When do things change?

"Enough! This is not dating! I want moonlight and flowers and candy and people trying to feel me up. Nobody is trying to feel me up. Nobody is even looking at me... Do the two of you have any idea of how much effort it takes to do all of this? I'm waxed and plucked and I have a clean top on... No talking until one of you figures out how to put on a date. I want heat, I want romance, damnit I want to feel like a freaking lady!"
- Meradith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

Elle and I had an interesting conversation yesterday.

I was driving home from Logan after watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition demolish a house. She called me for one thing and we talked about another.

When you are with someone, what happens to going out on a date? Things normally start off good when people are figuring out if they like the other person or not. To woo that person, there is dating, semi-deep conversations, etc. Then as things progress, the dating is exchanged for a thing called "hanging out." Such an activity results in things like this, this, and this. Not that any of these things are bad, however you will notice none of these activities are lending to pairing off and conversing.

One of my favorite CES Fireside talks came when I was seeing a boy who seemed to think that dating wasn't necessary for us because we had been together for so long. It was such a disfunctional, non-progressive situation and there were many times I wanted to scream because there wasn't dating, which to me is a sign that you want to do something out of the ordinary and spend some quality time together.

By quality time, I mean going out and doing something together that you both enjoy. It doesn't have to cost a dime, but you are learning about each other and sharing your lives and interests.

I believe that if you fall out of the habit of going out on dates when you are in a relationship, you will not carry that into your marriage. If this practice is not carried into a marriage, the relationship will become stagnant and will be heading for trouble.

In The Dedication of a Lifetime Elder Dallin H. Oaks said:
"Knowledgeable observers report that dating has nearly disappeared from college campuses and among young adults generally. It has been replaced by something called "hanging out" ... Unlike hanging out, dating it not a team sport. Dating is pairing off to experience the kind of one-on-one association and temporary commitment that can lead to marriage, in some rare and treasured cases ... Marriage is not a group activity - at least not until the children come along in goodly numbers."

Elder Oaks then goes on to talk about some contributing factors of the extinction of dating.

1. The cultural tides in our world run strongly against commitments in family relationships ... Whatever draws us away from commitments weakens our capacity to participate in the plan. Dating involves commitments, if only for a few hours. Hanging out requires no commitments ...

2. The leveling effect of the women's movement has contributed to discourage dating. Women have become more aggressive and some men have become reluctant to ask girls out on dates.

3. Hanging out is glamorized on TV programs about singles.

4. The meaning and significance of a "date" has also changed in such a way as to price dating out of the market ... The more elaborate and expensive the date, the fewer dates. As dates become fewer and more elaborate, this seems to create an expectation that a date implies seriousness or continuing commitment.
"Gone is the clumsy and inexpensive phone call your parents and grandparents and I used to make. That call went something like this: "What're ya doing tonight? How about a movie?" Or, "How about tkaing a walk downtown?" Cheap dates like that can be frequent and nonthreatening, since they don't seem to imply a continuing commitment ...
"The old-fashioned date was a wonderful way to get aquainted with a member of the opposite sex. It encouraged conversation. It allowed you to see how you treat others and how you are treated in a one-on-one situation. It gave opportunities to learn how to initiate and sustain a mature relationship. None of that happens in hanging out."

As girls, our expecations are not high that we always do something that costs money or that requires something extravagant.

I remember one of my favorite dates. It happened in September (yes, I have gone out on one somewhat recently) and I had no idea what we would be doing. We drove to the top of a mountain and cooked dinner over a Coleman stove. It was simple and fun. I had a good time and it was quite the adventure. In fact, all of my dates that I have enjoyed most have been simple and fun.

"Young women, resist too much hanging out, and encourage dates that are simple, inexpensive, and frequent. Don't make it easy for young men to hang out in a setting where you women provide the food. Don't subsidize freeloaders. An occasional group activity is okay, but when you see men who make hanging out their primary interaction with the opposite sex, I think you should lock the pantry and bolt the front door.
"If you do this, you should also hang out a sign, "Will open for individual dates," or something like that. And, young women, please make it easier for these shy males to ask for a simple, inexpensive date."

As Meradith put it so well, "I'm waxed and plucked and I have a clean top on... No talking until one of you figures out how to put on a date. I want heat, I want romance, damnit I want to feel like a freaking lady!"