It’s Christmas morning and I‘m awake at 6 a.m. I sit here thinking about the events that have been happening in the last few weeks of my life. Some of them are happy and some of them are sad.
About a week ago I had a former co-worker commit suicide. He was one of the happiest people I knew and always had such a positive outlook on life. There was really no rhyme or reason.
When I got a phone call telling me, I broke down and cried. I couldn’t understand… I cried like I haven’t cried in a long time. My heart was broken. I am grateful to a friend of mine who followed the spirit and just came over. It was a hug that I needed and I just sobbed until I fell asleep.
I’m not exactly sure why it tore me up. But in talking to my mom she quoted a line from a the hymn “Lord, I Would Follow Thee.” Sometimes there is “Sorrow that the eyes can’t see.” We don’t understand and we won’t understand in this life. All we know it that there was something that was bigger than they were and their pain was greater than their ability to cope.
On the flip side of that sadness, there have been some happy events. I finished my first semester of graduate school with a 4.0. I have learned a lot from my classes, much of wish I had known previously in my life. But I have to keep reminding myself that there is a time and a season for everything.
I am looking forward to the upcoming semesters and all that I have to learn and to share. It’s a funny thing, because I’m not exactly sure what I am going to do with it. There are some things that are pulling me different ways, but I guess we’ll see what the Lord has in store for me down the road.
One of the more recent developments in my life has pulled a lot of attention. It makes me laugh really. But I have been dating someone and he is amazing. I don’t know how to put it in to words really.
From the first time we met, it was like an instant connection. It’s not really something I can put words to. On our first date we sat and talked at the restaurant until 11 p.m. I have to admit that the way he would look at me made me really uncomfortable at first, mostly because I wasn’t used to it.
I thought maybe it was something to do with a first date, because I have had some “good” first dates that go now where. But he asked me out again, and again, and again. Sometimes I ask myself if this is all real. It’s exciting and scary all at the same time.
This whole two-sided relationship thing is fairly new to me. I’m having to learn to trust, to open my heart, and to share all over again. He is a patient man and will just sit and listen to me sometimes, and I’ll do the same for him. I just have to watch myself so I don’t do what I have conveniently done in the past: sabotage.
I have watched my mom go through four marriages. She has finally found herself a good one on the fourth go-around. I know that I only get one shot at what I really want, and I don’t want to make the wrong decision… I think I already have an answer, but I also have a lot of noise going on around me, which makes it hard. I’m just trying to make sense of everything and enjoy the time I have to learn.
In my scripture study I have been looking up scriptures about love. The Topical Guide has almost two pages of scripture references to the word love. I am not exactly sure what I was looking for, but one of the resounding themes I have found is that as we love God with everything we have, we will be able to open our hearts and love others with that same love.
This love will allow us to see people around us as God sees his children, which will make it easier to love those who hate us. At this time there is someone who I don’t particularly have much Christlike love for and it’s easy to get upset and be mad at how she treats the people I love. Sitting here, I realize that I am the only one with power over how I feel. She goes on in life and doesn’t realize how frustrated she makes the rest of us…
In Deuteronomy 30 we learn that scattered Israel will be gathered in as they remember their covenant with God. We are taught that as we love, we will live, “The Lord they God will circumcise thine heart, and the heart of thy seed, to love the Lord thy god with all thine heart, and with all thine soul, that thou mayest live… thou shalt return and obey the voice of the Lord, and do all his commandments… the Lord thy God will make thee plenteous in every work of thine hand, in the fruit of thy body… That thou mayest love the Lord thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him: for he is thy life and the length of thy days…”
I love my Heavenly Father. I love my older brother Jesus Christ. I love the Gospel. They have opened my eyes to “see” and they have helped to not only open, but to heal my wounded heart. Now, I want to make sure I don’t mis-step in loving someone else for the wrong reason.
Like my mother, I want to help everyone. I want to make things better for them. But I know if you build a relationship on that it will only end in unhappiness… I have seen it, and I have experienced it. My family and certain people around me know how I am and have all let me know it. Which only adds to the noise in my head…
All I know is how I feel and that he is still there even after I open parts of myself to him. Mary, mother of Jesus, taught me an important lesson. When she learned she was with child, she pondered the things in her heart. For now, perhaps I need to stop talking and thinking so much and just ponder. It is in the quiet moments that my Heavenly Father is able to tutor me and give me the peace I need in my life.
So, as I prepare to celebrate with my family on a white Christmas day in St. George, I will take more time to listen and to ponder. I will take time to enjoy my family and the spirit I feel in my life, and how happy he makes me daily.
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