Past, Present, and Future

I have had a few interesting days. Yesterday I had some great learning moments with Saul, Johnathan, and David. The relationship these three had was not a perfect one, but it was one full of learning moments for all. Johnathan loved David as his own soul while Saul had nothing but fear and envy for David's success (1 Sam. 18). And David had nothing but love for both of them.

There were several attempts by Saul to take David's life; David had at least two opportunities to end being hunted by killing Saul; and yet David still honored Saul's position as King and the Lord's anointed. What made such love and forgiveness possible by David? What made Johnathan so loyal? When we are struggling in life, how is it that we cannot allow our past to determine our present and thereby our future?

This has been a point of rumination this past week as I have struggled to shove past experiences where they belong, in the past. The week came crashing down on me and I felt as if I were drowning in all that was going on. I swam and swam, I tried to save others in the process, but I still felt like I was drowning.

In particular was an experience I had with a boy ... We went out and had a good time and he said he would call, but I never heard from him. Granted, last week was a busy week for both of us. But I figured he would make time if he really wanted to. Nothing ... Then the thoughts came creeping in: "He is just like any other dirt bag you have been out with, or in a relationship with. He will abandon you like everyone else."

My life has not been filled with the greatest examples of the male species in the relationship department. I have every clinical reason to be depressed, messed up more than I am, etc. As a result I have built a hard shell and become a very independent person. Who needs a guy when I have been able to do it on my own all these years? I realized tonight in talking with a wonderful friend that I still have a guard wall. As much as I want to let someone in, "I" am still independent, "I" can take care of myself, and "I" am not going to let someone in who will just leave me.

In order to truly open our heart to the future, we must sever our ties with the past. This doesn't mean we need to forget where we came from, or the experiences that made us, but we do need to let it go so we can build a new future. There are many experiences that serve as a wonderful foundation, but the bricks with cracks and weaknesses need to be rooted out. If we are to build a sure foundation, it cannot have vulnerable stones.

Even my leadership is about "me" ... For so long "I" have had to do many things on my own, or "I" save them from failure. But this is a time of teaching for me and "I" need to learn to step back and share in lessons. Not everything can be saved, but we can learn from our mistakes in love. Seeing a more clear path in front of me has given me new direction, and hopefully a greater sense of love for those with whom I serve. We all have so much we can teach each other and "I" am grateful for this opportunity.

The future is bright. The future is as bright as we allow it to be. However, if it is marred from past experiences then we are fighting a battle against ourselves. Yes, it requires we open our hearts. Yes, that means they will probably get broken or at least experience some level of pain. Yes, opening our heart deems letting go of the past.

It is only through letting go of those things in our past that mar us that we will truly be able to grab hold of the future. I liken it to the Lesson in Marble:

When you look at a marble egg, what do you see? What makes it beautiful is not that it is free from imperfections. If it were clear and white, with no flaws, it would look plastic and artificial. The marble is beautiful because of the dark veins, not in spite of them. Our memories are past, but some will linger like the dark lines. However, as we keep our covenants and experience the sanctifying power of the Spirit, it is as if those dark lines are polished over time. And they actually become part of our beauty.

Our past has its marks of beauty; it also has its marks of not so much beauty. One day we too will be beautiful just like the polished marble. It won't be because of the dark and jagged memories, but because we are willing to let Christ and the Holy Ghost sanctify and polish them (The Continuous Atonement, p. 193-194).

While we may want to do things on our own, we won't be able to do an effective job. Pushing the Lord's extended hand aside is like telling him no thanks for His Atonement on our behalf. Accepting His sacrifice on my behalf means opening my heart, it means growing, it means stretching, it means forgiving, and most of all it means loving everyone regardless of the situation.

I think of one of my favorite songs as of late ... I have the video posted below, but here are the lyrics:

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my house guests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling gray. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream