Showing posts with label gift. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gift. Show all posts

Sunday, June 01, 2014

Yesterday You Said Tomorrow



This has been my life for the last while ... I believe I first saw this image on Pinterest. It was powerful and relevant to my life. There are few things I have started in the last while that I have not finished, because I messed up, or my desire for something else was greater than my end goal, etc. I tell myself I can start again tomorrow. Sometimes I do, lately I have not ... Tomorrow has not existed for me because I am either busy beating myself up, or I am indulging in what I set out to give up and change.

I have been asking myself why I suck at life; seeking an answer as to my weakness; wondering why I cannot have the patience to endure and realize my end goal. The past two years of my life have been rough. In my life I have endured tragedy of personal proportions. But I have never done anything like what I did while figuring out my marriage and if it would last or not.

A year ago, I began running. Those who knew me growing up understood that running and I were NOT besties. I would swim across any body of water you challenged me to; bike any trail/road you plotted; you want  me to throw something? OK. Oh, running? NO. But, thank you for the offer ;)

I watched my sister train for half marathons and marathons. Each time she ran, I cried with awe and amazement at her accomplishment. She is incredible. Then I thought of all the excuses as to why that couldn't be me one day.

- I'm overweight
- My knees are not in good shape
- I have never run farther than a 10k
- I have asthma
- There is no way I can do something consistently for 4.5 hrs!
- Etc, etc, etc.

Then a message came ... I need one more person for our Ogden Marathon lottery. Sure! I never get picked for anything. I'll say yes because my friend needed help, and help is my middle name. After I signed up, I didn't think anything of it until the e-mail came ... "Congratulations! Your team has been selected."

*face palm*

Now I have to get training ... half marathon ... 13.1 miles ... ugh ... this will be twice as far as I have EVER run in my life!

So, I signed up for the Strider's Winter Racing Circuit. I got involved in a group called #tmfit. My personal life was falling apart, so all of this fit in perfectly. I needed a reason to focus somewhere else. Basically I needed an out for my hurt, anger, pain, fear, feeling of inadequacy, etc.

So, I began to run. I collaborated with my group. Someone held me accountable. Success. I accomplished my goals.

Summer came and went. My house was finally sold. With the help of my family, I moved out and shoved everything into 1.5 storage sheds, then moved into a bedroom in my mom's house. My body collapsed. I slept until sometimes 9/10 a.m. for weeks. This was particularly odd for me since 7 a.m. is sleeping in for me.

I couldn't bring myself to move back in with my now ex-husband. It was the strangest feeling. He was my husband. What was wrong with me?!? I should have wanted to be back with him. But I couldn't.

The last year has been one of the most heart wrenching years of my life, with the year before that coming in a close second. Never have I cried so much before (also something that is abnormal for me). With my emotions comes something else. It is an addiction I have battled all my life: food.

Yes, I have an addiction to food. It is my emotional comfort blanket. Ever since I was a little girl, I have eaten junk to soothe my pain/loneliness. On top of that, it was also social for me. That was how my mother's ex-husband communicated: through food. I am not sure if he ever knew how else to get people to hang out with him. So, for 16 years of my life eating out was our family communication/hang-out. Food was how Steve expressed his love/friendship.

When I finally turned in my divorce papers, I felt it would all be over. WRONG! The pain of learning how to heal was only beginning. After, I began to not feel liberated, but like an uber crappy human being ... again. My marriage was supposed to be forever. F-O-R-V-E-V-E-R! But ... I am now divorced.

So ... to soothe the pain of feeling like a failure at marriage and life, I began to eat. I didn't just eat, I ATE. And then I became angry, and ate some more ... I gained in the neighborhood of 20lbs eating junk and drinking crap. I slacked off going to CrossFit, so I was making a charitable donation to my gym for about 3-4 months.

My gym started Whole30. I thought that would be awesome. Nope. There was no accountability for me but a calendar that hung on a wall. Whoever was in charge wasn't aware I was participating because I received no information. I didn't finish.

The new year started, I planned to start in February to make my goal by my birthday. Nope. Didn't finish Whole30 ... again ... Fail.

Are you noticing a pattern here? I suck at life. At least that is how I feel right now and have for a few years now. I don't finish things. At least not when I am not accountable to anyone.

My CrossFit Box started 'Spring Cleaning'. I signed up. But again, I didn't hear anything back. I asked myself If I was going to make it. I started ... N-O-P-E!

It was a matter of five weeks before I would run my first FULL marathon. My training was crappy. Not even that was enough to motivate me into eating/training better. The only thing I have going for me right now is mental stubbornness.

So, the last six months or so I have been asking myself, when will I be ready to make the change? When will I commit and complete?? When will it be important to me?

The heartbreaking answer: I don't know. But right now, I am working on little things. When I am ready, I will attack it like a CrossFit workout.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Robes from Rags

For the past few months I have sought to put into words my appreciation for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Going through some notes looking for a Family Home Evening lesson I taught not too long ago, I found the statement “Robes from Rags.” Then the statement came so clear, “Each of us deserves to be wrapped in robes.” Through the Atonement we can literally be changed to robes of glory from rags of sin, heartache, and self-doubt.

Alma, in teaching the people throughout the land, said, “I say unto you, can you imagine to yourselves that ye hear the voice of the Lord, saying unto you, in that day: Come unto me ye blessed, for behold, your works have been the works of righteousness upon the face of the earth? … I say unto you, can ye look up to God at that day with a pure heart and clean hands? I say unto you, can you look up, having the image of God engraven upon your countenances?” (Alma 5:16-19).

I think about the early Christians and everything they went through for their testimony of Jesus Christ. They were burned at the stake, they had their flesh torn from them, were buried alive, and were put into dens with half-starved lions or tigers to name a few things. They suffered some of the deepest and greatest pains, and yet in their dying breath still called out to Jesus. Vaughn J. Featherstone said, “It was as though they could already see Him.”

When I read those words I asked myself if my relationship with Christ was such that I could see Him in my life? Would I know Him if he were walking by my side on the road to Emmaus? How then do I come to know my Savior?

There is a covenant God has made with the house of Israel saying, “I will put my law in their inward parts, and write it in their hearts; and will be their God, and they shall be my people” (Jer. 31:33). How is it then that the law will be written in our hearts? “We must live worthy to have the Holy Ghost with us 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for the rest of our lives,” said Elder Featherstone further explains.

The Holy Ghost is perhaps the most important gift we can receive in this life. It is the source of joy, peace, knowledge, strength, love, and every good thing we have in our lives. With the Atonement, it is the power by which we are changed and the weak are made strong. It is the power by which Christ makes himself manifest to all those who seek Him. Every good thing in our lives depends on getting and keeping the Holy Ghost with us in our lives.

We must pray for the courage that we can maintain the Spirit in our lives to be led continually in the paths of the Lord. If you have the Spirit with you, you will not fall to temptation. The Spirit carries with it the gift of discernment. That gift will help us know what is right and what is wrong. The gift, however, will be taken away from us if we do not maintain the Spirit.

Secondly, to know Him we must testify of the Living Christ. How often do we testify of the things we hold most precious and dear in this life? We ought to be testifying everyday. Opportunities will always come and as we testify we will build greater faith. We can never be afraid to share the gospel. It is the good news. We must develop the faith to find those who are seeking light in their lives. We talk with everyone and go about doing good.

“To some it is given by the Holy Ghost to know that Jesus is the Son of God, and that he was crucified for the sins of the world. To others it is given to believe on their words, that they also might have eternal life if they continue faithful” (D&C 4:13-14).

“And again, ye shall not have pain while ye shall dwell in the flesh… and all this will I do… for ye have desired that ye might being the souls of men unto me… yea, your joy shall be full… and ye shall be even as I am, and I am even as the Father; and the Father and I are one” (3 Ne. 28:9-10, italics added).

This is how we will put the His law in our inward parts, and it will be written in our hearts. This is how we can cast off the rags in our lives. Of course, as we learn to put off the natural man and become a saint through the Atonement of Christ, we must become “as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things” (Mosiah 3:19).

Elder David A. Bednar said, “The purpose of our mortal journey is not merely to see the sights on earth or to expend our allotment of time on self-centered pursuits, rather, we are to walk in newness of life (Rom. 6:4), to become sanctified by yielding out hearts unto God (Hel. 3:35), and to obtain the mind of Christ (1 Cor. 2:16).”

Everything in this life tells us to satisfy the natural man, to live life your own way, to do your own thing, and to be “yourself.” So much in this world fights against the path that will bring true happiness. There are things that will kill us by degrees, and justification until we are bound by Satan’s flaxen cords. But filth is filth no matter how you look at it. Henry Drummond helps us to understand the attitude of many:

I lived for myself, I thought for myself,
For myself, and none beside —
Jut as if Jesus had never lived,
As if He had never died.
[The Greatest Thing in the World, 40]

But no one can ignore Jesus Christ. He taught, “I am the way, the truth, and the life.” He said, “Follow me.” Furthermore, “What manner of men (and women) ought ye to be? … even as I am” (3 Ne. 27:27). He may be treated lightly, but he cannot be ignored.

Napoleon Bonaparte, in speaking of the Savior, said: “Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne, and I, myself, have founded great empires; but upon what did these creations of our genius depend? Upon force! Jesus alone founded His empire upon love; and to this very day millions would die for Him. I think I understand something of human nature; and I tell you all these were men, and I am a man. No other is like Him. Jesus Christ was more than a man. I have inspired multitudes with such an enthusiastic devotion that they would have died for me, but to do this, it was necessary that I should be visibly present with the electric influence of my looks, of my words, of my voice. Christ alone has succeeded in so raising the mind of man toward the Unseen that it becomes insensible to the barriers of time and space. Across a chasm of eighteen hundred years, He makes a demand which is beyond all others difficult to satisfy. He asks for the human heart. He will have it unconditionally, and forthwith His demand is granted. Wonderful! In defiance of time and space, the soul of man, with all its powers and faculties, becomes an annexation to the empire of Christ. All who sincerely believe in Him, experience that remarkable supernatural love toward Him. This phenomenon is unaccountable; it is altogether beyond the scope of man’s creative powers. Time, the great destroyer, is powerless to extinguish this sacred flame; time can neither exhaust its strength, nor put a limit to its range. This is what strikes me the most. I have often thought of it. This it is which proves to me quite convincingly the divinity of Jesus Christ.” [Thoughts Inspired by the Christmas Tide, 24-25].

The Atonement is a voluntary and love-inspired sacrifice on part of the Savior. It is universal in its application so far as we will accept this means of deliverance that is placed within our reach.

Gospel wisdom constantly urges us to put off the natural man. It is only when we do that true happiness can be found. Many may look at the path and think the way is too hard, but it is the only sensible way. Life is hard, but the gospel is not. “There is an opposition in all things,” for everyone, everywhere. Not just for certain individuals. Elder Lawrence E. Corbridge teaches, “We can either follow the Lord and be endowed with His power and have peace, light, strength, knowledge, confidence, love, and joy, or we can go some other way, any other way, whatever other way, and go it alone — without His support, without His power, without guidance, in darkness, turmoil, doubt, grief, and despair. And I ask, which way is easier?”

Is it easier to fight the daily battles with, or without, power from on high? I have fought the battles both ways, and I know that the Lord’s way is the only way to go. It is only by allowing the Atonement of Christ to work in your life that you will have this power.

Too many times we may look at a past sin or transgression in our life and say it’s too hard and give up. But I can testify to you that it is harder to keep than it is to give up, and that any pain you have to endure to get rid of it is worth so much more when all is said and done. Changes are meant to make us better, to take us closer to our Heavenly Father. Get on the path and never, never, never give up. Keep on going no matter what the cost is. The path is marked. Don’t get off the path thinking another way will be easier. You will make it. Christ taught, “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;… and ye shall find rest unto your souls” (Matt 11:29).

What lies before us will be hard, but it will be wonderful. We will be tested, and we will win. Along the way we will each have our own personal Gethsemane-type experiences, but that is ok. It is what life is all about. With the things that drive us to Gethsemane, there will be glorious mountain peaks of joy that will compensate for every moment of suffering. “The Lord your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul” (Deut 13:3).

Pains that we suffer are such a small part of life as a while. It doesn’t last unless we allow it to. Joy found through the Atonement will be everlasting and can be such a large part of our lives. It will last as long as we seek for it and allow it to.

“Why should we think to earn a great reward
If we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake
[Come, Come Ye Saints]

Just as the early Christian saints gave everything, including their lives, to know Jesus Christ, we too must give everything we have. The Atonement can, and should, be having an affect on our lives daily. It fills the gap of who we are and who we ought to be. It is because of the Atonement of Christ that we can be justified and worthy to stand before the Lord.

Through the Atonement of Christ we will be wrapped in robes of glory and we will become His people. Each of us deserves to be wrapped in robes. “Behold, I do not condemn you; go your ways and sin no more; perform with soberness the work which I have commanded you. Look unto me in every thought” (D&C 6:35-36). The gospel provides us with “arms of safety”. Through the Atonement we can feel God’s love for us and feel His arms wrapped securely around us. And each week we can partake of the sweet bread and the refreshing water as we prayerfully seek spiritual healing, hoping and pleading to hear the words: “Behold, your sins are forgiven you; you are clean before me; therefore, lift up your heads and rejoice” (D&C 110:5).

As we prayerfully seek this healing we are commanded to repent and come forth with broken hearts and contrite spirits while partaking of the sacrament. In partaking of the sacrament we covenant with God that we are willing to take upon us the name of Christ, always remember him, and keep his commandments. When we keep our end of the bargain, the Lord renews yet again the cleansing effect of our baptism. We are made clean again and we can always have His Spirit to be with us.

So, with Alma I ask, “if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?” I know that by allowing the cleansing effects of the Atonement into our lives daily, we will be able to answer yes, and with confidence stand and testify of the Living Christ. I know that this is the only way home, and I know that it is only be enduring to the end that we will receive one day a fullness of the gospel and be welcomed back into the arms of our Heavenly Father hearing the words, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Enter into my rest.”