happened.


I chewed and chewed on it. Then it came to me! I had to ask.

The person who I asked didn't respond for a day, and when I got the response I was floored. They said they felt belittled and insulted in the way I chose to ask my question. I responded that it wasn't meant to do that, and that I was merely curious. In that I said I was sorry they took it so negatively.

Again, nothing for another three days.

In the process I talked with some people vaguely about my experience and asked them what their reaction to my question and the way I asked it would have been. For the most part, these guys wouldn't have cared. I did get a few back who said they would have been upset, mostly because I called them out about something and their ego was bruised.

So, I proceeded to detach. I thought to myself, "If this person can't be enough of a grown-up to communicate with me, even to say they needed some space or time to process, I can't do this; and I'm not going to do this." I walked away.

Then I get a message, "Can we talk?" Really?? No! We cannot talk! I'm done! All of these things are going through my head and I'm really frustrated at this point. Apart from the fact that I was freezing my tail off at a track meet and already aggravated over some things going on there. It took me a minute, but I responded that I couldn't until later because of where I was.

Well, I left the meet with just enough time to get home, shower, and run to Stake Conf. What a great meeting! Apart from the fact that there was this dynamic young man who spoke and I haven't heard a testimony come from a young man like that in so long! Sitting there, I ruminated over things that I am looking for and the power that came from his mouth is something I would like to find one day.

At the end of the meeting I saw him. He saw me and walked away from me. Didn't even say hi. Seriously? You want to talk and you are going to walk away? Fine. Detachment continues.

Our group of friends goes to dinner and yogurt after. I decided he isn't going to ruin my night, so I be nice to him. But I'm still bugged, which people said was apparent ... Everyone was at my house after and I stayed downstairs to give him an opportunity. Nope, he went home.

Church the next day (it was his birthday) saw him from afar. Again, he walked away. Later I told him I left his present on his front door. He seemed to be upset that I would leave it there when he wasn't home. Then he invited me for dinner ...

Do I go? Do I stay home? Do I be nice? ... I went. It was awkward.

Then I didn't really hear anything from him again until Wednesday when he asked me out on a date via text message ... I told him our group of friends was planning something Friday and I was going to be at the ranch on Saturday. Again, didn't hear anything back from him. On Thursday we had a semi-normal conversation, but I couldn't think about him.

Thursday was the day! The culmination of 2.5 years of hard work. He knew what was happening and didn't say anything about it. I was giving my orals, the defense, of my Master's Project. Honestly, I didn't know what to expect. So I read over my paper. Prepared myself for questions and rested.

The time passed so quickly and before I knew it, it was time to call! Thankfully I called in a little early and found out I was supposed to speak for 8-10 minutes about my project. Oh, dear! At this point I am quickly gathering information together in my head of what I can talk about for 8-10 minutes.

Oh gosh! What do I need? What don't I need? I'm going to sound like a moron! They are never going to let me finish! What a perfect culmination to everything I have been going though >_<

On the conference call, I rambled for the time and actually pushed beyond 10 minutes. I was grateful to the grace of God that allowed words to flow from my mouth in some comprehensible form. I really didn't feel that great about it and I felt like a moron stumbling over words.

But why should I feel that way when I have had a sordid relationship with this project for nearly the last year of my life. In a way, it felt like many of my romantic relationships. I got excited about it, worked with it, gave it time and attention. Then when I was to the point of really committing and getting it finished, I let it slip. It was there, but I didn't continue to show it the same attention.

Barriers came into my life. Another boy who turned my world upside down, literally and figuratively. In many ways, my life will unfortunately never be the same. I allowed him to take things from me I will never have again. My relationship with my paper again suffered because I allowed this other person to take my time and attention.

After experiencing my own private hell, struggling with knowing if I was good enough for anything, and wondering if God even loved me anymore, I decided to pick myself up off the floor. I stumbled a few more times, but I finally let go of the person who would have forever kept me from my dreams and moved on to the Man who would help me fulfill every dream I have.

This last person came into my life about the time I was making my decision to move on. He did all the little things I look for. He payed attention to small hints I gave (like giving me tulips for Valentines Day), helped clean up when I had people over (even if it was taking out the trash), and he has a good grasp on the gospel.

I began to work furtively on my paper, handing it in again just after Valentine's Day. Again, my paper was held hostage for another month. In this time I was not only struggling with wanting to complete one item and move on, but with my expanding relationship with this other person. Again, everything seemed to be crumbling below me.

Then the e-mail came. Our HR Director sent out a letter stating that all lane changes needed to be turned in my April 15. If they were not finalized by then, people would have to wait until Oct. 1.

Fire!

I wasn't going to wait until October. My mind suddenly went into crisis mode and I began to go into crisis mode. This paper had to get done and I was going to make the deadline that was six weeks out.

And as they say, when it rains it pours. But if anything I was determined to finish this paper and move the iron out of my fire. I was put off, but I fought to finish. It was frustrating, but I am grateful for the experience.

My life is supposed to experience some measure of peace at this point, but the only thing that seems to be happening is that it is falling apart into shambles. Stupid boys. Silly people who try to push me aside. 

As I started to pick up the pieces of my life and Mending my broken heart, my Heavenly Father blessed me with people and an open mind to help me push through and finish. I got everything done amidst all the other struggles I was having.

Now that I am done, I really don't know what to do with myself. I thought perhaps this person would fill in that space, but they have not done so. Which is perhaps the reason I asked my question about attachment. Even still I have had to learn in the past week or two that I need to rely on other sources to fill my time.

It is time for me to find out who I really am. There are so many things I love about life and perhaps the two that draw me most near at this point are the gospel and going to school. School has been what has defined my life for a great measure of my time on earth. And I have decided to go to more starting in the Fall, even perhaps this summer.

There are many things in my life I cannot control, or do anything about. But I know I have command over my testimony and my education as a woman. A man does not make me who I am, he will add someday to who I am. I know what I deserve even though for a while I perhaps thought that I lost all my blessings.

God is mindful of us and the only way we will lose our blessings in heaven is if we turn our back on Him. Sometimes I struggle with detachment and I even opened myself to this person again last night, and it only resulted in more non-communication. I fell asleep resolved that this person did not want to resolve the previous strain of communication and they are not interested in being a part of my life.

But I know I will be blessed with a man who will love me, want to be with me, and who will talk to me (even if it is to say I need some man cave time). I know there is a man out there with a burning testimony that will come from the depths of his soul. There is someone who will be the kind of man I can see a whole world of potential with, and who I know will gain that as we progress together toward becoming One.

My emotions sit at the surface right now as I struggle to make sense of the things going on in my life. Am I not communicating enough with this person? Too much? Am I needy? Am I really that "high maintenance?

So, I go to that place of my heritage to think. I am heading south for the Easter weekend. It will be a chance for me to think about new life, starting over, and moving forward with the fresh life. I leave doors open if someone wants to walk through it, but I have to move forward with my life.

The Fifth Floor

The last few weeks of my life have been full of many choices to make. I had to prioritize which ones I was going to deal with first, and others had to be put aside for the time being. Work and school work took the priority, and things in my personal life were left behind.

While I worked on the other decisions, I seemed to be getting help and promptings for the ones I had temporarily put aside. Institute has been my life saver this year. I have learned many things, and if anything I have been able to feel God's love for me as I make an effort to attend.

A few weeks ago when I was in the middle of making these decisions, we had a lesson on preparing to become an eternal companion. Perfect. Just the one I had decided not to deal with in that moment, but something I needed none-the-less. Okay Father, I am listening ...

Brother Thorpe began by saying, "There is a difference between a temple marriage and an eternal marriage." This struck me because I had never thought about it that way before. But it makes total sense! Which one are we preparing for? Are we just looking to fill the square? Or are we really serious about creating and eternal marriage, in reality an eternal relationship, with someone?

This got my wheels turning in regards to my current situation. So often I have told people I want a temple marriage and there is no other direction my life will head. I think we loose sight of what the union really is, and that is an eternal marriage. The union of two people in love, trust, faith, and a host of other attributes to be perfected as two people grow into one.

While my wheels were spinning Brother Thorpe shared a story about a group of ladies who were going out on the town for the night. They got to this building that looked like a pretty happening place to find a good mate. Walking into the building they were informed there were five floors and each of them had something different to offer in regards to male companionship. All excited they hopped onto the elevator and started to go up floor by floor.

Arriving at the first floor, the door opened and the sisters saw a sign on the wall that read, "Sweet spirits." Intrigued by the other floors, they pushed the "Close" button. Once the doors closed, one of them pressed the button for the second floor. Arriving there, they saw another sign that read, "Well-tabernacled." Still not impressed, they all continued to the third floor.

When the doors opened, they sign read, "Well-tabernacled with good spirits." Excited, some of the ladies got off on the third floor while the others were still intrigued by what was to come. When the others had exited, the doors closed and the group proceeded to the fourth floor.

All excited, the chatter started to rise when the doors opened on the fourth floor. The sign read, "Well-tabernacled with great personalities. Loves kids, cooking, and cleaning." Suddenly the volume of excited me increased as many of the ladies got off in search of these good mates.

However, there were others who were still intrigued by what would be found on the fifth, and final, floor. They closed the doors and proceeded up to the next floor. When the doors opened, the women gazed upon an empty floor that didn't even have framing for walls. Instead, there was a lonely pole with a piece of paper taped to it that simply read, "No men here. Built to prove there is no way to please a woman."

I have to say, I got a good giggle. In my head I imagined the look on their faces when they opened the doors to see a barren floor. Then I thought to the statement on the sign. Is that really how it's seen? Then I giggled again thinking about communication patterns between males and females.

Often times we, as people in general, think we are communicating when we really aren't. Yes, we are saying words and throwing around some body lingo, but we aren't effectively communicating with the other person. As a result, both sides (or perhaps only one) get frustrated and things end in a shambles when they could have been successful.

I think this is how it goes in relation to the Fifth Floor. One side may not think there is any way to please the other side because of a communication break down. But in reality if they would both sit down and say what is on their mind, the Fifth Floor could be avoided by both sides.

In an effort to avoid this happening in my life, I decided to be open and honest with a particular person. I am in a situation that is particularly hard for me because I feel there is a lack of communication and a lack of interest in some ways.

Never in a "relationship" have I had someone not say something to me at least once a day, or every other day. I am used to getting a text in the morning that says something to the effect of "Good morning" or "Hope your having a great day." In my current situation, this is not happening at all. I am struggling to get any kind of conversation.

Working to be patient and express to this person that I was having a hard time, I tried the around-the-bush approach. No luck. So I tried the around-the-bush, semi-direct approach. Fail. So, about a week ago I just went head first into the shallow end. "I am not used to not talking to someone every day. I am a communicative person and I need that. It's nice to know I am thought of." Response: "That's just not me."

Come on! This is not only one of my majors, but my Master's studies ... Have I learned nothing? Did I waste four years of my life? Epic fail? "Ok. Be patient. Everyone is different. You can learn something from this. Love him for who he is. You can do this."

As patient as I have been working to be, and as much as I have been focusing on the good of this person, something wasn't sitting right ... Unsurity kills me. The lesson continued:

"You might have found a relationship with true love if:
1. Your relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have never been better.
2. You relationship with parents and family have never been better.
3. Your relationship with friends or buddies is great.
4. Grades have never been better.
5. Never felt so good about yourself. Even when you are with and away from your companion."

Intriguing ...

I know this is not a sure-fire list, but it gives food for thought. So, I ponder on it. Even tonight as I chew on it, I think about people who have come into my life that fit parts of this list. The first one that comes to mind if E.

While we only dated a short while, he fills the majority of this list. When I was with him and his kids, I felt spiritually alive, he respected time with friends, he pushed me to be a better student and was there for me when I was on overkill and needed a second opinion, and every time I was with him I felt like the most important, beautiful person. And he told me too.

Trevor perhaps fills the square for #1. He and I had spiritual conversations constantly. Because of him, I dug into the gospel and he challenged me in a good way. I need that. While we didn't see eye-to-eye on everything, we were able to talk about anything that came up in a civil manner. He was good with family and friends, but they saw things I didn't see at the time.

I can't think of a particular relationship that really fills #2 that well. In my life, I am pretty particular about who I "take home." I am not quite sure why, but it is a big deal for me about who I introduce to my family. And it definitely has to be something special in order for them to meet my dad's side of the family.

#3 is also another struggle for me. I haven't really found someone yet that my friends say, "Yeah, he's worthy." They always tell me I date below myself, that I have yet to find someone that will really be my helpmeet. Although, I am not sure I will find that perfect someone. Even if I did, he wouldn't want an imperfect person like me.

Brother Mueller said something really interesting in regards to this: Attributes are best polished together as husband and wife. Does that mean I am going to marry someone just to find out, to polish?
No. But I know perfection is not attained alone. It will be attained in the process of time as two individuals become one and consequently become one with our Heavenly Father.

light -> light ; truth -> truth ; virtue -> virtue

#4 & #5 E filled completely. I remember our first date vividly. He stared at me all night and just ha this grin on his face. When I asked him why, he said, "Your eyes sparkle in the candle light and you are just so beautiful." Never before had I had someone say that to me so sincerely. And like I mentioned before, whenever we were together he made me feel like I was the most important thing. He wasn't afraid to show me off either.

I know you can't compare one relationship to another because that would mean two people would need to be identical in personalities and other things. But I often think back to previous relationships and I know there are those things I am looking for. If I had them once, I can have them again. I know one day I will find a combination of the right things. But for now, I wait and I look for some other things:

1. Commitment: Do they keep their commitments? Do they maintain a relationship with God and Christ?
2. How do they handle conflict?: Let things go wrong ... How do they deal with "adventure"?
3. Communication: How do they communicate? Do you do things that help you get to know each other? Intimacy is no friend to objectivity.
4. Do they challenge you to be the best you?
5. Does the spirit reside in your relationship? Does it confirm what you are doing?

I don't know my direction right now. But I do know if some things doing change in my life soon, the direction needs to change. I have done all I can think of and nothing seems to be working. I don't want to be on the Fifth Floor. I want to be in a place where I can have everything Heavenly Father has promised me. My Dove wrappers tonight said, "Break the mold." and "Find your passion."

It's your time and it's your life. So, what will you do with it? I know that making the decision and creating an eternal marriage are one of the most important things you will do with your life. It is more than a temple marriage. It will be something lasting and eternal. A kind of love that will endure any kind of trial faced in this life.

Day 20: I love to see the temple

I have been in love with the temple since I have learned about them. When I played the piano in Primary the song I Love to See The Temple was my favorite. It would bring tears to my eyes to hear such innocent voices sing about something so sacred.

Growing up in my home it wasn't something that was a focus. I didn't even fully comprehend the idea. But I knew that it was a holy place and I wanted to be worthy to go inside one day. I didn't know if it would be on my own preparing for a mission or for getting married, but I felt stronger about the mission route. 

I have had the opportunity a handful of times to witness the sealing of people most dear to me and feeling of the power of those covenants. A few times I have been proxy for those who have passed on. It is a wonderful feeling to know you are helping someone in their eternal progression who has been waiting hundreds of years. Then just going to the temple for others is a wonderful blessing. I pray each time that the person will understand and accept the work that has been / is being done for them. 

Recently I remember walking through the halls of the Nauvoo temple and being overwhelmed with tears. I didn't understand it at the time, but later I would. In me was a sense that this temple was closer to me than I comprehended. And it was.