My Revolution

There was a show that aired once upon a time called The Revolution. I watched the show with intrigue off and on. Ty Pennington went from making over houses to making over lives, and he has brought others along for the ride. The intrigue for me comes because the show promotes a healthy lifestyle. It promotes making positive changes and not crash-diet craziness.

I have been thinking about things for the last month. My body is less than ideal and I know I can do more. I have been examining items in my house, my pantry, and my other food stuffs. Thirty days ago I wrote about Yesterday You Said Tomorrow. I wrote about my struggle with food, how I started to make changes, how I struggle to keep changes, etc.

About three weeks ago I decided to employ the help of Adrian Conway. He is one of the best in Utah and I feel fortunate to have met his acquaintance and be coached in his classes at Wasatch CrossFit. Each time I have an encounter with people, I know we are crossing paths for a reason. Thankfully I listened to Bonnie Smith and gave CrossFit a chance. 

It will be a year ago in July that I began my journey. I will admit there have been months I have "donated" to the Box. But now that I seem to have gotten some things in my life under control, I am ready to press forward. 

Training begins tomorrow. At the beginning of that training, there are 10 days of vacation. Speaking with an acquaintance tonight who is a fitness model, she pointed out the need to ask the following questions when planning on travel meals:

- Does my goal have a specific date?
- How important is it to me?
- Will I miss out on an experience of a lifetime if I limit my food choices?
- Will food be a social experience there?
- Is it worth it?
- Etc. You start to get the idea.

#1 - Yes
#2 - Very!

Those are really the only two important questions out of the bunch for me right now. The other day I posted an article on Facebook entitled 10 Mistakes Women Make with Diets. At the end it makes a great point in stating, "A female trying to change her eating patterns for good will need to get her friends and coworkers used to hearing her say "I don't eat that stuff.""

I wrote at the beginning of the month, "The heartbreaking answer: I don't know. But right now, I am working on little things. When I am ready, I will attack it like a CrossFit workout." So, what has changed in 30 days? I have found someone I hold in high regard that is willing to work with me. I will be accountable. I want to be better (even though I am having shoulder surgery in August). It seems I am finally pulling my head out of my behind and ready to face the world. 

So, here is to my revolution. Here is to something better, something more, something extraordinary. I look forward to sharing these first eight weeks with you!

Yesterday You Said Tomorrow

This has been my life for the last while ... I believe I first saw this image on Pinterest. It was powerful and relevant to my life. There are few things I have started in the last while that I have not finished, because I messed up, or my desire for something else was greater than my end goal, etc. I tell myself I can start again tomorrow. Sometimes I do, lately I have not ... Tomorrow has not existed for me because I am either busy beating myself up, or I am indulging in what I set out to give up and change.

I have been asking myself why I suck at life; seeking an answer as to my weakness; wondering why I cannot have the patience to endure and realize my end goal. The past two years of my life have been rough. In my life I have endured tragedy of personal proportions. But I have never done anything like what I did while figuring out my marriage and if it would last or not.

A year ago, I began running. Those who knew me growing up understood that running and I were NOT besties. I would swim across any body of water you challenged me to; bike any trail/road you plotted; you want  me to throw something? OK. Oh, running? NO. But, thank you for the offer ;)

I watched my sister train for half marathons and marathons. Each time she ran, I cried with awe and amazement at her accomplishment. She is incredible. Then I thought of all the excuses as to why that couldn't be me one day.

- I'm overweight
- My knees are not in good shape
- I have never run farther than a 10k
- I have asthma
- There is no way I can do something consistently for 4.5 hrs!
- Etc, etc, etc.

Then a message came ... I need one more person for our Ogden Marathon lottery. Sure! I never get picked for anything. I'll say yes because my friend needed help, and help is my middle name. After I signed up, I didn't think anything of it until the e-mail came ... "Congratulations! Your team has been selected."

*face palm*

Now I have to get training ... half marathon ... 13.1 miles ... ugh ... this will be twice as far as I have EVER run in my life!

So, I signed up for the Strider's Winter Racing Circuit. I got involved in a group called #tmfit. My personal life was falling apart, so all of this fit in perfectly. I needed a reason to focus somewhere else. Basically I needed an out for my hurt, anger, pain, fear, feeling of inadequacy, etc.

So, I began to run. I collaborated with my group. Someone held me accountable. Success. I accomplished my goals.

Summer came and went. My house was finally sold. With the help of my family, I moved out and shoved everything into 1.5 storage sheds, then moved into a bedroom in my mom's house. My body collapsed. I slept until sometimes 9/10 a.m. for weeks. This was particularly odd for me since 7 a.m. is sleeping in for me.

I couldn't bring myself to move back in with my now ex-husband. It was the strangest feeling. He was my husband. What was wrong with me?!? I should have wanted to be back with him. But I couldn't.

The last year has been one of the most heart wrenching years of my life, with the year before that coming in a close second. Never have I cried so much before (also something that is abnormal for me). With my emotions comes something else. It is an addiction I have battled all my life: food.

Yes, I have an addiction to food. It is my emotional comfort blanket. Ever since I was a little girl, I have eaten junk to soothe my pain/loneliness. On top of that, it was also social for me. That was how my mother's ex-husband communicated: through food. I am not sure if he ever knew how else to get people to hang out with him. So, for 16 years of my life eating out was our family communication/hang-out. Food was how Steve expressed his love/friendship.

When I finally turned in my divorce papers, I felt it would all be over. WRONG! The pain of learning how to heal was only beginning. After, I began to not feel liberated, but like an uber crappy human being ... again. My marriage was supposed to be forever. F-O-R-V-E-V-E-R! But ... I am now divorced.

So ... to soothe the pain of feeling like a failure at marriage and life, I began to eat. I didn't just eat, I ATE. And then I became angry, and ate some more ... I gained in the neighborhood of 20lbs eating junk and drinking crap. I slacked off going to CrossFit, so I was making a charitable donation to my gym for about 3-4 months.

My gym started Whole30. I thought that would be awesome. Nope. There was no accountability for me but a calendar that hung on a wall. Whoever was in charge wasn't aware I was participating because I received no information. I didn't finish.

The new year started, I planned to start in February to make my goal by my birthday. Nope. Didn't finish Whole30 ... again ... Fail.

Are you noticing a pattern here? I suck at life. At least that is how I feel right now and have for a few years now. I don't finish things. At least not when I am not accountable to anyone.

My CrossFit Box started 'Spring Cleaning'. I signed up. But again, I didn't hear anything back. I asked myself If I was going to make it. I started ... N-O-P-E!

It was a matter of five weeks before I would run my first FULL marathon. My training was crappy. Not even that was enough to motivate me into eating/training better. The only thing I have going for me right now is mental stubbornness.

So, the last six months or so I have been asking myself, when will I be ready to make the change? When will I commit and complete?? When will it be important to me?

The heartbreaking answer: I don't know. But right now, I am working on little things. When I am ready, I will attack it like a CrossFit workout.

Control

Where so many hours have been spent in convincing myself that I am right, is there not some reason to fear I may be wrong?

Jane Austen (1775-1817)

What is it about this life that allows us to think that we can have a sense of control? Do we really have any? Are we subject to the vast universe all around us? What makes us think we are in control?

Having experienced some things growing up, I have striven to have control over that which I can. School, sports, church, etc. As a result I formed a very red personality, with blue undertones. Now, this can be good and it can also be bad... I naturally fall into leadership patterns and I formed somewhat of a male personality that has gotten me into some trouble here and there.

I am very headstrong in many aspects of my life, but there come times when I allow passivity to take over. When I know what I want, I fight for it. I do everything I need to do to get there. Now, on the other hand there are times when I am not so sure what I want, or there is something I crave to have in my life, and thus the passivity to gain said thing. I have trained myself in the art of conversation to get what I want while the other person thinks they are making the decision (maybe I shouldn't be writing that...), or I create a presentation in such a way that others see what I want and desire the same thing. Having said that, I am not sure if it's a blessing or a challenge to overcome.

A friend posted some wonderful insights that brought some clarity to my head. Too often we allow emotion to overtake us when in fact we should be looking for the confirmation of the Holy Ghost. She wrote, "When Joseph Smith saw God the Father and Jesus Christ in answer to his prayer, that confirmation changed the will of his life. Every thing he did from then on out was dependent on that first version, that is commitment, that is conversion, that is true stability, that is what the holy ghost can do to us when we go to the lord with real intent. GIVES CLARITY IN A WAY LOVE CANNOT... But on the other hand when we try to live our lives without confirmation by the Holy Ghost, the shifting values creep in, weariness, inconsistencies blurs our vision, and we are enveloped in insecurities that stop our progression. WE can never truly commit to that significant other, to that job, to that choice. There is no safety net when there is no confirmation. Confirmation increases trust and secures of hearts to know we can carry out our choices. When you just know!"

It is the confirmation that allows us to have a certain degree of control as we give our will over to Heavenly Father and allow him to shape us as the clay on the potters wheel. Only when we give our will up for that of what Heavenly Father wants for us can we truly be happy and understand all the blessings He has in store for us. So, does control really matter? What do we do with the other 90% of our time, talents, and all the Lord has blessed us with? We are the ones blessed with agency over our lives and only we can give our will and heart to the Lord to allow him to make of us the grand creation he knows we can be.