Insecurities

I don't like not knowing where I am with people. I struggle with insecurities when I don't know. Tonight a friend said something to me (in a laughing manner) and it brought back some feelings that I had previously pushed away into some crevis.

I dated this boy for a long time and I wasn't ever secure in the fact that we were dating because I was always introduced as a "friend." He was flirtatious with other girls I didn't know and that was hard for me.

I stayed pretty secure in the times he would tell me I was beautiful, but even that wasn't a lot. It was hard because the way he looked at other chicks and talked about their "attributes" made me feel inferior... And one day I found out why because of a comment that was never meant for my eyes.

In that moment I can't even describe my feelings. I felt like everything that was previously said lost it's meaning.

That's when things dove into a black abyss at lightening speed. Things were already going downhill and I tried to hide from it. Maybe that was the Lord's way, very painful way, of hitting me upside the head.

I still question things. People make comments and I just brush them off because I wonder if they really mean it, or if they are just saying it... Did he ever mean it even though he "wasn't as attracted" as he wanted to be to me???

Lani said something the other night when I was so sick. It is one of the few things I remember, I think mostly because I felt the Spirit. She looked me directly in the eyes and said, "I don't know why people can't see what a diamond you are. There is so much they are missing."

I want someone to share my life with, but I only want it knowing that I am the only person they see. I only want to share if they will share with me. I only want it if I can feel the same spirit I did with Lani and the words she spoke.

I don't want to be second guessing myself around other chicks.