Negotiations

I have been thinking about something I said to Trevor last night and I think it rolls over into my personal life.

As I have worked, I have been able to negotiate for the better of what I am doing. I have been able to get what I want for that cause. It was hard, but I always found a way.

In my life, however, I am terrible at negotiating for what I want, for me personally. Maybe perhaps it is because I am not completly sure what I want, or afraid of the impending results. I think this is maybe why I have not actively sought a perminant job, actively persued a relationship or like things.

Boys are one area of my weakness. I get nervous when I am around them. When someone shows interest, I am not sure what to do and I pretty much freeze. I am not sure why. It is even more weird because I do fine in friend situations.

When the challenge comes to talk about things, to continue or not, I usually leave the decisions up to the other people. I allow people to exercise their agency without telling them how I feel. In a way, I guess you could say I don't fight for what I want, personally.

What I cannot predict, or know, scares me. I know I must have the faith to take that step into the dark, but it is easier to say than to do. In my life, I have never really had a functional relationship allowing me the opportunity to get over that hill.