Used to the Pain

I have taken some great strides in the past few weeks and I am happy to say that I am becoming a stronger person because of it.

It all started a few weeks ago when I was cleaning. I decided it was time to get to the boxes I had been ignoring for two months. As I began to sort through things, I found items that I had been holding on to. There wasn't any real reason other than it was part of what I was holding on to inside that prevented me from giving my whole heart.

There were photos of Chris, Anthony, Vance, and Trevor; letters from Kyle and Vance; stuffed animals from Adam and who knows who else. I thought about keeping them for about two seconds before they found their way into my trash box.

It felt so good to 'let those things go.' In a sense it was the beginning of my healing process. It was the beginning of everything else.

Over the past few weeks my best friend has been slipping away as he has found his own way to heal. Honestly, I never thought it would all happen like this. I thought we would always stay best friends and talk about everything like we have for the last 1.5 years. But I find myself divulging more in an effort to hang on to the friendship, and him walking away more and more.

It has been a great pain to my soul, but I read something today that put some antiseptic into my wound. The quote is more about relationships, but I believe it can be applied to our friendships as well:

"This partner you believe you love should not be coerced or forced in any way to continue if she or he does not want to continue. Even if the emotional hurt you feel is strong, you need to back off, not try to hurt the partner back in some way, and allow yourself time to heal."

For so long I have been forcing the issue (so to say). I have been so unfair to those around me in failing to see what is so obvious to them.

The quote also applies to our relationships with ourselves. Even if the emotional hurt is strong, we have to let go of those things that are holding us back from greater blessings. When we look in the mirror, we need to want to be with the person we see. If we do not want to be with ourselves, then how can we let someone else in?

While I feel I have been left alone, I really haven't. There are people who will come and go from my life, but one thing will always be constant: Heavenly Father's love for me.

"Breaking up is not the end of the world. Great learning and maturity can come from surviving a premarital breakup. If on initiates or goes through a breakup with as much Christlike behavior and feelings as possible, and allows himself or herself to be healed by the peace of the Spirit, that person is then more ready to move on to a relationship that can result in an eternal marriage — but not too quickly, mind you."

When I was working, I was running from having to settle with these feelings. It was easy to get lost in something else and not worry that everything was crumbling to pieces around me. But these last two days, I have not had to go to work and I have had all these feelings bombard me.

I was angry that my best friend was leaving me and being a punk. I was lonely because it seems everyone around me is finding someone. I was hurt that part of my belief system was ridiculed in public. I was embarrassed because a boy that may be a potential was part of that ridicule. My once firm foundation feels more like a shaky tightrope.

For so long I have been like the disciples in the fourteenth chapter of Matthew, when a storm arose on the Sea of Galilee and the ship was "tossed with waves; for the wind was contrary." In the midst of their anxiety, the disciples looked toward the shore and a being, a ghost, an apparition, was seen walking directly toward them.

This only increased their panic, and they began to cry out in fear. But it was Christ walking on the water toward them. "Be of good cheer," he called out. "It is I; be not afraid." He was coming to help in their moment of need, and they, misunderstanding, were fleeing.

In my attitude of misunderstanding, I have been walking away from opportunities to be spiritually healed. As my boat is tossed on the waves, I have not looked to the one person who can calm the waves with His words.

So, today I determined that I am going to let me healing begin and I am going to let go of those things that I thought were helping me; but in reality, they were only causing me more pain. I sheepishly am starting to take the bricks down that I thought were going to protect me.

C.S. Lewis wrote:

"The work of devils and of darkness is never more certain to be defeated than when men and women, not finding it easy or pleasant but still determined to do the Father's will, look out upon their lives from which it may seem every trace of God has vanished, and asking why they have been so forsaken, still bow their heads and obey."

I am not yet perfect, but I am starting somewhere. My life is no longer my own, but a trust in God that he will shape me into the servant He needs me to be. There are people I have been called to watch over and there is not enough time to wallow in self-pity.

"Sit back and let the Spirit work."