Yesterday You Said Tomorrow

This has been my life for the last while ... I believe I first saw this image on Pinterest. It was powerful and relevant to my life. There are few things I have started in the last while that I have not finished, because I messed up, or my desire for something else was greater than my end goal, etc. I tell myself I can start again tomorrow. Sometimes I do, lately I have not ... Tomorrow has not existed for me because I am either busy beating myself up, or I am indulging in what I set out to give up and change.

I have been asking myself why I suck at life; seeking an answer as to my weakness; wondering why I cannot have the patience to endure and realize my end goal. The past two years of my life have been rough. In my life I have endured tragedy of personal proportions. But I have never done anything like what I did while figuring out my marriage and if it would last or not.

A year ago, I began running. Those who knew me growing up understood that running and I were NOT besties. I would swim across any body of water you challenged me to; bike any trail/road you plotted; you want  me to throw something? OK. Oh, running? NO. But, thank you for the offer ;)

I watched my sister train for half marathons and marathons. Each time she ran, I cried with awe and amazement at her accomplishment. She is incredible. Then I thought of all the excuses as to why that couldn't be me one day.

- I'm overweight
- My knees are not in good shape
- I have never run farther than a 10k
- I have asthma
- There is no way I can do something consistently for 4.5 hrs!
- Etc, etc, etc.

Then a message came ... I need one more person for our Ogden Marathon lottery. Sure! I never get picked for anything. I'll say yes because my friend needed help, and help is my middle name. After I signed up, I didn't think anything of it until the e-mail came ... "Congratulations! Your team has been selected."

*face palm*

Now I have to get training ... half marathon ... 13.1 miles ... ugh ... this will be twice as far as I have EVER run in my life!

So, I signed up for the Strider's Winter Racing Circuit. I got involved in a group called #tmfit. My personal life was falling apart, so all of this fit in perfectly. I needed a reason to focus somewhere else. Basically I needed an out for my hurt, anger, pain, fear, feeling of inadequacy, etc.

So, I began to run. I collaborated with my group. Someone held me accountable. Success. I accomplished my goals.

Summer came and went. My house was finally sold. With the help of my family, I moved out and shoved everything into 1.5 storage sheds, then moved into a bedroom in my mom's house. My body collapsed. I slept until sometimes 9/10 a.m. for weeks. This was particularly odd for me since 7 a.m. is sleeping in for me.

I couldn't bring myself to move back in with my now ex-husband. It was the strangest feeling. He was my husband. What was wrong with me?!? I should have wanted to be back with him. But I couldn't.

The last year has been one of the most heart wrenching years of my life, with the year before that coming in a close second. Never have I cried so much before (also something that is abnormal for me). With my emotions comes something else. It is an addiction I have battled all my life: food.

Yes, I have an addiction to food. It is my emotional comfort blanket. Ever since I was a little girl, I have eaten junk to soothe my pain/loneliness. On top of that, it was also social for me. That was how my mother's ex-husband communicated: through food. I am not sure if he ever knew how else to get people to hang out with him. So, for 16 years of my life eating out was our family communication/hang-out. Food was how Steve expressed his love/friendship.

When I finally turned in my divorce papers, I felt it would all be over. WRONG! The pain of learning how to heal was only beginning. After, I began to not feel liberated, but like an uber crappy human being ... again. My marriage was supposed to be forever. F-O-R-V-E-V-E-R! But ... I am now divorced.

So ... to soothe the pain of feeling like a failure at marriage and life, I began to eat. I didn't just eat, I ATE. And then I became angry, and ate some more ... I gained in the neighborhood of 20lbs eating junk and drinking crap. I slacked off going to CrossFit, so I was making a charitable donation to my gym for about 3-4 months.

My gym started Whole30. I thought that would be awesome. Nope. There was no accountability for me but a calendar that hung on a wall. Whoever was in charge wasn't aware I was participating because I received no information. I didn't finish.

The new year started, I planned to start in February to make my goal by my birthday. Nope. Didn't finish Whole30 ... again ... Fail.

Are you noticing a pattern here? I suck at life. At least that is how I feel right now and have for a few years now. I don't finish things. At least not when I am not accountable to anyone.

My CrossFit Box started 'Spring Cleaning'. I signed up. But again, I didn't hear anything back. I asked myself If I was going to make it. I started ... N-O-P-E!

It was a matter of five weeks before I would run my first FULL marathon. My training was crappy. Not even that was enough to motivate me into eating/training better. The only thing I have going for me right now is mental stubbornness.

So, the last six months or so I have been asking myself, when will I be ready to make the change? When will I commit and complete?? When will it be important to me?

The heartbreaking answer: I don't know. But right now, I am working on little things. When I am ready, I will attack it like a CrossFit workout.

This emotional life

Liz Gilbert, author of Eat Pray Love, shares a metaphor for life, love, and our need to be close. It comes from German philosopher Shopenhauer who many deam as a pessimist. While I don't totally agree, I believe there is a certain element of truth.

Sometimes we are porcupines and we do need to huddle together for warmth in this strange, unforgiving, cruel world. But whether purposefully or not, we may prick one another. It is learning this "dance" that Gilbert talks about. We can live together, provide warmth for one another, and not poke on another.

There are many experiences in my life I believe I can associate with this metaphor. In my life I have poked both on purpose and accidentally. I hope that those I have pushed away have / will forgive me. These many years later I am more wise than I was when I was a child. I look back with sorrow for the many opportunities I may have missed out on because of my hard heart.

Thankfully, I have not gone too many years realizing my need for human interaction. I need the warmth from others. I need that association. And I think that is the reason we all, in one form or another, reach out no matter what the potential of getting pricked is.

Eat Pray Love

I found this video today. It occurred by accident, but perhaps it was something that I needed to experience.


This whole week I have been buried in my paper, and rightfully so. I finally found a direction and I am running toward it at full speed. But I am also paying a price. My body is tired and I am feeling sick. But today, with half of my paper down, I am starting to feel a little better. 


Perhaps in life we spend too much time doing what it is we think others want us to do. Or we think we will become content with our lives at some point and time. But will those things really bring us happiness?


I find that when I go back to basics, is when I find myself again. When I let go of what others want from me and go for what I want, I find the girl inside. In order to find balance, we must find ourselves. 


The journey to finding self is different for everyone. For some it is long. For others it is short. But if we stay on the path, we will find ourselves. 


There are others still who say that self is created, not found. I agree with them, but I also believe that journey to create involves some finding. In the movie Eat Pray Love one of the characters tells Liz that if she wants to get to the castle, she has to swim the mote. And who knows what is in the water of that mote ... But how bad do you want the castle? 


Henry David Thoreau is one of my heroes. He embodies finding simplicity in life. He sold everything he had and went to live in the middle of the woods. "I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."

Perhaps some day I will be as brave as he, or as brave as Liz. But for now, I relish in finding simplicity and marking things off my bucket list one day at a time. For now, I relish in finding myself and perhaps sharing a little of my journey along the way.

Eat Pray Love