Yesterday You Said Tomorrow

This has been my life for the last while ... I believe I first saw this image on Pinterest. It was powerful and relevant to my life. There are few things I have started in the last while that I have not finished, because I messed up, or my desire for something else was greater than my end goal, etc. I tell myself I can start again tomorrow. Sometimes I do, lately I have not ... Tomorrow has not existed for me because I am either busy beating myself up, or I am indulging in what I set out to give up and change.

I have been asking myself why I suck at life; seeking an answer as to my weakness; wondering why I cannot have the patience to endure and realize my end goal. The past two years of my life have been rough. In my life I have endured tragedy of personal proportions. But I have never done anything like what I did while figuring out my marriage and if it would last or not.

A year ago, I began running. Those who knew me growing up understood that running and I were NOT besties. I would swim across any body of water you challenged me to; bike any trail/road you plotted; you want  me to throw something? OK. Oh, running? NO. But, thank you for the offer ;)

I watched my sister train for half marathons and marathons. Each time she ran, I cried with awe and amazement at her accomplishment. She is incredible. Then I thought of all the excuses as to why that couldn't be me one day.

- I'm overweight
- My knees are not in good shape
- I have never run farther than a 10k
- I have asthma
- There is no way I can do something consistently for 4.5 hrs!
- Etc, etc, etc.

Then a message came ... I need one more person for our Ogden Marathon lottery. Sure! I never get picked for anything. I'll say yes because my friend needed help, and help is my middle name. After I signed up, I didn't think anything of it until the e-mail came ... "Congratulations! Your team has been selected."

*face palm*

Now I have to get training ... half marathon ... 13.1 miles ... ugh ... this will be twice as far as I have EVER run in my life!

So, I signed up for the Strider's Winter Racing Circuit. I got involved in a group called #tmfit. My personal life was falling apart, so all of this fit in perfectly. I needed a reason to focus somewhere else. Basically I needed an out for my hurt, anger, pain, fear, feeling of inadequacy, etc.

So, I began to run. I collaborated with my group. Someone held me accountable. Success. I accomplished my goals.

Summer came and went. My house was finally sold. With the help of my family, I moved out and shoved everything into 1.5 storage sheds, then moved into a bedroom in my mom's house. My body collapsed. I slept until sometimes 9/10 a.m. for weeks. This was particularly odd for me since 7 a.m. is sleeping in for me.

I couldn't bring myself to move back in with my now ex-husband. It was the strangest feeling. He was my husband. What was wrong with me?!? I should have wanted to be back with him. But I couldn't.

The last year has been one of the most heart wrenching years of my life, with the year before that coming in a close second. Never have I cried so much before (also something that is abnormal for me). With my emotions comes something else. It is an addiction I have battled all my life: food.

Yes, I have an addiction to food. It is my emotional comfort blanket. Ever since I was a little girl, I have eaten junk to soothe my pain/loneliness. On top of that, it was also social for me. That was how my mother's ex-husband communicated: through food. I am not sure if he ever knew how else to get people to hang out with him. So, for 16 years of my life eating out was our family communication/hang-out. Food was how Steve expressed his love/friendship.

When I finally turned in my divorce papers, I felt it would all be over. WRONG! The pain of learning how to heal was only beginning. After, I began to not feel liberated, but like an uber crappy human being ... again. My marriage was supposed to be forever. F-O-R-V-E-V-E-R! But ... I am now divorced.

So ... to soothe the pain of feeling like a failure at marriage and life, I began to eat. I didn't just eat, I ATE. And then I became angry, and ate some more ... I gained in the neighborhood of 20lbs eating junk and drinking crap. I slacked off going to CrossFit, so I was making a charitable donation to my gym for about 3-4 months.

My gym started Whole30. I thought that would be awesome. Nope. There was no accountability for me but a calendar that hung on a wall. Whoever was in charge wasn't aware I was participating because I received no information. I didn't finish.

The new year started, I planned to start in February to make my goal by my birthday. Nope. Didn't finish Whole30 ... again ... Fail.

Are you noticing a pattern here? I suck at life. At least that is how I feel right now and have for a few years now. I don't finish things. At least not when I am not accountable to anyone.

My CrossFit Box started 'Spring Cleaning'. I signed up. But again, I didn't hear anything back. I asked myself If I was going to make it. I started ... N-O-P-E!

It was a matter of five weeks before I would run my first FULL marathon. My training was crappy. Not even that was enough to motivate me into eating/training better. The only thing I have going for me right now is mental stubbornness.

So, the last six months or so I have been asking myself, when will I be ready to make the change? When will I commit and complete?? When will it be important to me?

The heartbreaking answer: I don't know. But right now, I am working on little things. When I am ready, I will attack it like a CrossFit workout.

Day 13-17: Forgiveness 2.0

I posted Saturday a song and a quote about forgiveness, but I don't know that it adequatly sums up everything I feel about the subject. So I am posting practically my entire week about it. That, however, is not to say I will do better a second time.

This is not to say it is a cop out for not writing for a week, but I have honestly been thinking about it. What an interesting concept. On Sunday we had a wonderful Ward Conference and a verse in the sacrament hymn hit me like it never had before:

As now our minds review the past,
We know we must repent;
The way to thee is righteousness —
The was thy life was spent.
Forgiveness is a gift from thee
We seek with pure intent.
With hands now pledged to do thy work,
We take the sacrament.
~ Hymn #169 (italics added)

I have been thinking a lot about covenants, the promises we make with God, ourselves, and others. What a powerful opportunity! When our hands touch the bread and water we pledge to do all the Lord asks us to do. That is part of the covenant. We are to give our lives to Him. When we do, He will give us the one we want back.

What does it mean to make a covenant? Do we make them and then not follow through? We need to make sure we really intend to follow through. When you give the Lord your life, He will give you the one you want in return. When we covenant with our Heavenly Father there are promises waiting for us.

So what happens when we forget about our covenants? Do we get lost in an abyss? The scriptures tell us time and time again of a God who will forgive, even unto a complete forgetting of what we have done wrong if we will confess it before Him and seek His help to overcome our faults.

In a talk titled "Finding Forgiveness", Elder Richard G. Scott states, "Recently . . . I encountered a large temporary sign declaring Rough Road Ahead, and indeed it was. Had I not been warned, that experience would have been disastrous. Life is like that. It's full of rough spots. Some are tests to make us stronger. Others result from our own disobedience. . . . Each one of us encounters unique challenges meant for growth."

Life is full of rough spots, both expected and unexpected. Living our life with the Spirit will help us to better understand the "road signs" and when the rough patches will come, or how we can navigate them. But when we fall into a rough patch that seems like it has no way out, we need to turn to the Lord. He will help us get back on the road that will lead to a smoother journey.

Elder Scott goes on to say, "The fruit of true repentance is forgiveness, which opens the door to receive all of the covenants and ordinances provided on this earth and to enjoy the resulting blessings. When a repentant soul is baptized, all former sins are forgiven and need not be remembered. When repentance is full and one has been cleansed, there comes a new vision of life and its glorious possibilities. How marvelous the promise of the Lord: 'Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.' The Lord is and ever will be faithful to His words."

Isaiah writes, "Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow" (Isaiah 1:18).

Recently in my life I have had to work some things out. Forgiveness, both receiving and giving, seem to be a constant. Growing up I lived with a lot of hard feelings and I remember a night not to long ago asking forgiveness from a person in my life. It had an impact on them. It had an impact on me. I left the house feeling like I was walking on air. Lifting that burden from my life helped me to begin to move on.

This new challenge I have encountered has not been as hard as I thought it would be. There are things that happened, experiences, I will never be able to get back. But those are part of the choices we make. I was so hurt when information came to light, and I have become so un-trusting.

There was a point where I thought things had changed, and I put myself back in the line of fire. But it was no different the second time. The serpent is just the same. It may change in appearance, but a serpent is a serpent.

When I got bit the second time around I removed myself immediately and have not looked back. When I saw this person I thought it would be awkward, but I felt liberated. Because I had made the choice to let go, seek forgiveness and move on, I was strengthened by my Heavenly Father.

Does this mean that I loath the person? No. I still care for them like I do any other friend. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, "Is there someone in your life who perhaps needs forgiveness? Is there someone in your home, someone in your family, someone in your neighborhood who has done an unjust or an unkind or an unchristian thing? All of us are guilty of such transgressions, so there surely must be someone who yet needs your forgiveness."

I have asked forgiveness of this person, I have asked forgiveness of my Heavenly Father. Now I work to put the pieces of my life back together. Each day I feel the tender mercies of the Lord and understand more and more the things He would have me do.

"As we consider the unity required for Zion to flourish, we should ask ourselves if we have overcome jarrings, contentions, envyings, and strifes (see D&C 101:6)" said Elder D. Todd Christofferson. "Are we individually and as a people free from strife and contention and united 'according to the union required by the law of the celestial kingdom'? (D&C 105:4). Forgiveness of one another is essential to this unity. Jesus said, 'I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men' (D&C 64:10).

"We will become of one heart and one mind as we individually place the Savior at the center of our lives and follow those He has commissioned to lead us"

Elder Lance B. Wickman further added, "It remains . . . for you and me to both seek and tender [the Savior's] forgiveness—to both repent and to extend charity to others—which enables us to pass through the door the Savior holds open, thus to cross the threshold from this life into exaltation. Today is the day to forgive others their trespasses, secure in the knowledge that the Lord will thus forgive ours. As Luke significantly recorded, 'Be ye therefore merciful' (Luke 6:36; emphasis added). Perfection may elude us here, but we can be merciful. And in the end, repenting and forgiving are among God's chief requirements of us."

Today is the day. Let go of whatever is in your life weighing you down like overloaded baggage. Today is the day!