Yesterday You Said Tomorrow

This has been my life for the last while ... I believe I first saw this image on Pinterest. It was powerful and relevant to my life. There are few things I have started in the last while that I have not finished, because I messed up, or my desire for something else was greater than my end goal, etc. I tell myself I can start again tomorrow. Sometimes I do, lately I have not ... Tomorrow has not existed for me because I am either busy beating myself up, or I am indulging in what I set out to give up and change.

I have been asking myself why I suck at life; seeking an answer as to my weakness; wondering why I cannot have the patience to endure and realize my end goal. The past two years of my life have been rough. In my life I have endured tragedy of personal proportions. But I have never done anything like what I did while figuring out my marriage and if it would last or not.

A year ago, I began running. Those who knew me growing up understood that running and I were NOT besties. I would swim across any body of water you challenged me to; bike any trail/road you plotted; you want  me to throw something? OK. Oh, running? NO. But, thank you for the offer ;)

I watched my sister train for half marathons and marathons. Each time she ran, I cried with awe and amazement at her accomplishment. She is incredible. Then I thought of all the excuses as to why that couldn't be me one day.

- I'm overweight
- My knees are not in good shape
- I have never run farther than a 10k
- I have asthma
- There is no way I can do something consistently for 4.5 hrs!
- Etc, etc, etc.

Then a message came ... I need one more person for our Ogden Marathon lottery. Sure! I never get picked for anything. I'll say yes because my friend needed help, and help is my middle name. After I signed up, I didn't think anything of it until the e-mail came ... "Congratulations! Your team has been selected."

*face palm*

Now I have to get training ... half marathon ... 13.1 miles ... ugh ... this will be twice as far as I have EVER run in my life!

So, I signed up for the Strider's Winter Racing Circuit. I got involved in a group called #tmfit. My personal life was falling apart, so all of this fit in perfectly. I needed a reason to focus somewhere else. Basically I needed an out for my hurt, anger, pain, fear, feeling of inadequacy, etc.

So, I began to run. I collaborated with my group. Someone held me accountable. Success. I accomplished my goals.

Summer came and went. My house was finally sold. With the help of my family, I moved out and shoved everything into 1.5 storage sheds, then moved into a bedroom in my mom's house. My body collapsed. I slept until sometimes 9/10 a.m. for weeks. This was particularly odd for me since 7 a.m. is sleeping in for me.

I couldn't bring myself to move back in with my now ex-husband. It was the strangest feeling. He was my husband. What was wrong with me?!? I should have wanted to be back with him. But I couldn't.

The last year has been one of the most heart wrenching years of my life, with the year before that coming in a close second. Never have I cried so much before (also something that is abnormal for me). With my emotions comes something else. It is an addiction I have battled all my life: food.

Yes, I have an addiction to food. It is my emotional comfort blanket. Ever since I was a little girl, I have eaten junk to soothe my pain/loneliness. On top of that, it was also social for me. That was how my mother's ex-husband communicated: through food. I am not sure if he ever knew how else to get people to hang out with him. So, for 16 years of my life eating out was our family communication/hang-out. Food was how Steve expressed his love/friendship.

When I finally turned in my divorce papers, I felt it would all be over. WRONG! The pain of learning how to heal was only beginning. After, I began to not feel liberated, but like an uber crappy human being ... again. My marriage was supposed to be forever. F-O-R-V-E-V-E-R! But ... I am now divorced.

So ... to soothe the pain of feeling like a failure at marriage and life, I began to eat. I didn't just eat, I ATE. And then I became angry, and ate some more ... I gained in the neighborhood of 20lbs eating junk and drinking crap. I slacked off going to CrossFit, so I was making a charitable donation to my gym for about 3-4 months.

My gym started Whole30. I thought that would be awesome. Nope. There was no accountability for me but a calendar that hung on a wall. Whoever was in charge wasn't aware I was participating because I received no information. I didn't finish.

The new year started, I planned to start in February to make my goal by my birthday. Nope. Didn't finish Whole30 ... again ... Fail.

Are you noticing a pattern here? I suck at life. At least that is how I feel right now and have for a few years now. I don't finish things. At least not when I am not accountable to anyone.

My CrossFit Box started 'Spring Cleaning'. I signed up. But again, I didn't hear anything back. I asked myself If I was going to make it. I started ... N-O-P-E!

It was a matter of five weeks before I would run my first FULL marathon. My training was crappy. Not even that was enough to motivate me into eating/training better. The only thing I have going for me right now is mental stubbornness.

So, the last six months or so I have been asking myself, when will I be ready to make the change? When will I commit and complete?? When will it be important to me?

The heartbreaking answer: I don't know. But right now, I am working on little things. When I am ready, I will attack it like a CrossFit workout.

Day 18: Let Them Be Men

I have posted this before, but today I must post it again along with another video. Part of love is sacrifice and honoring Priesthood. It doesn't matter if you are a father, or not. Men of God show the utmost love and sacrifice through honoring their priesthood.

It is written, "The priesthood is the eternal power and authority of God. Through the priesthood God created and governs the heavens and the earth. Through this power He redeems and exalts His children, bringing to pass “the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39). God gives priesthood authority to worthy male members of the Church so they can act in His name for the salvation of His children. Priesthood holders can be authorized to preach the gospel, administer the ordinances of salvation, and govern the kingdom of God on the earth."

In my life, I grew up in a home without a man who held the priesthood. To say the least, it was difficult. But now I have wonderful home teachers who are ready and willing to help anyone at any time. Someday I want a marriage to a man who is just as ready and willing to bless our family through his calling on this earth.

Stand up and be men!

Day 13-17: Forgiveness 2.0

I posted Saturday a song and a quote about forgiveness, but I don't know that it adequatly sums up everything I feel about the subject. So I am posting practically my entire week about it. That, however, is not to say I will do better a second time.

This is not to say it is a cop out for not writing for a week, but I have honestly been thinking about it. What an interesting concept. On Sunday we had a wonderful Ward Conference and a verse in the sacrament hymn hit me like it never had before:

As now our minds review the past,
We know we must repent;
The way to thee is righteousness —
The was thy life was spent.
Forgiveness is a gift from thee
We seek with pure intent.
With hands now pledged to do thy work,
We take the sacrament.
~ Hymn #169 (italics added)

I have been thinking a lot about covenants, the promises we make with God, ourselves, and others. What a powerful opportunity! When our hands touch the bread and water we pledge to do all the Lord asks us to do. That is part of the covenant. We are to give our lives to Him. When we do, He will give us the one we want back.

What does it mean to make a covenant? Do we make them and then not follow through? We need to make sure we really intend to follow through. When you give the Lord your life, He will give you the one you want in return. When we covenant with our Heavenly Father there are promises waiting for us.

So what happens when we forget about our covenants? Do we get lost in an abyss? The scriptures tell us time and time again of a God who will forgive, even unto a complete forgetting of what we have done wrong if we will confess it before Him and seek His help to overcome our faults.

In a talk titled "Finding Forgiveness", Elder Richard G. Scott states, "Recently . . . I encountered a large temporary sign declaring Rough Road Ahead, and indeed it was. Had I not been warned, that experience would have been disastrous. Life is like that. It's full of rough spots. Some are tests to make us stronger. Others result from our own disobedience. . . . Each one of us encounters unique challenges meant for growth."

Life is full of rough spots, both expected and unexpected. Living our life with the Spirit will help us to better understand the "road signs" and when the rough patches will come, or how we can navigate them. But when we fall into a rough patch that seems like it has no way out, we need to turn to the Lord. He will help us get back on the road that will lead to a smoother journey.

Elder Scott goes on to say, "The fruit of true repentance is forgiveness, which opens the door to receive all of the covenants and ordinances provided on this earth and to enjoy the resulting blessings. When a repentant soul is baptized, all former sins are forgiven and need not be remembered. When repentance is full and one has been cleansed, there comes a new vision of life and its glorious possibilities. How marvelous the promise of the Lord: 'Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.' The Lord is and ever will be faithful to His words."

Isaiah writes, "Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow" (Isaiah 1:18).

Recently in my life I have had to work some things out. Forgiveness, both receiving and giving, seem to be a constant. Growing up I lived with a lot of hard feelings and I remember a night not to long ago asking forgiveness from a person in my life. It had an impact on them. It had an impact on me. I left the house feeling like I was walking on air. Lifting that burden from my life helped me to begin to move on.

This new challenge I have encountered has not been as hard as I thought it would be. There are things that happened, experiences, I will never be able to get back. But those are part of the choices we make. I was so hurt when information came to light, and I have become so un-trusting.

There was a point where I thought things had changed, and I put myself back in the line of fire. But it was no different the second time. The serpent is just the same. It may change in appearance, but a serpent is a serpent.

When I got bit the second time around I removed myself immediately and have not looked back. When I saw this person I thought it would be awkward, but I felt liberated. Because I had made the choice to let go, seek forgiveness and move on, I was strengthened by my Heavenly Father.

Does this mean that I loath the person? No. I still care for them like I do any other friend. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, "Is there someone in your life who perhaps needs forgiveness? Is there someone in your home, someone in your family, someone in your neighborhood who has done an unjust or an unkind or an unchristian thing? All of us are guilty of such transgressions, so there surely must be someone who yet needs your forgiveness."

I have asked forgiveness of this person, I have asked forgiveness of my Heavenly Father. Now I work to put the pieces of my life back together. Each day I feel the tender mercies of the Lord and understand more and more the things He would have me do.

"As we consider the unity required for Zion to flourish, we should ask ourselves if we have overcome jarrings, contentions, envyings, and strifes (see D&C 101:6)" said Elder D. Todd Christofferson. "Are we individually and as a people free from strife and contention and united 'according to the union required by the law of the celestial kingdom'? (D&C 105:4). Forgiveness of one another is essential to this unity. Jesus said, 'I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men' (D&C 64:10).

"We will become of one heart and one mind as we individually place the Savior at the center of our lives and follow those He has commissioned to lead us"

Elder Lance B. Wickman further added, "It remains . . . for you and me to both seek and tender [the Savior's] forgiveness—to both repent and to extend charity to others—which enables us to pass through the door the Savior holds open, thus to cross the threshold from this life into exaltation. Today is the day to forgive others their trespasses, secure in the knowledge that the Lord will thus forgive ours. As Luke significantly recorded, 'Be ye therefore merciful' (Luke 6:36; emphasis added). Perfection may elude us here, but we can be merciful. And in the end, repenting and forgiving are among God's chief requirements of us."

Today is the day. Let go of whatever is in your life weighing you down like overloaded baggage. Today is the day!

Robes from Rags

For the past few months I have sought to put into words my appreciation for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Going through some notes looking for a Family Home Evening lesson I taught not too long ago, I found the statement “Robes from Rags.” Then the statement came so clear, “Each of us deserves to be wrapped in robes.” Through the Atonement we can literally be changed to robes of glory from rags of sin, heartache, and self-doubt.

Alma, in teaching the people throughout the land, said, “I say unto you, can you imagine to yourselves that ye hear the voice of the Lord, saying unto you, in that day: Come unto me ye blessed, for behold, your works have been the works of righteousness upon the face of the earth? … I say unto you, can ye look up to God at that day with a pure heart and clean hands? I say unto you, can you look up, having the image of God engraven upon your countenances?” (Alma 5:16-19).

I think about the early Christians and everything they went through for their testimony of Jesus Christ. They were burned at the stake, they had their flesh torn from them, were buried alive, and were put into dens with half-starved lions or tigers to name a few things. They suffered some of the deepest and greatest pains, and yet in their dying breath still called out to Jesus. Vaughn J. Featherstone said, “It was as though they could already see Him.”

When I read those words I asked myself if my relationship with Christ was such that I could see Him in my life? Would I know Him if he were walking by my side on the road to Emmaus? How then do I come to know my Savior?

There is a covenant God has made with the house of Israel saying, “I will put my law in their inward parts, and write it in their hearts; and will be their God, and they shall be my people” (Jer. 31:33). How is it then that the law will be written in our hearts? “We must live worthy to have the Holy Ghost with us 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for the rest of our lives,” said Elder Featherstone further explains.

The Holy Ghost is perhaps the most important gift we can receive in this life. It is the source of joy, peace, knowledge, strength, love, and every good thing we have in our lives. With the Atonement, it is the power by which we are changed and the weak are made strong. It is the power by which Christ makes himself manifest to all those who seek Him. Every good thing in our lives depends on getting and keeping the Holy Ghost with us in our lives.

We must pray for the courage that we can maintain the Spirit in our lives to be led continually in the paths of the Lord. If you have the Spirit with you, you will not fall to temptation. The Spirit carries with it the gift of discernment. That gift will help us know what is right and what is wrong. The gift, however, will be taken away from us if we do not maintain the Spirit.

Secondly, to know Him we must testify of the Living Christ. How often do we testify of the things we hold most precious and dear in this life? We ought to be testifying everyday. Opportunities will always come and as we testify we will build greater faith. We can never be afraid to share the gospel. It is the good news. We must develop the faith to find those who are seeking light in their lives. We talk with everyone and go about doing good.

“To some it is given by the Holy Ghost to know that Jesus is the Son of God, and that he was crucified for the sins of the world. To others it is given to believe on their words, that they also might have eternal life if they continue faithful” (D&C 4:13-14).

“And again, ye shall not have pain while ye shall dwell in the flesh… and all this will I do… for ye have desired that ye might being the souls of men unto me… yea, your joy shall be full… and ye shall be even as I am, and I am even as the Father; and the Father and I are one” (3 Ne. 28:9-10, italics added).

This is how we will put the His law in our inward parts, and it will be written in our hearts. This is how we can cast off the rags in our lives. Of course, as we learn to put off the natural man and become a saint through the Atonement of Christ, we must become “as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things” (Mosiah 3:19).

Elder David A. Bednar said, “The purpose of our mortal journey is not merely to see the sights on earth or to expend our allotment of time on self-centered pursuits, rather, we are to walk in newness of life (Rom. 6:4), to become sanctified by yielding out hearts unto God (Hel. 3:35), and to obtain the mind of Christ (1 Cor. 2:16).”

Everything in this life tells us to satisfy the natural man, to live life your own way, to do your own thing, and to be “yourself.” So much in this world fights against the path that will bring true happiness. There are things that will kill us by degrees, and justification until we are bound by Satan’s flaxen cords. But filth is filth no matter how you look at it. Henry Drummond helps us to understand the attitude of many:

I lived for myself, I thought for myself,
For myself, and none beside —
Jut as if Jesus had never lived,
As if He had never died.
[The Greatest Thing in the World, 40]

But no one can ignore Jesus Christ. He taught, “I am the way, the truth, and the life.” He said, “Follow me.” Furthermore, “What manner of men (and women) ought ye to be? … even as I am” (3 Ne. 27:27). He may be treated lightly, but he cannot be ignored.

Napoleon Bonaparte, in speaking of the Savior, said: “Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne, and I, myself, have founded great empires; but upon what did these creations of our genius depend? Upon force! Jesus alone founded His empire upon love; and to this very day millions would die for Him. I think I understand something of human nature; and I tell you all these were men, and I am a man. No other is like Him. Jesus Christ was more than a man. I have inspired multitudes with such an enthusiastic devotion that they would have died for me, but to do this, it was necessary that I should be visibly present with the electric influence of my looks, of my words, of my voice. Christ alone has succeeded in so raising the mind of man toward the Unseen that it becomes insensible to the barriers of time and space. Across a chasm of eighteen hundred years, He makes a demand which is beyond all others difficult to satisfy. He asks for the human heart. He will have it unconditionally, and forthwith His demand is granted. Wonderful! In defiance of time and space, the soul of man, with all its powers and faculties, becomes an annexation to the empire of Christ. All who sincerely believe in Him, experience that remarkable supernatural love toward Him. This phenomenon is unaccountable; it is altogether beyond the scope of man’s creative powers. Time, the great destroyer, is powerless to extinguish this sacred flame; time can neither exhaust its strength, nor put a limit to its range. This is what strikes me the most. I have often thought of it. This it is which proves to me quite convincingly the divinity of Jesus Christ.” [Thoughts Inspired by the Christmas Tide, 24-25].

The Atonement is a voluntary and love-inspired sacrifice on part of the Savior. It is universal in its application so far as we will accept this means of deliverance that is placed within our reach.

Gospel wisdom constantly urges us to put off the natural man. It is only when we do that true happiness can be found. Many may look at the path and think the way is too hard, but it is the only sensible way. Life is hard, but the gospel is not. “There is an opposition in all things,” for everyone, everywhere. Not just for certain individuals. Elder Lawrence E. Corbridge teaches, “We can either follow the Lord and be endowed with His power and have peace, light, strength, knowledge, confidence, love, and joy, or we can go some other way, any other way, whatever other way, and go it alone — without His support, without His power, without guidance, in darkness, turmoil, doubt, grief, and despair. And I ask, which way is easier?”

Is it easier to fight the daily battles with, or without, power from on high? I have fought the battles both ways, and I know that the Lord’s way is the only way to go. It is only by allowing the Atonement of Christ to work in your life that you will have this power.

Too many times we may look at a past sin or transgression in our life and say it’s too hard and give up. But I can testify to you that it is harder to keep than it is to give up, and that any pain you have to endure to get rid of it is worth so much more when all is said and done. Changes are meant to make us better, to take us closer to our Heavenly Father. Get on the path and never, never, never give up. Keep on going no matter what the cost is. The path is marked. Don’t get off the path thinking another way will be easier. You will make it. Christ taught, “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;… and ye shall find rest unto your souls” (Matt 11:29).

What lies before us will be hard, but it will be wonderful. We will be tested, and we will win. Along the way we will each have our own personal Gethsemane-type experiences, but that is ok. It is what life is all about. With the things that drive us to Gethsemane, there will be glorious mountain peaks of joy that will compensate for every moment of suffering. “The Lord your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul” (Deut 13:3).

Pains that we suffer are such a small part of life as a while. It doesn’t last unless we allow it to. Joy found through the Atonement will be everlasting and can be such a large part of our lives. It will last as long as we seek for it and allow it to.

“Why should we think to earn a great reward
If we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake
[Come, Come Ye Saints]

Just as the early Christian saints gave everything, including their lives, to know Jesus Christ, we too must give everything we have. The Atonement can, and should, be having an affect on our lives daily. It fills the gap of who we are and who we ought to be. It is because of the Atonement of Christ that we can be justified and worthy to stand before the Lord.

Through the Atonement of Christ we will be wrapped in robes of glory and we will become His people. Each of us deserves to be wrapped in robes. “Behold, I do not condemn you; go your ways and sin no more; perform with soberness the work which I have commanded you. Look unto me in every thought” (D&C 6:35-36). The gospel provides us with “arms of safety”. Through the Atonement we can feel God’s love for us and feel His arms wrapped securely around us. And each week we can partake of the sweet bread and the refreshing water as we prayerfully seek spiritual healing, hoping and pleading to hear the words: “Behold, your sins are forgiven you; you are clean before me; therefore, lift up your heads and rejoice” (D&C 110:5).

As we prayerfully seek this healing we are commanded to repent and come forth with broken hearts and contrite spirits while partaking of the sacrament. In partaking of the sacrament we covenant with God that we are willing to take upon us the name of Christ, always remember him, and keep his commandments. When we keep our end of the bargain, the Lord renews yet again the cleansing effect of our baptism. We are made clean again and we can always have His Spirit to be with us.

So, with Alma I ask, “if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?” I know that by allowing the cleansing effects of the Atonement into our lives daily, we will be able to answer yes, and with confidence stand and testify of the Living Christ. I know that this is the only way home, and I know that it is only be enduring to the end that we will receive one day a fullness of the gospel and be welcomed back into the arms of our Heavenly Father hearing the words, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Enter into my rest.”

Control

Where so many hours have been spent in convincing myself that I am right, is there not some reason to fear I may be wrong?

Jane Austen (1775-1817)

What is it about this life that allows us to think that we can have a sense of control? Do we really have any? Are we subject to the vast universe all around us? What makes us think we are in control?

Having experienced some things growing up, I have striven to have control over that which I can. School, sports, church, etc. As a result I formed a very red personality, with blue undertones. Now, this can be good and it can also be bad... I naturally fall into leadership patterns and I formed somewhat of a male personality that has gotten me into some trouble here and there.

I am very headstrong in many aspects of my life, but there come times when I allow passivity to take over. When I know what I want, I fight for it. I do everything I need to do to get there. Now, on the other hand there are times when I am not so sure what I want, or there is something I crave to have in my life, and thus the passivity to gain said thing. I have trained myself in the art of conversation to get what I want while the other person thinks they are making the decision (maybe I shouldn't be writing that...), or I create a presentation in such a way that others see what I want and desire the same thing. Having said that, I am not sure if it's a blessing or a challenge to overcome.

A friend posted some wonderful insights that brought some clarity to my head. Too often we allow emotion to overtake us when in fact we should be looking for the confirmation of the Holy Ghost. She wrote, "When Joseph Smith saw God the Father and Jesus Christ in answer to his prayer, that confirmation changed the will of his life. Every thing he did from then on out was dependent on that first version, that is commitment, that is conversion, that is true stability, that is what the holy ghost can do to us when we go to the lord with real intent. GIVES CLARITY IN A WAY LOVE CANNOT... But on the other hand when we try to live our lives without confirmation by the Holy Ghost, the shifting values creep in, weariness, inconsistencies blurs our vision, and we are enveloped in insecurities that stop our progression. WE can never truly commit to that significant other, to that job, to that choice. There is no safety net when there is no confirmation. Confirmation increases trust and secures of hearts to know we can carry out our choices. When you just know!"

It is the confirmation that allows us to have a certain degree of control as we give our will over to Heavenly Father and allow him to shape us as the clay on the potters wheel. Only when we give our will up for that of what Heavenly Father wants for us can we truly be happy and understand all the blessings He has in store for us. So, does control really matter? What do we do with the other 90% of our time, talents, and all the Lord has blessed us with? We are the ones blessed with agency over our lives and only we can give our will and heart to the Lord to allow him to make of us the grand creation he knows we can be.