Love and Loss

ROY - A Roy teenager was in critical but stable condition Friday, the day after he was accidentally shot.

Roy police Sgt. Shawn O’Malley said the 15-year-old boy suffered a gunshot wound in the face Thursday afternoon in a residence near 4050 West and 5700 South.

The boy was rushed to McKay-Dee Hospital in Ogden and then flown to Primary Children’s Medical Center in Salt Lake City, where he was expected to survive.

O’Malley confirmed that the shooting appeared to have been an accident. However, noting that the circumstances of the shooting remained under investigation, O’Malley would not identity the victim. Neither would he say whether the shot was fired by the boy or someone else, or say what kind of firearm was involved.

The last year of my life has been full of love and loss. There are four people I know who have departed from this life, a few of them unexpected. Along the way, death has never really bothered me. I have always accepted it as part of The Plan. 

But today is different ...

Something has attached to me and it will not let go. Damien has not passed from this life (as far as I know), but he came close. In a moment of teenage stupidity a gun fired and demolished his face.

The tragedy of a life so young.


Perhaps I never really understood how much teachers care about their students (even the ornery teachers). These youngsters come into your life and teach you many valuable lessons. Hopefully somewhere along the way, we as teachers teach them something too.

Each semester I experience loss. Sometimes it is a joyful goodbye and sometimes I wish they would stay a little longer. But no matter who it is, there is something to be learned from each student.

The other day one of my seniors asked if I was going to be at yearbook signing. He is the last person I would have expected. In fact I kicked him out of my class his junior year. He and his mom begged to get him back in, along with some other interesting strain of events.

I hope for good things from him.

The end of the school year brings another kind of loss. Many will move on and never look back, others will live in high school for a few more years, and still others will eventually find their way back into the halls that changed their lives in some type of career. Each group brings a new dynamic and each time we, as teachers, experience a kind of loss as the students take a part of us, knowingly or not, out into the strange new world with them.

“Loss is nothing else but change, and change is Nature's delight.”

~ Marcus Aurelius

Hair

An acquaintance recently did her BFA show on hair and how she uses her hair to talk about events that happen in our lives. In reality, don't we all?

I can totally identify with her perspective. When I dated Trevor, he always told me how he liked long hair. So I let it grow. Then he was gone.

So I cut it.

I let go of something that for too long meant so much to me. It was my way of saying goodbye. It was my way of letting go.

Then I started to date Jonathan. Things hit off so well and I saw that maybe my life was heading toward eternal progression.

Nope.

But I still let it grow.

Something inside of me hoped for something more and that perhaps there was something still on the horizon. I found someone I thought would be perfect. Not that one either. School was beginning to start and with my prospects waning into Fall ...

I cut my hair again.

And I colored it a sassy brown red.

Some say the color of my hair for the last year matches my personality. I have tried to become the image of something I am not. Something God didn't intend me to be.

Another boy. Another hope. Once again crushed and drug through Hell. I continued to let my hair grow. Maybe things would be different. But I still colored it.


This time dark brown with red.


Maybe if I could become like her, he would see that I am hands down the choice. Just maybe. Maybe if I were more spontaneous. Just maybe if I were more friendly. But the mask was more than me and something spoke softly to me one night:


"There are some things you are not. But there are so many more wonderful things you are. Stop trying to be something / someone you aren't."


I have been running.

But I'm done running now and I am ready to be me. So, in two weeks I have an appointment. I told my Aunt I want to start going back to my natural hair color. She looked at me like I was crazy, but said okay.

And I like my hair short.

Always have.

So, these are my thoughts and I would be interested to know what you think. Many of the people who have come into my life over the past few years don't know what I look like with my natural color. They only have seen it in pictures.

Raw Emotion

It's 5 a.m. I tap on the keyboard senselessly working to bring a ken to my mind of the events in the last week. Silly, silly girl ...

In many ways I feel like I'm standing on the Fifth Floor considering the "sign." Do I really ask too much? Am I hard on those with whom I associate with? Am I really that "high maintenance"?

Last week I sent a text message to someone that perhaps should have been a fact-to-face conversation. But previous to doing so I had a conversation with my bishop who shared some principles with me, and the wheels started to turn.

The conversation was about relationships we have with people, and we weren't even talking about romantic relationships necessarily. But he said that people have different speeds that they move at when forming a relationship with someone. While some attach to people quickly, others take a while. Then he shared a scenario with me to prove a point about how friendship and knowing someone is so important in a romantic relationship. It goes something like this:

A woman comes home and there is a big gouge down the side of the car. When the husband comes out, he sees the car and immediately asks his wife, "Honey, what happened? Are you okay?" He proceeds to ask more questions, but his biggest concern is for the welfare of his wife. All of this while looking at the side of the car.

He doesn't demean the woman, but instead seeks for understanding. Part of this process occurs because his relationship with his wife was based on a friendship that turned to love. Because there is a relationship of trust, he knows she would never do anything to intentionally hurt him, her, or anyone else.

On the flip side of that coin, the wife comes home in the same scenario and the husband flips out. He starts making assumptions that she has backed into a pole again, that whatever happened was all her fault, and the insanity goes on. This is an example of a relationship that has no foundation of friendship and / or trust. He immediately jumps down the woman's throat before she even gets a chance to explain what has happened.


I chewed and chewed on it. Then it came to me! I had to ask.

The person who I asked didn't respond for a day, and when I got the response I was floored. They said they felt belittled and insulted in the way I chose to ask my question. I responded that it wasn't meant to do that, and that I was merely curious. In that I said I was sorry they took it so negatively.

Again, nothing for another three days.

In the process I talked with some people vaguely about my experience and asked them what their reaction to my question and the way I asked it would have been. For the most part, these guys wouldn't have cared. I did get a few back who said they would have been upset, mostly because I called them out about something and their ego was bruised.

So, I proceeded to detach. I thought to myself, "If this person can't be enough of a grown-up to communicate with me, even to say they needed some space or time to process, I can't do this; and I'm not going to do this." I walked away.

Then I get a message, "Can we talk?" Really?? No! We cannot talk! I'm done! All of these things are going through my head and I'm really frustrated at this point. Apart from the fact that I was freezing my tail off at a track meet and already aggravated over some things going on there. It took me a minute, but I responded that I couldn't until later because of where I was.

Well, I left the meet with just enough time to get home, shower, and run to Stake Conf. What a great meeting! Apart from the fact that there was this dynamic young man who spoke and I haven't heard a testimony come from a young man like that in so long! Sitting there, I ruminated over things that I am looking for and the power that came from his mouth is something I would like to find one day.

At the end of the meeting I saw him. He saw me and walked away from me. Didn't even say hi. Seriously? You want to talk and you are going to walk away? Fine. Detachment continues.

Our group of friends goes to dinner and yogurt after. I decided he isn't going to ruin my night, so I be nice to him. But I'm still bugged, which people said was apparent ... Everyone was at my house after and I stayed downstairs to give him an opportunity. Nope, he went home.

Church the next day (it was his birthday) saw him from afar. Again, he walked away. Later I told him I left his present on his front door. He seemed to be upset that I would leave it there when he wasn't home. Then he invited me for dinner ...

Do I go? Do I stay home? Do I be nice? ... I went. It was awkward.

Then I didn't really hear anything from him again until Wednesday when he asked me out on a date via text message ... I told him our group of friends was planning something Friday and I was going to be at the ranch on Saturday. Again, didn't hear anything back from him. On Thursday we had a semi-normal conversation, but I couldn't think about him.

Thursday was the day! The culmination of 2.5 years of hard work. He knew what was happening and didn't say anything about it. I was giving my orals, the defense, of my Master's Project. Honestly, I didn't know what to expect. So I read over my paper. Prepared myself for questions and rested.

The time passed so quickly and before I knew it, it was time to call! Thankfully I called in a little early and found out I was supposed to speak for 8-10 minutes about my project. Oh, dear! At this point I am quickly gathering information together in my head of what I can talk about for 8-10 minutes.

Oh gosh! What do I need? What don't I need? I'm going to sound like a moron! They are never going to let me finish! What a perfect culmination to everything I have been going though >_<

On the conference call, I rambled for the time and actually pushed beyond 10 minutes. I was grateful to the grace of God that allowed words to flow from my mouth in some comprehensible form. I really didn't feel that great about it and I felt like a moron stumbling over words.

But why should I feel that way when I have had a sordid relationship with this project for nearly the last year of my life. In a way, it felt like many of my romantic relationships. I got excited about it, worked with it, gave it time and attention. Then when I was to the point of really committing and getting it finished, I let it slip. It was there, but I didn't continue to show it the same attention.

Barriers came into my life. Another boy who turned my world upside down, literally and figuratively. In many ways, my life will unfortunately never be the same. I allowed him to take things from me I will never have again. My relationship with my paper again suffered because I allowed this other person to take my time and attention.

After experiencing my own private hell, struggling with knowing if I was good enough for anything, and wondering if God even loved me anymore, I decided to pick myself up off the floor. I stumbled a few more times, but I finally let go of the person who would have forever kept me from my dreams and moved on to the Man who would help me fulfill every dream I have.

This last person came into my life about the time I was making my decision to move on. He did all the little things I look for. He payed attention to small hints I gave (like giving me tulips for Valentines Day), helped clean up when I had people over (even if it was taking out the trash), and he has a good grasp on the gospel.

I began to work furtively on my paper, handing it in again just after Valentine's Day. Again, my paper was held hostage for another month. In this time I was not only struggling with wanting to complete one item and move on, but with my expanding relationship with this other person. Again, everything seemed to be crumbling below me.

Then the e-mail came. Our HR Director sent out a letter stating that all lane changes needed to be turned in my April 15. If they were not finalized by then, people would have to wait until Oct. 1.

Fire!

I wasn't going to wait until October. My mind suddenly went into crisis mode and I began to go into crisis mode. This paper had to get done and I was going to make the deadline that was six weeks out.

And as they say, when it rains it pours. But if anything I was determined to finish this paper and move the iron out of my fire. I was put off, but I fought to finish. It was frustrating, but I am grateful for the experience.

My life is supposed to experience some measure of peace at this point, but the only thing that seems to be happening is that it is falling apart into shambles. Stupid boys. Silly people who try to push me aside. 

As I started to pick up the pieces of my life and Mending my broken heart, my Heavenly Father blessed me with people and an open mind to help me push through and finish. I got everything done amidst all the other struggles I was having.

Now that I am done, I really don't know what to do with myself. I thought perhaps this person would fill in that space, but they have not done so. Which is perhaps the reason I asked my question about attachment. Even still I have had to learn in the past week or two that I need to rely on other sources to fill my time.

It is time for me to find out who I really am. There are so many things I love about life and perhaps the two that draw me most near at this point are the gospel and going to school. School has been what has defined my life for a great measure of my time on earth. And I have decided to go to more starting in the Fall, even perhaps this summer.

There are many things in my life I cannot control, or do anything about. But I know I have command over my testimony and my education as a woman. A man does not make me who I am, he will add someday to who I am. I know what I deserve even though for a while I perhaps thought that I lost all my blessings.

God is mindful of us and the only way we will lose our blessings in heaven is if we turn our back on Him. Sometimes I struggle with detachment and I even opened myself to this person again last night, and it only resulted in more non-communication. I fell asleep resolved that this person did not want to resolve the previous strain of communication and they are not interested in being a part of my life.

But I know I will be blessed with a man who will love me, want to be with me, and who will talk to me (even if it is to say I need some man cave time). I know there is a man out there with a burning testimony that will come from the depths of his soul. There is someone who will be the kind of man I can see a whole world of potential with, and who I know will gain that as we progress together toward becoming One.

My emotions sit at the surface right now as I struggle to make sense of the things going on in my life. Am I not communicating enough with this person? Too much? Am I needy? Am I really that "high maintenance?

So, I go to that place of my heritage to think. I am heading south for the Easter weekend. It will be a chance for me to think about new life, starting over, and moving forward with the fresh life. I leave doors open if someone wants to walk through it, but I have to move forward with my life.

The Fifth Floor

The last few weeks of my life have been full of many choices to make. I had to prioritize which ones I was going to deal with first, and others had to be put aside for the time being. Work and school work took the priority, and things in my personal life were left behind.

While I worked on the other decisions, I seemed to be getting help and promptings for the ones I had temporarily put aside. Institute has been my life saver this year. I have learned many things, and if anything I have been able to feel God's love for me as I make an effort to attend.

A few weeks ago when I was in the middle of making these decisions, we had a lesson on preparing to become an eternal companion. Perfect. Just the one I had decided not to deal with in that moment, but something I needed none-the-less. Okay Father, I am listening ...

Brother Thorpe began by saying, "There is a difference between a temple marriage and an eternal marriage." This struck me because I had never thought about it that way before. But it makes total sense! Which one are we preparing for? Are we just looking to fill the square? Or are we really serious about creating and eternal marriage, in reality an eternal relationship, with someone?

This got my wheels turning in regards to my current situation. So often I have told people I want a temple marriage and there is no other direction my life will head. I think we loose sight of what the union really is, and that is an eternal marriage. The union of two people in love, trust, faith, and a host of other attributes to be perfected as two people grow into one.

While my wheels were spinning Brother Thorpe shared a story about a group of ladies who were going out on the town for the night. They got to this building that looked like a pretty happening place to find a good mate. Walking into the building they were informed there were five floors and each of them had something different to offer in regards to male companionship. All excited they hopped onto the elevator and started to go up floor by floor.

Arriving at the first floor, the door opened and the sisters saw a sign on the wall that read, "Sweet spirits." Intrigued by the other floors, they pushed the "Close" button. Once the doors closed, one of them pressed the button for the second floor. Arriving there, they saw another sign that read, "Well-tabernacled." Still not impressed, they all continued to the third floor.

When the doors opened, they sign read, "Well-tabernacled with good spirits." Excited, some of the ladies got off on the third floor while the others were still intrigued by what was to come. When the others had exited, the doors closed and the group proceeded to the fourth floor.

All excited, the chatter started to rise when the doors opened on the fourth floor. The sign read, "Well-tabernacled with great personalities. Loves kids, cooking, and cleaning." Suddenly the volume of excited me increased as many of the ladies got off in search of these good mates.

However, there were others who were still intrigued by what would be found on the fifth, and final, floor. They closed the doors and proceeded up to the next floor. When the doors opened, the women gazed upon an empty floor that didn't even have framing for walls. Instead, there was a lonely pole with a piece of paper taped to it that simply read, "No men here. Built to prove there is no way to please a woman."

I have to say, I got a good giggle. In my head I imagined the look on their faces when they opened the doors to see a barren floor. Then I thought to the statement on the sign. Is that really how it's seen? Then I giggled again thinking about communication patterns between males and females.

Often times we, as people in general, think we are communicating when we really aren't. Yes, we are saying words and throwing around some body lingo, but we aren't effectively communicating with the other person. As a result, both sides (or perhaps only one) get frustrated and things end in a shambles when they could have been successful.

I think this is how it goes in relation to the Fifth Floor. One side may not think there is any way to please the other side because of a communication break down. But in reality if they would both sit down and say what is on their mind, the Fifth Floor could be avoided by both sides.

In an effort to avoid this happening in my life, I decided to be open and honest with a particular person. I am in a situation that is particularly hard for me because I feel there is a lack of communication and a lack of interest in some ways.

Never in a "relationship" have I had someone not say something to me at least once a day, or every other day. I am used to getting a text in the morning that says something to the effect of "Good morning" or "Hope your having a great day." In my current situation, this is not happening at all. I am struggling to get any kind of conversation.

Working to be patient and express to this person that I was having a hard time, I tried the around-the-bush approach. No luck. So I tried the around-the-bush, semi-direct approach. Fail. So, about a week ago I just went head first into the shallow end. "I am not used to not talking to someone every day. I am a communicative person and I need that. It's nice to know I am thought of." Response: "That's just not me."

Come on! This is not only one of my majors, but my Master's studies ... Have I learned nothing? Did I waste four years of my life? Epic fail? "Ok. Be patient. Everyone is different. You can learn something from this. Love him for who he is. You can do this."

As patient as I have been working to be, and as much as I have been focusing on the good of this person, something wasn't sitting right ... Unsurity kills me. The lesson continued:

"You might have found a relationship with true love if:
1. Your relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have never been better.
2. You relationship with parents and family have never been better.
3. Your relationship with friends or buddies is great.
4. Grades have never been better.
5. Never felt so good about yourself. Even when you are with and away from your companion."

Intriguing ...

I know this is not a sure-fire list, but it gives food for thought. So, I ponder on it. Even tonight as I chew on it, I think about people who have come into my life that fit parts of this list. The first one that comes to mind if E.

While we only dated a short while, he fills the majority of this list. When I was with him and his kids, I felt spiritually alive, he respected time with friends, he pushed me to be a better student and was there for me when I was on overkill and needed a second opinion, and every time I was with him I felt like the most important, beautiful person. And he told me too.

Trevor perhaps fills the square for #1. He and I had spiritual conversations constantly. Because of him, I dug into the gospel and he challenged me in a good way. I need that. While we didn't see eye-to-eye on everything, we were able to talk about anything that came up in a civil manner. He was good with family and friends, but they saw things I didn't see at the time.

I can't think of a particular relationship that really fills #2 that well. In my life, I am pretty particular about who I "take home." I am not quite sure why, but it is a big deal for me about who I introduce to my family. And it definitely has to be something special in order for them to meet my dad's side of the family.

#3 is also another struggle for me. I haven't really found someone yet that my friends say, "Yeah, he's worthy." They always tell me I date below myself, that I have yet to find someone that will really be my helpmeet. Although, I am not sure I will find that perfect someone. Even if I did, he wouldn't want an imperfect person like me.

Brother Mueller said something really interesting in regards to this: Attributes are best polished together as husband and wife. Does that mean I am going to marry someone just to find out, to polish?
No. But I know perfection is not attained alone. It will be attained in the process of time as two individuals become one and consequently become one with our Heavenly Father.

light -> light ; truth -> truth ; virtue -> virtue

#4 & #5 E filled completely. I remember our first date vividly. He stared at me all night and just ha this grin on his face. When I asked him why, he said, "Your eyes sparkle in the candle light and you are just so beautiful." Never before had I had someone say that to me so sincerely. And like I mentioned before, whenever we were together he made me feel like I was the most important thing. He wasn't afraid to show me off either.

I know you can't compare one relationship to another because that would mean two people would need to be identical in personalities and other things. But I often think back to previous relationships and I know there are those things I am looking for. If I had them once, I can have them again. I know one day I will find a combination of the right things. But for now, I wait and I look for some other things:

1. Commitment: Do they keep their commitments? Do they maintain a relationship with God and Christ?
2. How do they handle conflict?: Let things go wrong ... How do they deal with "adventure"?
3. Communication: How do they communicate? Do you do things that help you get to know each other? Intimacy is no friend to objectivity.
4. Do they challenge you to be the best you?
5. Does the spirit reside in your relationship? Does it confirm what you are doing?

I don't know my direction right now. But I do know if some things doing change in my life soon, the direction needs to change. I have done all I can think of and nothing seems to be working. I don't want to be on the Fifth Floor. I want to be in a place where I can have everything Heavenly Father has promised me. My Dove wrappers tonight said, "Break the mold." and "Find your passion."

It's your time and it's your life. So, what will you do with it? I know that making the decision and creating an eternal marriage are one of the most important things you will do with your life. It is more than a temple marriage. It will be something lasting and eternal. A kind of love that will endure any kind of trial faced in this life.

Day 20: I love to see the temple

I have been in love with the temple since I have learned about them. When I played the piano in Primary the song I Love to See The Temple was my favorite. It would bring tears to my eyes to hear such innocent voices sing about something so sacred.

Growing up in my home it wasn't something that was a focus. I didn't even fully comprehend the idea. But I knew that it was a holy place and I wanted to be worthy to go inside one day. I didn't know if it would be on my own preparing for a mission or for getting married, but I felt stronger about the mission route. 

I have had the opportunity a handful of times to witness the sealing of people most dear to me and feeling of the power of those covenants. A few times I have been proxy for those who have passed on. It is a wonderful feeling to know you are helping someone in their eternal progression who has been waiting hundreds of years. Then just going to the temple for others is a wonderful blessing. I pray each time that the person will understand and accept the work that has been / is being done for them. 

Recently I remember walking through the halls of the Nauvoo temple and being overwhelmed with tears. I didn't understand it at the time, but later I would. In me was a sense that this temple was closer to me than I comprehended. And it was.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Day 19: Time

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” 

~ Steve Jobs

Day 19: Rising From The Ruin

"On my way back home I take a little detour and stop at the address in Rome I find most strangely affecting — the Augusteum. The big, round, ruined pile of brick started life as a glorious mausoleum, built by Octavian Augustus to house his remains and the remains of his family for all of eternity. It must have been impossible for the Emperor to have imagined at the time that Rome would ever be anything but a mighty Augustus-worshiping empire. How could he have possibly foreseen the collapse of the realm? Or known that, with all the aqueducts destroyed by barbarians and with the great roads left in ruin, the city would empty of citizens, and it would take almost twenty centuries before Rome ever recovered the population she had boasted during her height of glory? 


"Augustus’s mausoleum fell to ruins and thieves during the Dark Ages. Somebody stole the emperor’s ashes — no telling who. By the 12th century, though, the monument had been renovated into a fortress for the powerful Colonna family, to protect them from assaults of various warring princes. Then the Augusteum was transformed somehow into a vineyard, then a Renaissance garden, then a bullring, then a fireworks depository, then a concert hall. In 1930s, Mussolini seized the property and restored it down to it’s classical foundations, so that it could someday be the final resting place for his remains. (Again, it must have been impossible back then to imagine that Rome could ever be anything but a Mussolini-worshiping empire.) Of course, Mussolini’s fascist dream did not last, nor did he get the imperial burial that he had anticipated. 


"Today the Augusteum is one of the quietest and lonliest places in Rome, buried deep in the ground. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. Traffic above the monument spins in a hectic circle, and nobody ever goes down there — from what I can tell — except to use the place as a public bathroom. But the building still exists, holding its Roman ground with dignity, waiting for the next incarnation. 


"I find the endurance of the Augusteum so reassuring, that this structure has had such an erratic career, yet always adjusted to the particular wildness of the times. To me, the Augusteum is like a person who’s led a totally crazy life — who maybe started out as a housewife, then unexpectedly became a widow, then took up fan dancing to make money, ended up somehow as the first female dentist in outer space, then tried her hand at national politics — yet who has managed to hold an intact sense of herself throughout the upheaval. 


"I look at the Augusteum, and I think that perhaps my life has not actually been so chaotic, after all. It is merely this world that is chaotic, bringing changes to us all that nobody could have anticipated. The Augsteum warns me never to get attached to any obsolete idea about who I am, what I represent, whom I belong to, or what function I may once have intended to serve. Yesterday, I may have been a glorious monument to somebody, true enough — but tomorrow I could be a fireworks depository. Even in the eternal city, says the silent Augusteum, one must always be prepared for riotous and endless waves of transformation."

I love this piece of writing from Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love. She reminds me that many great things can come from ruin, and that sometimes what we anticipate becomes something else. Life is full of change and we shouldn't get attached to too many things.

Once someone asked me where I saw myself in 5 and 10 years. I told him I wanted to be working on my master's, graduated, maybe a family (if it was in the cards). At that time I wanted an MBA and to be working in corporate. Well, that didn't happen. And neither has a family.

My plans have adjusted according to the course I feel I should be pursuing in my life. It has also adjusted according to need. I never intended to be a teacher. In fact, I wanted to be the farthest away possible. But looking back on my experiences and the passion I feel now, I am very content with where I am.

Our lives may fall apart, or we may feel like they are at the point of ruin, but there will always be something beautiful if we will allow it to happen. Sometimes that means letting go. And like the butterflies, if they are meant to be a part of our lives, they will return. But until then we must let go and rise from the ruin.

Day 18: Let Them Be Men

I have posted this before, but today I must post it again along with another video. Part of love is sacrifice and honoring Priesthood. It doesn't matter if you are a father, or not. Men of God show the utmost love and sacrifice through honoring their priesthood.

It is written, "The priesthood is the eternal power and authority of God. Through the priesthood God created and governs the heavens and the earth. Through this power He redeems and exalts His children, bringing to pass “the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39). God gives priesthood authority to worthy male members of the Church so they can act in His name for the salvation of His children. Priesthood holders can be authorized to preach the gospel, administer the ordinances of salvation, and govern the kingdom of God on the earth."

In my life, I grew up in a home without a man who held the priesthood. To say the least, it was difficult. But now I have wonderful home teachers who are ready and willing to help anyone at any time. Someday I want a marriage to a man who is just as ready and willing to bless our family through his calling on this earth.

Stand up and be men!

Day 13-17: Forgiveness 2.0

I posted Saturday a song and a quote about forgiveness, but I don't know that it adequatly sums up everything I feel about the subject. So I am posting practically my entire week about it. That, however, is not to say I will do better a second time.

This is not to say it is a cop out for not writing for a week, but I have honestly been thinking about it. What an interesting concept. On Sunday we had a wonderful Ward Conference and a verse in the sacrament hymn hit me like it never had before:

As now our minds review the past,
We know we must repent;
The way to thee is righteousness —
The was thy life was spent.
Forgiveness is a gift from thee
We seek with pure intent.
With hands now pledged to do thy work,
We take the sacrament.
~ Hymn #169 (italics added)

I have been thinking a lot about covenants, the promises we make with God, ourselves, and others. What a powerful opportunity! When our hands touch the bread and water we pledge to do all the Lord asks us to do. That is part of the covenant. We are to give our lives to Him. When we do, He will give us the one we want back.

What does it mean to make a covenant? Do we make them and then not follow through? We need to make sure we really intend to follow through. When you give the Lord your life, He will give you the one you want in return. When we covenant with our Heavenly Father there are promises waiting for us.

So what happens when we forget about our covenants? Do we get lost in an abyss? The scriptures tell us time and time again of a God who will forgive, even unto a complete forgetting of what we have done wrong if we will confess it before Him and seek His help to overcome our faults.

In a talk titled "Finding Forgiveness", Elder Richard G. Scott states, "Recently . . . I encountered a large temporary sign declaring Rough Road Ahead, and indeed it was. Had I not been warned, that experience would have been disastrous. Life is like that. It's full of rough spots. Some are tests to make us stronger. Others result from our own disobedience. . . . Each one of us encounters unique challenges meant for growth."

Life is full of rough spots, both expected and unexpected. Living our life with the Spirit will help us to better understand the "road signs" and when the rough patches will come, or how we can navigate them. But when we fall into a rough patch that seems like it has no way out, we need to turn to the Lord. He will help us get back on the road that will lead to a smoother journey.

Elder Scott goes on to say, "The fruit of true repentance is forgiveness, which opens the door to receive all of the covenants and ordinances provided on this earth and to enjoy the resulting blessings. When a repentant soul is baptized, all former sins are forgiven and need not be remembered. When repentance is full and one has been cleansed, there comes a new vision of life and its glorious possibilities. How marvelous the promise of the Lord: 'Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.' The Lord is and ever will be faithful to His words."

Isaiah writes, "Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow" (Isaiah 1:18).

Recently in my life I have had to work some things out. Forgiveness, both receiving and giving, seem to be a constant. Growing up I lived with a lot of hard feelings and I remember a night not to long ago asking forgiveness from a person in my life. It had an impact on them. It had an impact on me. I left the house feeling like I was walking on air. Lifting that burden from my life helped me to begin to move on.

This new challenge I have encountered has not been as hard as I thought it would be. There are things that happened, experiences, I will never be able to get back. But those are part of the choices we make. I was so hurt when information came to light, and I have become so un-trusting.

There was a point where I thought things had changed, and I put myself back in the line of fire. But it was no different the second time. The serpent is just the same. It may change in appearance, but a serpent is a serpent.

When I got bit the second time around I removed myself immediately and have not looked back. When I saw this person I thought it would be awkward, but I felt liberated. Because I had made the choice to let go, seek forgiveness and move on, I was strengthened by my Heavenly Father.

Does this mean that I loath the person? No. I still care for them like I do any other friend. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, "Is there someone in your life who perhaps needs forgiveness? Is there someone in your home, someone in your family, someone in your neighborhood who has done an unjust or an unkind or an unchristian thing? All of us are guilty of such transgressions, so there surely must be someone who yet needs your forgiveness."

I have asked forgiveness of this person, I have asked forgiveness of my Heavenly Father. Now I work to put the pieces of my life back together. Each day I feel the tender mercies of the Lord and understand more and more the things He would have me do.

"As we consider the unity required for Zion to flourish, we should ask ourselves if we have overcome jarrings, contentions, envyings, and strifes (see D&C 101:6)" said Elder D. Todd Christofferson. "Are we individually and as a people free from strife and contention and united 'according to the union required by the law of the celestial kingdom'? (D&C 105:4). Forgiveness of one another is essential to this unity. Jesus said, 'I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men' (D&C 64:10).

"We will become of one heart and one mind as we individually place the Savior at the center of our lives and follow those He has commissioned to lead us"

Elder Lance B. Wickman further added, "It remains . . . for you and me to both seek and tender [the Savior's] forgiveness—to both repent and to extend charity to others—which enables us to pass through the door the Savior holds open, thus to cross the threshold from this life into exaltation. Today is the day to forgive others their trespasses, secure in the knowledge that the Lord will thus forgive ours. As Luke significantly recorded, 'Be ye therefore merciful' (Luke 6:36; emphasis added). Perfection may elude us here, but we can be merciful. And in the end, repenting and forgiving are among God's chief requirements of us."

Today is the day. Let go of whatever is in your life weighing you down like overloaded baggage. Today is the day!

Day 12: Forgiveness

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
~ Lewis B. Smedes

Day 11: L-O-V-E

I have enjoyed this song for a long time. It seemed appropriate to go with this video I found the other day from some of my favorite photographers. In love it really does "take two to tango." Despite our differences, two can make it work together if they really want to make the effort.


James & Jenny - It Takes Two To Tango from Little Collins Pictures on Vimeo.

Day 10: Love is good

Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity. 

~ Henry Van Dyke

Day 9: Silly Love Songs

By no means am I a "Gleek", but it does put a smile on my Roomie's face when I do watch it. Today I needed something chorousy (is that a word?) and somehow was led to watching this episode. Watching it I realized there were many correlations to my own life: not a big fan of V-day, dealing with feeling cheated on, making things up in my head, a dating tryst, a not-so-"beautiful" girls who's headstrong, and breaking out to become who I can be.

Throughout the whole episode they sing "love songs" to their special someone and each of them speaks a different message. Personally I don't mind most "love" songs and they actually remind us of things we had, have, or hope to have. They keep being made because they speak something of our lives.

In the beginning of the episode Kurt talks about the non-sense of Valentine's Day. It's one more excuse to sell candy, cards, and flowers. Darren reminds him that there shouldn't be anything wrong with a day set aside to tell someone you love them. While it shouldn't be the only day, perhaps we need a day to remind us of what it is to love.

While I am only nine days into my search of characteristics of love, I can already see a difference in how I deal with things. In one part of the episode Mercedes talks about their diva idols and said, "They took all the pain and lonliness and they put it into their music." While I don't put mine in to music, I put it in to writing, photography, and work. Looking for the positive and an outlet for pain helps one to heal faster and move on.

Recently I knew something was coming to an end. Heavenly Father let me know and I think because of that I was ready to let go. The pain stung for a moment and I needed time to myself, but I wasn't going to let it rule my life. Besides, I know there is something else out there. I know there is someone who is ready and who will not shut me out.

My heart is opening and I am ready to really feel this time. Sometimes I think we make things up in our head and we twist ourselves to become someone we think that person wants. We play with little moments and aggrandize them in our heads. We even encounter glaring red flags and convince ourselves that it will be ok. I was lost in a fog for nearly four months, but now I see ahead of me as I walk out of the mists of darkness.

One of the moments that struck home for me was when Rachel and Finn are in the sick room. Rachel talks to Finn about Quinn and how much prettier she is. Part of my recent experience involved another girl. I struggled to realize what it was that she had that I didn't have. Why couldn't he just commit to me?

Then one day I encountered a quote that said, "Stop asking yourself what others have that you don't and instead focus on what it is that they are missing about you." That changed my outlook on the whole "relationship" and I told myself I could live with it until he figured it out. But I was totally lying to myself. Sometimes we think that lying to ourselves it will make everything else go away, but it only gets us into more trouble and causes that much more pain.

In the episode Rachel asks Finn if he saw fireworks when he kissed Quinn. He didn't even have to answer before she knew, his body language said it all. With this person I put it out there and he said that no matter what happens right now he will continue to date the other girl. He chose her the first time and I was stupid to think it would be different a second time around.

While I ended up on the short end again, I have found a strength to move on this time. My goals are set before me and I am on a run to get there. The episode ends with Rachel singing Firework and with a determination to move on and pursue her dreams. I first heard this song when it was shared by my dearest friend. She wrote:

"People are coming back and almost adopting it as their own anthem, and it's hard, I think, to write an anthem that's not cheesy, and I hope that this could be something in that category. I hope this could be one of those things where it's like, 'Yeah, I want to put my fist up and feel proud and feel strong. But I also don't want to be cheesy, it's a fine line, and I think 'Firework' ... would be like the opus or my one song — if I had to pick a song to play — 'cause it has a great beat. But it also has a fantastic message."

The episode makes a perfect wrap from talking about how divas made their name on their own, and in the end that is Rachel's determination. No one can make us happy, only we can make ourselves happy. There are decisions we make in life that bring unhappiness, but that doesn't mean we can't find it again once we have freed ourselves from the harmful situation.

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

~ Groucho Marx 

So, go out and sing silly love songs. Turn up the volume and dance with your mop. Today you have the power to make you happy!