The last few weeks I have been struggling to discover if I am enough. It is mostly in the professional rhelm of my life that I feel the least control. Tears pour from my eyes as I try to put my emotions to words.
A few weeks ago a list was presented to me and it tore me apart inside to know how long the list had been accumulated. In those moments I realized how little confidence was placed in me. My professional ethics were questioned as well as my work ethics, which I have never encountered before. Thankfully I had headed the wise council of my mother to keep track of everything I was doing, especially because I am in new territory.
I think to the young Ammonite warriors. They too were in new territory, doing something they had never done before. The young men had faith that God had prepared them "for such a time as this" (Esther 4:14). Even as they went forth to battle, Helaman recounts "they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them" (Alma 56:47).
I was at the end of my rope yesterday and I lost it. Since that list was presented I have been strung out trying to make sure I am performing up to par. Thankfully someone presented a few things and I regained my composure. No one knows about the list, but it haunts me even in my dreams...
Then I think to Capitan Moroni. He was awesome and inspired so many people. The cool thing, was that he was as old as I am now. He had accomplished so much at his young age, like me; he led people, like me; he was fearless in talking about the gospel, like me; and he even had his weaknesses, like me.
As I reflect on yesterday, I think of when Capitan Moroni was angry and writes to complain to Pahoran. He tells him of all their sufferings and fatigue. He, like me, was at the end of his rope after many years of war.
While this letter could have caused Pahoran to go on the defensive, we get a glimpse at his forgiving and gentle spirit. Knowing the situation Moroni was in and that he did not yet know everything (like me), Pahoran takes the opportunity to teach Moroni, to let him know that he grieves with him. Mostly because he is in the same situation.
Moroni had many great people who taught him, mentors if you will. While I don't have a mentor, there are many great people I have looked up to as they have taken the time to help me understand.
A few weeks ago, I had a 45 minute conversation with someone at work who helped me understand how our finances work and how my proper planning on purchases can benefit our company. Many editors have taken the time to teach me how they think and write (each was different).
This morning I have come to the realization that I have encountered my toughest editor yet. By tough, I mean one that expects perfection the first time around. Rightfully so, he is busy. Although, it is hard when you have something that haunts you and you feel that nothing will ever be perfect enough when you hand it in.
As I sat in the temple the other day, I read Ether 12 and I felt some compassion for Ether and his people. In talking to the Lord, he expressed his concern saying they "will mock at these things, because of our weakness in writing; for Lord, thou hast made us mighty in word by faith, but thou hast not made us mighty in writing... Behold, thou hast not made us mighty in writing like unto the brother of Jared... when we write we behold our weakness, and stumble because of the placing of our words; and I fear lest [they] mock at our words."
I said to myself, "Boy, I sure know how you feel" and let myself get on the wagon of Ether's pitty party. Then, while Ether and I are down in the dumps, the Lord teaches us, "If men (and women) come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
I haven't ever given up on something before, and I don't intend to do so now. As I move forward, the Lord reminds me of words he spoke to me almost ten years ago that there would be many people who would try to destroy me. That very statement solidifies in my mind the trials I have encountered not only in the past and my mission, but now. Every experience I encounter has the opportunity to make me stronger and I know I will be a better employee, leader, family member, and most importantly, person.
There is a reason the Lord led me to where I am now. I think I have figured part of it out, and if His grace is sufficient, I will learn what the other parts are.
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