Stepping Outside the "Zone"

Today I did something new. I went to what would be my home ward because our singles ward didn't have church. There were two motives for going there and not with my mom. The first being that there was a boy I met last week at a fireside; the second being that I wanted to see how the ward was.

Truthfully, I should have gone there a long time ago. But I told myself I could be in the same ward with Trevor and I felt it would be OK. It was all fine and dandy until this last month or so. It is a challenge now.

Anyhow, my incentive to try to new waters came because this boy came up to me and introduced himself. Like the nervous wreck I am around boys I stammered over my words to introduce myself in return. In any event, I felt it was an encouraging exchange.

I went to the ward on Sunday morning with the hope of seeing him again. The power had gone out, but they started Church anyway asking people to move up so they didn't have to shout. It was then that I saw him. He was moving from the chairs to the pew just in front of me on the other side.

I sat there for a few minutes debating whether or not to move. Finally, I told myself, "What do you have to lose?" So I picked my stuff up and moved to sit by him. I asked if he was saving the seat and he stammered to say no. I laughed to myself on the inside because I was stammering on the inside being outside of my "zone."

There was not another exchange until Sacrament meeting ended and he asked me my name again. I verified that his name was Ryan, not Brian like I thought previously. He then told me where Sunday School was.

It was interesting to observe his body lingo and that of another boy in the YSA class. He was cute too. They are both the quiet type. But in class, I spoke out more than I normally would my first time somewhere. I figured if they wanted to accept me for who I was, they would or wouldn't. But, I have to put myself out there to give them that opportunity. One more step outside of the "zone."

I was thinking today about sparks of light. While I need to look for them in my life, I also need to give other people the opportunity to see them in, and through, me.

One of my sparks of light today was seeing this young girl talk about this boy, or maybe there were two different ones. She is probably a year out of high school, maybe two. She was talking about all of their redeeming qualities: return missionaries, one listens to conference as he runs each morning, being able to talk for hours about anything, thoughtful little gestures on their part, etc.

She was so starry eyed. For a short moment I thought, "If you only knew what you were getting in to." Then I told myself that I shouldn't look at it that way. She is on her personal journey discovering things about who she is and what she wants, and about what she is looking for in that "special someone."

Now, who knows if any of it will work out. But most importantly, she is so happy. In her I see the hope of a brighter tomorrow and the result of putting yourself out there. God was showing me through her there is hope. There are great guys out there who will be honest with you and who are the Fourth Missionary.

"Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope. And again, behold I say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be meek, and lowly of heart" (Moroni 7:42-43).

The Lord brings us down low so that we may be humble and teachable. In these moments we are pulled out of our "zone" so that we can grow. If it were not so, entropy would take place and our muscles would begin to deteriorate and there would be no progression.

"Whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection. And if a person gains more knowledge and intelligence in this life through his diligence and obedience than another, he will have so much the advantage in the world to come" (D&C 130:18-19).

Untitled

It is the moment you waited for all your life; then you realize it is not what you want at all.

I wonder that I like Christmas at all anymore. After the last two years, I am pretty hammered with "events." Last year, at this time is when my "relationship" started to deteriorate before my eyes.

When we ended, we decided that we would stay friends. I have decided that is not wise. I wanted a "friend" so bad in my life that I lost sight and it took me a year to realize that it wasn't what I wanted at all.

Tonight I said good-bye to that dear friend. It was becoming unhealthy for not only me, but him and his new relationship. She is a doll and I am happy for them. It will be hard knowing that that part of me is no longer there as it was before, but I keep telling myself it will get better.

We exchanged our Christmas gifts before going our separate ways and he made me open mine first. As I tore the paper away, I started to cry as I realized what it was. Part of me is angry that he got it for me because I will always have that reminder. The other part of me sees the significance of the picture and is gretful beyond written or verbal expression.

It is a photo called "Hard Work." The photo shows only the work horse. In it you see struggle, determination, and tiredness. Upon further examination of the photo, you see that the horse has a singular focus (with no blinders), there is no master, no whip, and the reins are loose. President Corbridge once said, "The Lord does not hold us tightly. It is amazing the latitude that we are given."

The photo also stands as a symbol of the Fourth Missionary. Someone who is the Fourth Missionary has total surrender. He is more than a servant, he is a disciple of Christ. This person knows who they are and where they are going, with no force being given from behind.

"Sacrifice and consecration are very similar, but they are different," said President. "When you consecrate, you give yourself to the Lord."

The Fourth Missionary gives everything over to the Lord: his heart, his mind, his might. He has faith and courage. He is immediately and exactly obedient. "The good that you have done will not change who you are unless you have obedience," President said. "All of our blessings are predicated upon laws."

Now, he is not to be put on a pedestal. He is not perfect and he has his issues. But, what sets him apart is that predominantly his & the Lord's desires are the same.

"If you continue to stay active in the Church, the Lord will continually pull you out of your comfort zone," President said. "If He did not, we would never learn charity."

We must reach breaking points without breaking. We must have the vision, for in the end our greatest work will be who we are.

— Do you have a plan for who you want to become one day?
— Who do you want to be?
— When you are standing alone with nothing of the world around you, in a sense naked, who will you be?
— What kind of person are you now? and where do you want to go from here to become the end result?
"If your whole life is snowboarding and Nintendo, who will you be in the end?"

In life, there will always be things that happen and you do not plan for them. And when that stuff happens, it is to give you an opportunity to respond appropriately. "Saints and angels are made out of suffering," said President Spencer W. Kimball. Those who sacrifice most to follow Christ are the ones who will be changed most by Christ.

"If it is hard for you, know that your redemption, your salvation, is built out of this hardness," said President. "When pain, adversity, and sacrifice come knocking at your door don't run away. Open the door and ask them what they want to teach you. You don't have to make room for them, but learn as much as quick as you can, and then close the door!"

Adversity can be our great friend. Perfection requires time. We must sustain obedience over a lifetime. Time is essential. The City of Enoch was sustained in the process of time.

The more the exact obedience, sustained over the longer period of time, against the greatest adversity, the greater the end result. You never know when you can change, or be changed, in a moment. Keep the light on. Look for the "sparks of light." These moments are worth more than all of the other stuff we do.

Now, as you work all of this into your life, your walls must come down. Tonight I said I was tired of building walls, and I believe it now. I know it's going to be difficult. But it is something that must happen so that I can fully open my heart to God and that 'someone' He has prepared for me.

In a sense I feel like a little sea urchin who can no longer be confined within the walls of the shell where I am. So, the Lord is pulling me out of it and I am completely vulnerable to elements around me. I know that I will eventually find another 'safe haven' where I am comfortable, and I know I will grow out of it and the Lord will once again pull me out of it.

Today, I stood at a crossroads. I have stood here before. There are many times when my chosen path has taken me away from the world. And today, I choose once again to be the Fourth Missionary. Today, I chose to seek the fourth missionary as my companion.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

It was the moment I waited for; then I realized it is not what I wanted at all. Today, I choose to take the road less traveled by, and I know it will make all the difference.

Serendipity

I thought I would share a little word history on a previous post. It is interesting to learn about words and the very language we speak. Oh, the things we could know if we would take the time.

Word History: We are indebted to the English author Horace Walpole for the word serendipity, which he coined in one of the 3,000 or more letters on which his literary reputation primarily rests. In a letter of January 28, 1754, Walpole says that "this discovery, indeed, is almost of that kind which I call Serendipity, a very expressive word." Walpole formed the word on an old name for Sri Lanka, Serendip. He explained that this name was part of the title of "a silly fairy tale, called The Three Princes of Serendip: as their highnesses traveled, they were always making discoveries, by accidents and sagacity, of things which they were not in quest of...."

Maneater

A fun tribute to the characters of Jane Austin's novels.

Used to the Pain

I have taken some great strides in the past few weeks and I am happy to say that I am becoming a stronger person because of it.

It all started a few weeks ago when I was cleaning. I decided it was time to get to the boxes I had been ignoring for two months. As I began to sort through things, I found items that I had been holding on to. There wasn't any real reason other than it was part of what I was holding on to inside that prevented me from giving my whole heart.

There were photos of Chris, Anthony, Vance, and Trevor; letters from Kyle and Vance; stuffed animals from Adam and who knows who else. I thought about keeping them for about two seconds before they found their way into my trash box.

It felt so good to 'let those things go.' In a sense it was the beginning of my healing process. It was the beginning of everything else.

Over the past few weeks my best friend has been slipping away as he has found his own way to heal. Honestly, I never thought it would all happen like this. I thought we would always stay best friends and talk about everything like we have for the last 1.5 years. But I find myself divulging more in an effort to hang on to the friendship, and him walking away more and more.

It has been a great pain to my soul, but I read something today that put some antiseptic into my wound. The quote is more about relationships, but I believe it can be applied to our friendships as well:

"This partner you believe you love should not be coerced or forced in any way to continue if she or he does not want to continue. Even if the emotional hurt you feel is strong, you need to back off, not try to hurt the partner back in some way, and allow yourself time to heal."

For so long I have been forcing the issue (so to say). I have been so unfair to those around me in failing to see what is so obvious to them.

The quote also applies to our relationships with ourselves. Even if the emotional hurt is strong, we have to let go of those things that are holding us back from greater blessings. When we look in the mirror, we need to want to be with the person we see. If we do not want to be with ourselves, then how can we let someone else in?

While I feel I have been left alone, I really haven't. There are people who will come and go from my life, but one thing will always be constant: Heavenly Father's love for me.

"Breaking up is not the end of the world. Great learning and maturity can come from surviving a premarital breakup. If on initiates or goes through a breakup with as much Christlike behavior and feelings as possible, and allows himself or herself to be healed by the peace of the Spirit, that person is then more ready to move on to a relationship that can result in an eternal marriage — but not too quickly, mind you."

When I was working, I was running from having to settle with these feelings. It was easy to get lost in something else and not worry that everything was crumbling to pieces around me. But these last two days, I have not had to go to work and I have had all these feelings bombard me.

I was angry that my best friend was leaving me and being a punk. I was lonely because it seems everyone around me is finding someone. I was hurt that part of my belief system was ridiculed in public. I was embarrassed because a boy that may be a potential was part of that ridicule. My once firm foundation feels more like a shaky tightrope.

For so long I have been like the disciples in the fourteenth chapter of Matthew, when a storm arose on the Sea of Galilee and the ship was "tossed with waves; for the wind was contrary." In the midst of their anxiety, the disciples looked toward the shore and a being, a ghost, an apparition, was seen walking directly toward them.

This only increased their panic, and they began to cry out in fear. But it was Christ walking on the water toward them. "Be of good cheer," he called out. "It is I; be not afraid." He was coming to help in their moment of need, and they, misunderstanding, were fleeing.

In my attitude of misunderstanding, I have been walking away from opportunities to be spiritually healed. As my boat is tossed on the waves, I have not looked to the one person who can calm the waves with His words.

So, today I determined that I am going to let me healing begin and I am going to let go of those things that I thought were helping me; but in reality, they were only causing me more pain. I sheepishly am starting to take the bricks down that I thought were going to protect me.

C.S. Lewis wrote:

"The work of devils and of darkness is never more certain to be defeated than when men and women, not finding it easy or pleasant but still determined to do the Father's will, look out upon their lives from which it may seem every trace of God has vanished, and asking why they have been so forsaken, still bow their heads and obey."

I am not yet perfect, but I am starting somewhere. My life is no longer my own, but a trust in God that he will shape me into the servant He needs me to be. There are people I have been called to watch over and there is not enough time to wallow in self-pity.

"Sit back and let the Spirit work."

An Obituary for Love

That person

Today I started to question everything I have done in the last three weeks. Why have I done what I have done? What was I hoping to get out of it? Why did I do it again?

Someone brought something by for me and it was taken away and given to someone else. On the inside I was torn and hurt feeling that what I have done is unappreciated.

As the person was talking to me, I couldn't even focus on what they were saying because I was toggling between feelings of anger, frustration, and unbelief. I had to leave. I couldn't be there anymore.

On my way home, I started to think about everything and if it means anything; if trying to be that person is really worth it. Most often it turns out that I am that person, the person who gets walked on and taken advantage of.

Sometimes I want someone to be there for me. Someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be OK. Someone who won't take me for granted.

Perhaps this is why I don't feel good about taking this job if it were offered to me. I know I will end up in the same situation I am in for two more days.

I need to find a job and someone who will see me for who I really am and what I am really worth.

A caged bird cannot fly

Carl Sandburg once wrote, "There is a place for me somewhere, where I can write and speak much as I think, and make it pay for my living and some besides. Just where this place is I have small idea now, but I am going to find it."

I have a small idea, a dream if you will, and I am going to find it.

There are people in this life who are meant to work for other people, and those who aren't. I am finding that my free spirit is not one that can live in happiness with clipped wings in a cage. So, I am starting my own photography business. I would also like to consider some freelance writing.

It is a dream I have had for a long time and I have had a name for it for many years. My dad says it's the only way to go; but once you step into that rhelm, there is no going back.

While I am not stepping in with two feet just yet, I am going. I have an interview tomorrow which I have felt directed to. There is great possibility for me there I believe and the opportunity to move around.

I horizon is bright and I look forward to the day!

Patience

"It’s a hard thing, patience. But when something means enough to you… patience is going to be critical.

"They say patience is a virtue and like most virtues, we never know if we posses it until it’s been tested. If we’re lucky, we have someone to take that test with us. And if we can pass that test, if we can wait long enough, we just might find the reward greater than we ever expected.

"The funny thing about waiting, is it always seems the more we want something, the longer we have to wait for it. Deciding to wait out the long haul shouldn’t be taken lightly, but it’s an easier decision to live with than others."

A dream

Last night was awful... I slept horribly, It came, and I lost you forever...

In my dream I watched myself standing at the door. You left me and I stood at the door hoping you would soon come back, but you didn't. I watched myself waiting and realizing you weren't ever coming back.

Perhaps it is part of growing up. Realizing it is easier for you to walk away and move on given our culture and separate duties. Although sometimes I feel like a convenience...

I know the person who will never leave me is out there and I think it makes it that much harder. Here I am blogging like a lame-o on a Friday night and he is out there... and you have left me alone.

Spellbound

by Emily Brontë

The night is darkening round me, The wild winds coldly blow; But a tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go. The giant trees are bending Their bare boughs weighed with snow. And the storm is fast descending, And yet I cannot go. Clouds beyond clouds above me, Wastes beyond wastes below; But nothing dear can move me; I will not, cannot go.

Power

I recently read this talk that confirmed and changed how I look at some things in my life. In 1999, Elder Ray H. Wood gave a talk entitled, "Made Like unto the Son of God."

Many of the principles he speaks to are priesthood oriented. As I read the talk, however, I began to think that it applies to all of us. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ we have all taken upon ourselves covenants through the Holy Priesthood.

Elder Wood said, "There should be nothing casual, nonchalant, or indifferent about holding the priesthood. Once accepted, it should not be ignored, neglected, or cast aside. It is a mantle of honor and power."

It is a mantle of honor and power. Through the scriptures we know, "the rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness."

When any of God's commandments are violated, He removes his power and influence. And when He leaves, we are left to our own. That is not a good thing because it is easier to conquer the Goliath's of our lives with the help of God.

We "are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people" (1 Pet. 2:9). As such, we should act it.

Last week in Relief Society I read this quote. I knew when the teacher handed me the paper, there was something special about this quote given by President Gordon B. Hinckley at a member meeting in Kenya.

"I think tonight of the great occasion when Paul describes his experience on the road to Damascus. He saw a light from heaven and heard a voice speaking unto him. And he fell to the ground and said, 'Who are thou, Lord?'

"And Jesus said, 'Rise, and stand upon thy feet: for I have appeared unto thee... to make thee a minister and a witnes... ,

"To open their eyes, and to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan unto God' (Acts 26:15-16, 18).

"Now, I believe that same injunction given by the Lord to Paul applies to each of us. 'Rise,' He says, 'and stand upon [your] feet: for I have appeared unto thee... to make thee a minister and a witness.'

"Each of you has the responsibility of standing as a witness of the everlasting truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Your responsibility is to open the eyes of others 'and to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan unto God.'"

I think of the power of that statement. I couldn't get through it without feeling the Spirit and tears streaming down my face. Each person has been called to be a minister and a witness of Jesus Christ and his restored gospel.

That is only possible if we have the power and influence of God with us. "Choose you this day whom ye will serve... but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" (Josh 24:15). That is the only true way to get spiritual power in your life.

Chose today!

Growing up

The minute I saw you, there was something inside of me that said we had already met. You looked at me as I walked into the room with him and something twisted inside of me. I knew what I had with this other person wouldn't last because of what I felt in that nanosecond of life.

It's been almost a year now and nothing has changed. As you spoke last night, our eyes met and that familiar twist came inside of me again. There is something about you...

I have yet to figure out what it all means, if anything. Maybe it is God's way of showing me there are good guys out there; or of showing me that I can actually grow to have feelings for another person after falling in love and it not working out.

There are changes I am making in my life and positive things I hope to see come out of it. It's time to grow up...

Kick butt crash

Do you ever wake up and feel like it's going to be a kick-butt day? You feel like you are walking on top of the world and that nothing can bring you down...

Then something happens... and you go home and tell yourself to be a big girl and get over it... but it still hurts...