Love Deep : Hurt Deep

"What is it about love that makes us so stupid??"

~Francis

It's 1 a.m. I stare at the screen. There are so many things I want to say. But all I do is sound like a whiny little girl and say things that are hurting you. 

All I really want to say is, "I love you" and to hear it back.



But I'm afraid. I don't want to push. It fell apart for a reason.

At least that is what I tell myself. It's supposed to help me feel better, right? All the pain and emptiness will dissipate when I understand that is how it is.


My dear friend once told me, "Because you love deep, you hurt deep." It is one of the 10 things I know about life. A writing topic I am not sure I can adequately express. But I have been thinking about it for more than a week and I must write it out, whether it's well done or not. 


Last night my former bishop came over and we were talking about life. I talked to him about everything except "him". But then he asked. He always knows what to ask.


I fought back the tears as I told him it had fallen apart. It was the first time I allowed myself to really feel any emotion over it. I really just wanted all the pain to flood out of my eyes and be done with it. But I am not so sure it is that easy.


Special people who come into our lives are not a dime a dozen. They are a treasure to be cherished and safe-guarded. Perhaps I was frivolous with my gift.


In my short years on this planet, I have never loved so deep and been so sure about someone being in my future. Even though he is not technically a part of my life, I think about him every day. I pray for him. He is the first person I want to tell about anything that goes on in my life. 


I think to one of my favorite contemporary authors in college. In the book The Notebook there is an exchange I identify with:

Young Noah: You're bored Allie. You're bored and you know it. You wouldn't be here if there wasn't something missing.
Young Allie: You arrogant son of a bitch.
Young Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Young Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'
Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Young Allie: So what?
Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.
Young Allie: What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.
Young Noah: Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?
Young Allie: It's not that simple.
Young Noah: What... do... you... want? Whaddaya want?
Young Allie: I have to go now.

I know what I want. But it isn't my choice. Not entirely anyway. But it doesn't matter in the end. You have ruined me. I will never be the same. And I don't want to be the same. I just want to be with you and to love you. In the end, I want to keep loving you deeply.

You are worth the fight and sacrifice. You are my media naranja.