Raw Emotion

It's 5 a.m. I tap on the keyboard senselessly working to bring a ken to my mind of the events in the last week. Silly, silly girl ...

In many ways I feel like I'm standing on the Fifth Floor considering the "sign." Do I really ask too much? Am I hard on those with whom I associate with? Am I really that "high maintenance"?

Last week I sent a text message to someone that perhaps should have been a fact-to-face conversation. But previous to doing so I had a conversation with my bishop who shared some principles with me, and the wheels started to turn.

The conversation was about relationships we have with people, and we weren't even talking about romantic relationships necessarily. But he said that people have different speeds that they move at when forming a relationship with someone. While some attach to people quickly, others take a while. Then he shared a scenario with me to prove a point about how friendship and knowing someone is so important in a romantic relationship. It goes something like this:

A woman comes home and there is a big gouge down the side of the car. When the husband comes out, he sees the car and immediately asks his wife, "Honey, what happened? Are you okay?" He proceeds to ask more questions, but his biggest concern is for the welfare of his wife. All of this while looking at the side of the car.

He doesn't demean the woman, but instead seeks for understanding. Part of this process occurs because his relationship with his wife was based on a friendship that turned to love. Because there is a relationship of trust, he knows she would never do anything to intentionally hurt him, her, or anyone else.

On the flip side of that coin, the wife comes home in the same scenario and the husband flips out. He starts making assumptions that she has backed into a pole again, that whatever happened was all her fault, and the insanity goes on. This is an example of a relationship that has no foundation of friendship and / or trust. He immediately jumps down the woman's throat before she even gets a chance to explain what has happened.


I chewed and chewed on it. Then it came to me! I had to ask.

The person who I asked didn't respond for a day, and when I got the response I was floored. They said they felt belittled and insulted in the way I chose to ask my question. I responded that it wasn't meant to do that, and that I was merely curious. In that I said I was sorry they took it so negatively.

Again, nothing for another three days.

In the process I talked with some people vaguely about my experience and asked them what their reaction to my question and the way I asked it would have been. For the most part, these guys wouldn't have cared. I did get a few back who said they would have been upset, mostly because I called them out about something and their ego was bruised.

So, I proceeded to detach. I thought to myself, "If this person can't be enough of a grown-up to communicate with me, even to say they needed some space or time to process, I can't do this; and I'm not going to do this." I walked away.

Then I get a message, "Can we talk?" Really?? No! We cannot talk! I'm done! All of these things are going through my head and I'm really frustrated at this point. Apart from the fact that I was freezing my tail off at a track meet and already aggravated over some things going on there. It took me a minute, but I responded that I couldn't until later because of where I was.

Well, I left the meet with just enough time to get home, shower, and run to Stake Conf. What a great meeting! Apart from the fact that there was this dynamic young man who spoke and I haven't heard a testimony come from a young man like that in so long! Sitting there, I ruminated over things that I am looking for and the power that came from his mouth is something I would like to find one day.

At the end of the meeting I saw him. He saw me and walked away from me. Didn't even say hi. Seriously? You want to talk and you are going to walk away? Fine. Detachment continues.

Our group of friends goes to dinner and yogurt after. I decided he isn't going to ruin my night, so I be nice to him. But I'm still bugged, which people said was apparent ... Everyone was at my house after and I stayed downstairs to give him an opportunity. Nope, he went home.

Church the next day (it was his birthday) saw him from afar. Again, he walked away. Later I told him I left his present on his front door. He seemed to be upset that I would leave it there when he wasn't home. Then he invited me for dinner ...

Do I go? Do I stay home? Do I be nice? ... I went. It was awkward.

Then I didn't really hear anything from him again until Wednesday when he asked me out on a date via text message ... I told him our group of friends was planning something Friday and I was going to be at the ranch on Saturday. Again, didn't hear anything back from him. On Thursday we had a semi-normal conversation, but I couldn't think about him.

Thursday was the day! The culmination of 2.5 years of hard work. He knew what was happening and didn't say anything about it. I was giving my orals, the defense, of my Master's Project. Honestly, I didn't know what to expect. So I read over my paper. Prepared myself for questions and rested.

The time passed so quickly and before I knew it, it was time to call! Thankfully I called in a little early and found out I was supposed to speak for 8-10 minutes about my project. Oh, dear! At this point I am quickly gathering information together in my head of what I can talk about for 8-10 minutes.

Oh gosh! What do I need? What don't I need? I'm going to sound like a moron! They are never going to let me finish! What a perfect culmination to everything I have been going though >_<

On the conference call, I rambled for the time and actually pushed beyond 10 minutes. I was grateful to the grace of God that allowed words to flow from my mouth in some comprehensible form. I really didn't feel that great about it and I felt like a moron stumbling over words.

But why should I feel that way when I have had a sordid relationship with this project for nearly the last year of my life. In a way, it felt like many of my romantic relationships. I got excited about it, worked with it, gave it time and attention. Then when I was to the point of really committing and getting it finished, I let it slip. It was there, but I didn't continue to show it the same attention.

Barriers came into my life. Another boy who turned my world upside down, literally and figuratively. In many ways, my life will unfortunately never be the same. I allowed him to take things from me I will never have again. My relationship with my paper again suffered because I allowed this other person to take my time and attention.

After experiencing my own private hell, struggling with knowing if I was good enough for anything, and wondering if God even loved me anymore, I decided to pick myself up off the floor. I stumbled a few more times, but I finally let go of the person who would have forever kept me from my dreams and moved on to the Man who would help me fulfill every dream I have.

This last person came into my life about the time I was making my decision to move on. He did all the little things I look for. He payed attention to small hints I gave (like giving me tulips for Valentines Day), helped clean up when I had people over (even if it was taking out the trash), and he has a good grasp on the gospel.

I began to work furtively on my paper, handing it in again just after Valentine's Day. Again, my paper was held hostage for another month. In this time I was not only struggling with wanting to complete one item and move on, but with my expanding relationship with this other person. Again, everything seemed to be crumbling below me.

Then the e-mail came. Our HR Director sent out a letter stating that all lane changes needed to be turned in my April 15. If they were not finalized by then, people would have to wait until Oct. 1.

Fire!

I wasn't going to wait until October. My mind suddenly went into crisis mode and I began to go into crisis mode. This paper had to get done and I was going to make the deadline that was six weeks out.

And as they say, when it rains it pours. But if anything I was determined to finish this paper and move the iron out of my fire. I was put off, but I fought to finish. It was frustrating, but I am grateful for the experience.

My life is supposed to experience some measure of peace at this point, but the only thing that seems to be happening is that it is falling apart into shambles. Stupid boys. Silly people who try to push me aside. 

As I started to pick up the pieces of my life and Mending my broken heart, my Heavenly Father blessed me with people and an open mind to help me push through and finish. I got everything done amidst all the other struggles I was having.

Now that I am done, I really don't know what to do with myself. I thought perhaps this person would fill in that space, but they have not done so. Which is perhaps the reason I asked my question about attachment. Even still I have had to learn in the past week or two that I need to rely on other sources to fill my time.

It is time for me to find out who I really am. There are so many things I love about life and perhaps the two that draw me most near at this point are the gospel and going to school. School has been what has defined my life for a great measure of my time on earth. And I have decided to go to more starting in the Fall, even perhaps this summer.

There are many things in my life I cannot control, or do anything about. But I know I have command over my testimony and my education as a woman. A man does not make me who I am, he will add someday to who I am. I know what I deserve even though for a while I perhaps thought that I lost all my blessings.

God is mindful of us and the only way we will lose our blessings in heaven is if we turn our back on Him. Sometimes I struggle with detachment and I even opened myself to this person again last night, and it only resulted in more non-communication. I fell asleep resolved that this person did not want to resolve the previous strain of communication and they are not interested in being a part of my life.

But I know I will be blessed with a man who will love me, want to be with me, and who will talk to me (even if it is to say I need some man cave time). I know there is a man out there with a burning testimony that will come from the depths of his soul. There is someone who will be the kind of man I can see a whole world of potential with, and who I know will gain that as we progress together toward becoming One.

My emotions sit at the surface right now as I struggle to make sense of the things going on in my life. Am I not communicating enough with this person? Too much? Am I needy? Am I really that "high maintenance?

So, I go to that place of my heritage to think. I am heading south for the Easter weekend. It will be a chance for me to think about new life, starting over, and moving forward with the fresh life. I leave doors open if someone wants to walk through it, but I have to move forward with my life.