Hair

An acquaintance recently did her BFA show on hair and how she uses her hair to talk about events that happen in our lives. In reality, don't we all?

I can totally identify with her perspective. When I dated Trevor, he always told me how he liked long hair. So I let it grow. Then he was gone.

So I cut it.

I let go of something that for too long meant so much to me. It was my way of saying goodbye. It was my way of letting go.

Then I started to date Jonathan. Things hit off so well and I saw that maybe my life was heading toward eternal progression.

Nope.

But I still let it grow.

Something inside of me hoped for something more and that perhaps there was something still on the horizon. I found someone I thought would be perfect. Not that one either. School was beginning to start and with my prospects waning into Fall ...

I cut my hair again.

And I colored it a sassy brown red.

Some say the color of my hair for the last year matches my personality. I have tried to become the image of something I am not. Something God didn't intend me to be.

Another boy. Another hope. Once again crushed and drug through Hell. I continued to let my hair grow. Maybe things would be different. But I still colored it.


This time dark brown with red.


Maybe if I could become like her, he would see that I am hands down the choice. Just maybe. Maybe if I were more spontaneous. Just maybe if I were more friendly. But the mask was more than me and something spoke softly to me one night:


"There are some things you are not. But there are so many more wonderful things you are. Stop trying to be something / someone you aren't."


I have been running.

But I'm done running now and I am ready to be me. So, in two weeks I have an appointment. I told my Aunt I want to start going back to my natural hair color. She looked at me like I was crazy, but said okay.

And I like my hair short.

Always have.

So, these are my thoughts and I would be interested to know what you think. Many of the people who have come into my life over the past few years don't know what I look like with my natural color. They only have seen it in pictures.

Raw Emotion

It's 5 a.m. I tap on the keyboard senselessly working to bring a ken to my mind of the events in the last week. Silly, silly girl ...

In many ways I feel like I'm standing on the Fifth Floor considering the "sign." Do I really ask too much? Am I hard on those with whom I associate with? Am I really that "high maintenance"?

Last week I sent a text message to someone that perhaps should have been a fact-to-face conversation. But previous to doing so I had a conversation with my bishop who shared some principles with me, and the wheels started to turn.

The conversation was about relationships we have with people, and we weren't even talking about romantic relationships necessarily. But he said that people have different speeds that they move at when forming a relationship with someone. While some attach to people quickly, others take a while. Then he shared a scenario with me to prove a point about how friendship and knowing someone is so important in a romantic relationship. It goes something like this:

A woman comes home and there is a big gouge down the side of the car. When the husband comes out, he sees the car and immediately asks his wife, "Honey, what happened? Are you okay?" He proceeds to ask more questions, but his biggest concern is for the welfare of his wife. All of this while looking at the side of the car.

He doesn't demean the woman, but instead seeks for understanding. Part of this process occurs because his relationship with his wife was based on a friendship that turned to love. Because there is a relationship of trust, he knows she would never do anything to intentionally hurt him, her, or anyone else.

On the flip side of that coin, the wife comes home in the same scenario and the husband flips out. He starts making assumptions that she has backed into a pole again, that whatever happened was all her fault, and the insanity goes on. This is an example of a relationship that has no foundation of friendship and / or trust. He immediately jumps down the woman's throat before she even gets a chance to explain what has happened.


I chewed and chewed on it. Then it came to me! I had to ask.

The person who I asked didn't respond for a day, and when I got the response I was floored. They said they felt belittled and insulted in the way I chose to ask my question. I responded that it wasn't meant to do that, and that I was merely curious. In that I said I was sorry they took it so negatively.

Again, nothing for another three days.

In the process I talked with some people vaguely about my experience and asked them what their reaction to my question and the way I asked it would have been. For the most part, these guys wouldn't have cared. I did get a few back who said they would have been upset, mostly because I called them out about something and their ego was bruised.

So, I proceeded to detach. I thought to myself, "If this person can't be enough of a grown-up to communicate with me, even to say they needed some space or time to process, I can't do this; and I'm not going to do this." I walked away.

Then I get a message, "Can we talk?" Really?? No! We cannot talk! I'm done! All of these things are going through my head and I'm really frustrated at this point. Apart from the fact that I was freezing my tail off at a track meet and already aggravated over some things going on there. It took me a minute, but I responded that I couldn't until later because of where I was.

Well, I left the meet with just enough time to get home, shower, and run to Stake Conf. What a great meeting! Apart from the fact that there was this dynamic young man who spoke and I haven't heard a testimony come from a young man like that in so long! Sitting there, I ruminated over things that I am looking for and the power that came from his mouth is something I would like to find one day.

At the end of the meeting I saw him. He saw me and walked away from me. Didn't even say hi. Seriously? You want to talk and you are going to walk away? Fine. Detachment continues.

Our group of friends goes to dinner and yogurt after. I decided he isn't going to ruin my night, so I be nice to him. But I'm still bugged, which people said was apparent ... Everyone was at my house after and I stayed downstairs to give him an opportunity. Nope, he went home.

Church the next day (it was his birthday) saw him from afar. Again, he walked away. Later I told him I left his present on his front door. He seemed to be upset that I would leave it there when he wasn't home. Then he invited me for dinner ...

Do I go? Do I stay home? Do I be nice? ... I went. It was awkward.

Then I didn't really hear anything from him again until Wednesday when he asked me out on a date via text message ... I told him our group of friends was planning something Friday and I was going to be at the ranch on Saturday. Again, didn't hear anything back from him. On Thursday we had a semi-normal conversation, but I couldn't think about him.

Thursday was the day! The culmination of 2.5 years of hard work. He knew what was happening and didn't say anything about it. I was giving my orals, the defense, of my Master's Project. Honestly, I didn't know what to expect. So I read over my paper. Prepared myself for questions and rested.

The time passed so quickly and before I knew it, it was time to call! Thankfully I called in a little early and found out I was supposed to speak for 8-10 minutes about my project. Oh, dear! At this point I am quickly gathering information together in my head of what I can talk about for 8-10 minutes.

Oh gosh! What do I need? What don't I need? I'm going to sound like a moron! They are never going to let me finish! What a perfect culmination to everything I have been going though >_<

On the conference call, I rambled for the time and actually pushed beyond 10 minutes. I was grateful to the grace of God that allowed words to flow from my mouth in some comprehensible form. I really didn't feel that great about it and I felt like a moron stumbling over words.

But why should I feel that way when I have had a sordid relationship with this project for nearly the last year of my life. In a way, it felt like many of my romantic relationships. I got excited about it, worked with it, gave it time and attention. Then when I was to the point of really committing and getting it finished, I let it slip. It was there, but I didn't continue to show it the same attention.

Barriers came into my life. Another boy who turned my world upside down, literally and figuratively. In many ways, my life will unfortunately never be the same. I allowed him to take things from me I will never have again. My relationship with my paper again suffered because I allowed this other person to take my time and attention.

After experiencing my own private hell, struggling with knowing if I was good enough for anything, and wondering if God even loved me anymore, I decided to pick myself up off the floor. I stumbled a few more times, but I finally let go of the person who would have forever kept me from my dreams and moved on to the Man who would help me fulfill every dream I have.

This last person came into my life about the time I was making my decision to move on. He did all the little things I look for. He payed attention to small hints I gave (like giving me tulips for Valentines Day), helped clean up when I had people over (even if it was taking out the trash), and he has a good grasp on the gospel.

I began to work furtively on my paper, handing it in again just after Valentine's Day. Again, my paper was held hostage for another month. In this time I was not only struggling with wanting to complete one item and move on, but with my expanding relationship with this other person. Again, everything seemed to be crumbling below me.

Then the e-mail came. Our HR Director sent out a letter stating that all lane changes needed to be turned in my April 15. If they were not finalized by then, people would have to wait until Oct. 1.

Fire!

I wasn't going to wait until October. My mind suddenly went into crisis mode and I began to go into crisis mode. This paper had to get done and I was going to make the deadline that was six weeks out.

And as they say, when it rains it pours. But if anything I was determined to finish this paper and move the iron out of my fire. I was put off, but I fought to finish. It was frustrating, but I am grateful for the experience.

My life is supposed to experience some measure of peace at this point, but the only thing that seems to be happening is that it is falling apart into shambles. Stupid boys. Silly people who try to push me aside. 

As I started to pick up the pieces of my life and Mending my broken heart, my Heavenly Father blessed me with people and an open mind to help me push through and finish. I got everything done amidst all the other struggles I was having.

Now that I am done, I really don't know what to do with myself. I thought perhaps this person would fill in that space, but they have not done so. Which is perhaps the reason I asked my question about attachment. Even still I have had to learn in the past week or two that I need to rely on other sources to fill my time.

It is time for me to find out who I really am. There are so many things I love about life and perhaps the two that draw me most near at this point are the gospel and going to school. School has been what has defined my life for a great measure of my time on earth. And I have decided to go to more starting in the Fall, even perhaps this summer.

There are many things in my life I cannot control, or do anything about. But I know I have command over my testimony and my education as a woman. A man does not make me who I am, he will add someday to who I am. I know what I deserve even though for a while I perhaps thought that I lost all my blessings.

God is mindful of us and the only way we will lose our blessings in heaven is if we turn our back on Him. Sometimes I struggle with detachment and I even opened myself to this person again last night, and it only resulted in more non-communication. I fell asleep resolved that this person did not want to resolve the previous strain of communication and they are not interested in being a part of my life.

But I know I will be blessed with a man who will love me, want to be with me, and who will talk to me (even if it is to say I need some man cave time). I know there is a man out there with a burning testimony that will come from the depths of his soul. There is someone who will be the kind of man I can see a whole world of potential with, and who I know will gain that as we progress together toward becoming One.

My emotions sit at the surface right now as I struggle to make sense of the things going on in my life. Am I not communicating enough with this person? Too much? Am I needy? Am I really that "high maintenance?

So, I go to that place of my heritage to think. I am heading south for the Easter weekend. It will be a chance for me to think about new life, starting over, and moving forward with the fresh life. I leave doors open if someone wants to walk through it, but I have to move forward with my life.

The Fifth Floor

The last few weeks of my life have been full of many choices to make. I had to prioritize which ones I was going to deal with first, and others had to be put aside for the time being. Work and school work took the priority, and things in my personal life were left behind.

While I worked on the other decisions, I seemed to be getting help and promptings for the ones I had temporarily put aside. Institute has been my life saver this year. I have learned many things, and if anything I have been able to feel God's love for me as I make an effort to attend.

A few weeks ago when I was in the middle of making these decisions, we had a lesson on preparing to become an eternal companion. Perfect. Just the one I had decided not to deal with in that moment, but something I needed none-the-less. Okay Father, I am listening ...

Brother Thorpe began by saying, "There is a difference between a temple marriage and an eternal marriage." This struck me because I had never thought about it that way before. But it makes total sense! Which one are we preparing for? Are we just looking to fill the square? Or are we really serious about creating and eternal marriage, in reality an eternal relationship, with someone?

This got my wheels turning in regards to my current situation. So often I have told people I want a temple marriage and there is no other direction my life will head. I think we loose sight of what the union really is, and that is an eternal marriage. The union of two people in love, trust, faith, and a host of other attributes to be perfected as two people grow into one.

While my wheels were spinning Brother Thorpe shared a story about a group of ladies who were going out on the town for the night. They got to this building that looked like a pretty happening place to find a good mate. Walking into the building they were informed there were five floors and each of them had something different to offer in regards to male companionship. All excited they hopped onto the elevator and started to go up floor by floor.

Arriving at the first floor, the door opened and the sisters saw a sign on the wall that read, "Sweet spirits." Intrigued by the other floors, they pushed the "Close" button. Once the doors closed, one of them pressed the button for the second floor. Arriving there, they saw another sign that read, "Well-tabernacled." Still not impressed, they all continued to the third floor.

When the doors opened, they sign read, "Well-tabernacled with good spirits." Excited, some of the ladies got off on the third floor while the others were still intrigued by what was to come. When the others had exited, the doors closed and the group proceeded to the fourth floor.

All excited, the chatter started to rise when the doors opened on the fourth floor. The sign read, "Well-tabernacled with great personalities. Loves kids, cooking, and cleaning." Suddenly the volume of excited me increased as many of the ladies got off in search of these good mates.

However, there were others who were still intrigued by what would be found on the fifth, and final, floor. They closed the doors and proceeded up to the next floor. When the doors opened, the women gazed upon an empty floor that didn't even have framing for walls. Instead, there was a lonely pole with a piece of paper taped to it that simply read, "No men here. Built to prove there is no way to please a woman."

I have to say, I got a good giggle. In my head I imagined the look on their faces when they opened the doors to see a barren floor. Then I thought to the statement on the sign. Is that really how it's seen? Then I giggled again thinking about communication patterns between males and females.

Often times we, as people in general, think we are communicating when we really aren't. Yes, we are saying words and throwing around some body lingo, but we aren't effectively communicating with the other person. As a result, both sides (or perhaps only one) get frustrated and things end in a shambles when they could have been successful.

I think this is how it goes in relation to the Fifth Floor. One side may not think there is any way to please the other side because of a communication break down. But in reality if they would both sit down and say what is on their mind, the Fifth Floor could be avoided by both sides.

In an effort to avoid this happening in my life, I decided to be open and honest with a particular person. I am in a situation that is particularly hard for me because I feel there is a lack of communication and a lack of interest in some ways.

Never in a "relationship" have I had someone not say something to me at least once a day, or every other day. I am used to getting a text in the morning that says something to the effect of "Good morning" or "Hope your having a great day." In my current situation, this is not happening at all. I am struggling to get any kind of conversation.

Working to be patient and express to this person that I was having a hard time, I tried the around-the-bush approach. No luck. So I tried the around-the-bush, semi-direct approach. Fail. So, about a week ago I just went head first into the shallow end. "I am not used to not talking to someone every day. I am a communicative person and I need that. It's nice to know I am thought of." Response: "That's just not me."

Come on! This is not only one of my majors, but my Master's studies ... Have I learned nothing? Did I waste four years of my life? Epic fail? "Ok. Be patient. Everyone is different. You can learn something from this. Love him for who he is. You can do this."

As patient as I have been working to be, and as much as I have been focusing on the good of this person, something wasn't sitting right ... Unsurity kills me. The lesson continued:

"You might have found a relationship with true love if:
1. Your relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have never been better.
2. You relationship with parents and family have never been better.
3. Your relationship with friends or buddies is great.
4. Grades have never been better.
5. Never felt so good about yourself. Even when you are with and away from your companion."

Intriguing ...

I know this is not a sure-fire list, but it gives food for thought. So, I ponder on it. Even tonight as I chew on it, I think about people who have come into my life that fit parts of this list. The first one that comes to mind if E.

While we only dated a short while, he fills the majority of this list. When I was with him and his kids, I felt spiritually alive, he respected time with friends, he pushed me to be a better student and was there for me when I was on overkill and needed a second opinion, and every time I was with him I felt like the most important, beautiful person. And he told me too.

Trevor perhaps fills the square for #1. He and I had spiritual conversations constantly. Because of him, I dug into the gospel and he challenged me in a good way. I need that. While we didn't see eye-to-eye on everything, we were able to talk about anything that came up in a civil manner. He was good with family and friends, but they saw things I didn't see at the time.

I can't think of a particular relationship that really fills #2 that well. In my life, I am pretty particular about who I "take home." I am not quite sure why, but it is a big deal for me about who I introduce to my family. And it definitely has to be something special in order for them to meet my dad's side of the family.

#3 is also another struggle for me. I haven't really found someone yet that my friends say, "Yeah, he's worthy." They always tell me I date below myself, that I have yet to find someone that will really be my helpmeet. Although, I am not sure I will find that perfect someone. Even if I did, he wouldn't want an imperfect person like me.

Brother Mueller said something really interesting in regards to this: Attributes are best polished together as husband and wife. Does that mean I am going to marry someone just to find out, to polish?
No. But I know perfection is not attained alone. It will be attained in the process of time as two individuals become one and consequently become one with our Heavenly Father.

light -> light ; truth -> truth ; virtue -> virtue

#4 & #5 E filled completely. I remember our first date vividly. He stared at me all night and just ha this grin on his face. When I asked him why, he said, "Your eyes sparkle in the candle light and you are just so beautiful." Never before had I had someone say that to me so sincerely. And like I mentioned before, whenever we were together he made me feel like I was the most important thing. He wasn't afraid to show me off either.

I know you can't compare one relationship to another because that would mean two people would need to be identical in personalities and other things. But I often think back to previous relationships and I know there are those things I am looking for. If I had them once, I can have them again. I know one day I will find a combination of the right things. But for now, I wait and I look for some other things:

1. Commitment: Do they keep their commitments? Do they maintain a relationship with God and Christ?
2. How do they handle conflict?: Let things go wrong ... How do they deal with "adventure"?
3. Communication: How do they communicate? Do you do things that help you get to know each other? Intimacy is no friend to objectivity.
4. Do they challenge you to be the best you?
5. Does the spirit reside in your relationship? Does it confirm what you are doing?

I don't know my direction right now. But I do know if some things doing change in my life soon, the direction needs to change. I have done all I can think of and nothing seems to be working. I don't want to be on the Fifth Floor. I want to be in a place where I can have everything Heavenly Father has promised me. My Dove wrappers tonight said, "Break the mold." and "Find your passion."

It's your time and it's your life. So, what will you do with it? I know that making the decision and creating an eternal marriage are one of the most important things you will do with your life. It is more than a temple marriage. It will be something lasting and eternal. A kind of love that will endure any kind of trial faced in this life.